Special guest appearance!!

There was an orgastic (word lifted directly from F. Scott Fitzgerald in The Great Gatsby!) feast televised live for sports fans across America (or Amercia if you work for Mitt Romney's campaign) last night. Beginning around 7 PM and continuing until almost midnight, a sports fan could belly up to a buffet of baseball, soccer, hockey or basketball rarely seen on a Wednesday night. I had a little baseball, soccer and basketball on my visual plate, but passed on the hockey. All three of my selections gave me indigestion though as I swallowed down losses to the teams I hoped to win. Since I'm a glutton for both food and punishment, I will not be deterred by my horrible gastric experience and will cheerfully await the next opportunity to ingest a similar sports buffet.

Most of my stomach pain was centered on Dusty Custer's omission of Joey Vottomatic from the Reds lineup last evening. While it is true Vottomatic had played in 176 consecutive games, Lou Gehrig played in 2130 and Cal Ripken, Jr. played in 2632 consecutive games respectively. Viewed through that perspective, Vottomatic was still trying to get potty trained!! His Dustiness said he could see Vottomatic wearing down the past couple weeks and needed to get him a break. Despite Dusty the Befuddler declaring our automatic hitting machine being held together by nothing more than chicken wire and duct tape, Vottomatic, he was hitting .361 over his last 24 games and is on pace to set the MLB single-season record for doubles. Too bad all the Reds swingers aren't wearing down like Joey!! Those of you who perused the blog yesterday might remember two facts that I, Kernac the Magnificent, predicted would happen in last nights game. 1: I reverse jinxed the Reds by saying the Pirates were worse than the Chico Bail Bonds Bad News Bears. Jay Bruce particularly felt the Kernac jinx in the first inning when he should have driven in two runs ...... but instead his rocket to the right field corner was three inches short of clearing Matt Hague's mitt and nothing more than a hard out. 2: Without Vottomatic in the lineup I predicted the Reds would put on an offensive show worthy of the ages. And man was it offensive!!! Two hits off A.J. Burnett??? Believable in 2002, not in 2012!!! George Costanzo crawled out from under his desk long enough to start at first base and lower his average to .067 before being replaced by Miggy Cairo. Top four swingers in the Redlegs batting order were 1-12, and that one came in the top of the first. Johnny Cueto allowed one ball to be hit hard all night and it beat him. Luckily our redskin friends (the Atlanta Braves) beat our redbird enemies (St.L Cardinals) and kept us a game and a half up in the division. Consistently inconsistent ... I've said that before too!!

For another day's discussion: Walt Jock's BSDM-inspired bench handcuffing of Dusty Custer. The Reds have no bench and all the prospects who could help were traded. That's on Walt Jock not Daft Dusty.

Conspiracies are popping up in the sports world daily it seems. Yesterday we found Mitt Romney and Fidel Castro attempting to jam the Cuban Missile from his frequent launches. Today we find David Stern rigging the NBA draft lottery (I refuse to capitalize draft and lottery ... it's a part of the sport not an event!) in favor of the NBA-owned New Orleans Hornets at the expense of the Jumpman owned Charlotte Bobcats. The prize?? Anthony Davis and his potentially franchise altering Unibrow talent. Call me Oliver Stone if you want, but as the lottery was unfolding David Stern was definitely on the grassy knoll!! The NBA needs the value of the Hornets to be as high as possible to insure Tom Benson (owner of the N.O. Saints) pays top dollar for the club. So the one franchise owned by the league wins a lottery conducted by the league and soon Tom Benson will pay some bounty money to Stern for taking out the Bobcats (Before you dismiss such a side deal between Benson and Stern you might want to read up on the N.O. Saints bounty program and who knew what .... uh huh!!). And if you think last night popped Stern's draft rigging cherry was Stern's first time manipulating the lottery, google "1985 nba draft lottery" and see what results you get!!! While you're at it, google "michael jordan gambling suspension". You still think David Stern is above such a conspiracy??? I didn't think so.

Sincerely,

Oliver Stone

P.S. I don't think I need to lengthen our conspiracy list by adding the blatant no call from last night's Heat-GeriatricsCeltics game when, with the score tied at 105 in overtime, D-Wade was allowed to punch Rajon Rondo in the face on a lay-up attempt without being whistled for a foul. The Heat went on to win 115-111 and somewhere Tim Donaghy was nodding furiously!!!

Thanks Oliver ... now back to our regularly scheduled programming ....

On the soccer pitch, the U.S. took on Brazil last night in Landover, Maryland. Well ... took on may not be the correct word ... looked on while being blitzed may be a better description. Brazil toyed with the U.S. for gargantuan portions of the match and cruised to a 4-1 victory. Neymar (all Brazilians have one name ... even the crappy ones. Neymar is NOT a crappy one!) reduced the American defense to Border Patrol status as he created chance after chance for the Selecao (I can't figure out how to get all those crazy Portuguese punctuation marks under the c and over the a!!). He wasn't the only immigrant getting into the American box and causing trouble, as Thiago Silva, Marcelo and Pato also scored. The U.S. bundled one goal in right before half, but didn't threaten again until late in the match when both teams were substituting freely. World Cup qualifying starts in a little over a week for the Red, White and Blue and thankfully there are no Brazilians in our group, only Mexicans.

That's all I got for today. Tomorrow is the last day of school for me so be ready for some summer tips!!

Spit it out!!!

Thanks to a random dude in a Pittsburgh restaurant, we now know the difference between LeBron James, Lance Stephenson and Smokin' Todd Frazier. LeBron is a choker (at least since his last year in Cleveland), Lance "Born Ready to Sit the Bench" Stephenson chokes himself (What else are you gonna do on the bench but choke your chicken self?) and Smokin' Todd Frazier saves chokers. In two of the three thoracic incidences, winning ensued. LeBron (no longer LeBramish ... sorry Ernesto), sufficiently motivated for the first time in two and a half seasons, performed the self-Heimlich and is playing his best basketball since he took his talents to South Beach. He has stopped tip-toeing around D-Wade's easily injured feelings (everything else on D-Wade hurts anyway) and been dominant in the three games since "Born Ready to Sit the Bench" clenched his own Adam's Apple. LeBron's slash line the last three games: 30/10/6. When LeBron's airway is open, the Heat are unbearable. Miami will win the title with or without the last remaining animal from the Paleozoic Era, Chris "Raptor" Bosh. I don't really like it, but as Goldie Richards has said for years, "It's better to leave a sleeping dog lie." Grammatical correctness optional. The Heat will roll the geriatric Celtics one step closer to the retirement home tonight. Sadly.

If I were a betting man (which I am), I'd place a nice chunk of change on Smokin' Todd Frazier having spent some time as a lifeguard in Toms River, NJ growing up. GTL (Gym, Toss, Lifeguard) is how everybody in the home of Jersey Shore spends their time, right? How else would you explain Frazier leaping to the Heimlich rescue of a random Pittsburgher? Smokey's heroics didn't stop there as he went 2-3 with a double, a triple and two RBI's in the Reds 8-1 rout of the Pirates last night. Good thing ol' Walt Jock and Dusty Custer thought it was wise to send Smokin' Todd Frazier to AAA for the start of the season so Willie Horton Harris could steal some money play poorly in April. Frazier is now hitting .278 with five funkblasts and 13 RBIs and throwing around some decent leather at the hot corner. With Scott Rolen's body still creaking like the door in the beginning of "Thriller", Frazier is going to have to continue his solid play for the Redlegs to stay ahead of the Cardinals. David Dewitt "Homer" Bailey, Jr. followed the Dr. Milton/Mr. Rijo pattern for the club's starting pitchers with a Mr. Rijo-like complete game four-hitter. No truth to the rumor Homer talked to Bud Selig about being an all-time starting pitcher against the Pirates every five days after running his career numbers against the Bucs to 6-0 with a 1.79 ERA. Also no truth to the rumor several Reds were upset with me pointing out their all or nothing approach at the dish yesterday. They did however respond by A) winning a game without hitting a HR and B) going 7-14 with RISP. One rumor which is true: the Chico Bail Bonds Knothole team called and asked the Pirates to change their colors to avoid sullying the Bail Bonds reputation as ballplayers. Great .. now I just reverse jinxed the Reds .. I take it back Pittsburgh .. you guys are great!!! Take it easy on Johnny Cueto tonight!!!

The Presidential election got more interesting yesterday with the release of Mitt Romney's birth certificate. His father is Mexican!!!! The Reconquistador is almost complete!!! A Romney victory in November and it's Katie bar the borders!!! Maybe a half Mexican, fully Mormon President is what the Mayans (indigenous to the Yucatan Peninsula in Mexico) meant by the end of the long calendar!!! There will by illegal aliens everywhere marrying as many women as they can grab!!! Hide you kids, hide your wives, and hide your husbands too!!! You thought having a President with a Kenyan father was bad??? You've been preparing for the zombie apocolypse??? Idiots ... How can you not have seen this coming!!!!

Honestly .... who cares where Mitt's daddy was born or the religion he follows. Although if you were as cardboard as Mitt you'd be looking for spicy publicity too. In an election, any publicity is good publicity. Before you believe Mitt hobnobbig yesterday with one of the few Americans with more money than himself (Donald Trump) was coincidental to the release of Mitt's birth certificate, examine Mr. Trump's political beliefs. Foremost among the Donald's worldly views: Barack Obama was not born in the United States. Yup ... Donald is a birther ... despite the evidence to the contrary showing Obama's birth in Hawaii. Wwwhhhhhhooooooooaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!


****** STOP THE PRESSES .... EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT!!!************

Just got word Dusty Custer has ordered Vottomatic to the bench for tonight's titanic struggle against the Pirates. Mike Costanzo (1-13 with 8 K's) gets the start at first base in Votto's place. Look for some offensive fireworks from the Reds tonight!!! DUSTRATING!!!

Also somebody robbed the Cuban Missile's girlfriend in a Pittsburgh five-star hotel late Tuesday night. I didn't know five-star hotels existed in Shi .... errrr ... Pittsburgh. It's another May Day distraction for the Missile following his recent lawsuit and speeding ticket. I knew Castro was vindictive, but c'mon man!! Leave the Missile alone!! Wait ... it was a Hispanic guy who burst into the room ... Romney is conspiring against the Reds with Castro!! That's it!! Get Donald Trump on the phone!! We need some reward money to find this guy's birth certificate!!!

Police Commissioner Gordon just activated the Kerrdawg Phone. I gotta go solve this heinous crime. Details to follow tomorrow!!!

Give me a number ....

Hors d'oeuvres are over ... now if I could just get the kitchen help to hurry up with the main course of summer I'd be a lot happier!! It's not that I mind being marinated in humidity ... I much prefer it to being chilled to the bone. However the young minds I am entrusted to engage are deep-fried after a scorching Memorial Day weekend (and some in more ways than one!) and with our district-wide exams already completed there is a serious lack of motivational heat. So we'll simmer for the rest of the week before the school year is reduced to a picnic and some farewells on Friday. Alas not all is so back-burner depressing .... It's Tuesday which means there is some Mad Men on tap! Fill 'er up!!!

Today is the 50th birthday of Eric Davis, the .44 Magnum, Eric the Red, E.D., Comeback Player of the Year, Mr. 30/30, owner of Dave Stewart ..... I could go on but I think you get the picture. E.D. is and was my personal all-time favorite Cincinnati Red. When you're 13 years old and there is a player stealing 80 bases (not a typo ... in the early 1980's before steroids and tiny stadia, teams encouraged base stealing. The Reds had several accomplished thieves back in the day like Dave - drunk like Tom - Collins, Eddie Milner, Gary Redus & even Chris Sabo!) and banging out 30 home runs a year, that guy is going to become your dude. E.D. was the originator of swag in my book, and man did I need some swag at 13! I imitated his unique batting stance with great success in our front yard wiffle ball games (though it didn't translate over to baseball - go figure) and liked to tap my glove on my thigh when catching fly balls (that little piece of outfield swag did translate into baseball!). I was 16 and sitting in Riverfront Stadium on June 2nd, 1989 (Sorry Mom .. I don't know where I said I was going that night but I definitely broke your "Don't drive out of city or on the highway" rules) with three friends when Eric the Red hit for the cycle - from the green seats we bowed Wayne's World style to show how unworthy we were to be a witness. Most of all I admired his fearlessness on the field, slamming into walls at full speed to make a catch and diving head first at every opportunity. His body wasn't built to cash the punishment checks he was writing and he never was able to play more than 135 games in a season. His first inning home run against Dave Stewart in game one and lacerated kidney in game four were bookends to the 1990 World Series Championship. While Davis was doing great things under the flying C, I was journeying through middle and high school headed to college. He left Cincinnati in 1991 (when I left UC for Miami) and returned in 1996 to win the Comeback Player of the Year. Today I took the Eric Davis quiz on Enquirer.com and this is what it said after getting nine of ten questions correct (I missed one about E.D.'s high school alums in the majors ... but I did guess one answer luckily!), "Home run! Congratulations! You might know even more about Eric Davis than his family does." Duh!!!! Adolescent boys have a way of remembering things they idolized. Happy Birthday Eric!!! Another piece of my childhood which reminds of Father Time's relentless march through my life. Now if I could only find my .44 Magnum Eric Davis poster, I know the perfect spot in my house!!!

A Japanese cell phone maker is going to release a new handset which comes complete with a radiation detector. A map and some common sense would be more valuable. Don't cell phones give off radiation themselves? Haven't cell phones been linked to several types of cancer from these radiation emissions? Will your phone detect itself? Protecting people from themselves is a fools errand. If you don't know where the Fukushima reactors are located, wouldn't Darwin want you dead anyway? I'm getting dumber as I type.

The Reds have gone 2-2 since we last chatted. To go over all four games would require more time than I have available today. So here's the Cliff/Spark Notes version of what you need to know ... kind of a 2012 Reds for Dummies primer. If the Reds hit homeruns, they will probably win. If not, they will probably lose. The Reds are 21-5 when they get funkblasted, and 6-16 when the powers out. Great American Small Park gave up 29 HRs in the seven game home stand (including one when Smokin' Todd Frazier threw his bat at the ball!) so bet the Reds to win at home. On the road take the moneyline and the Reds opponent. They hit .203 with RISP (take out Vottomatic's .333 RISP and the average drops to .195) and by the season's quarter pole it's pretty much what you see is what you're gonna get. The starting pitchers' Dr. Milton/Mr. Rijo personality disorder means each game is like a box of chocolates. Consistently inconsistent is the grade right now and in the NL Central that's good enough for a 1/2 game lead over the Cardinals.

Now on to the important stuff .....

What's your price? Seriously .. we all have one. Decisions and actions we wouldn't normally make require only the promise of green to persuade us to do otherwise. Desperation, or lack thereof, can certainly cause the number of Benjamin's being discussed to fluctuate, but even in those seedy intrigues of human morality we don't like to discuss in polite company there is still a number. Peggy's number to walk, prodded by the old leaky bladder man Freddy Rumsen, was $19,000 ($135,000 in today's cash). Pete suggested Joan's number to prostitute herself was $50,000 ($355,000 today .. take that Ashley Dupre!!! You only got $4,300 for a night with the Governor of New York ... RIP-OFF!!!! Joan slept with the head of the Jaguar Dealer's Association and destroyed your number!!! Who's the cheap slut now???). Lane, desperate to conceal his embezzlement, proved he is Pete's weasley equal by nixing a one-time cash splash and planting a 5% partnership seed in Joan's head which, if grown to full size, would shade his own number of self-serving greed. Don has a number too, but it's based on his ego and pride. He wants the whole Jaguar account place at his feet while the office supplicates to his ring of creativity. He needed to prove he could still win a client over with his idealized commercial visions of seductresses on wheels, and Joan's Cleopatra turn (one of Pete's best evil genius turns to date!! Joan is smarter than her breasts she looks. Cleopatra traded sex for power first to Julius Caesar and then to Mark Antony. Pete + Lane = Joan's name on the front door) sullied his triumph. This episode was really about Joan and Peggy living out the ethos of Betty Frieden and Gloria Steinem in a way to strip Don of the important women in his life again. Don may be headed to Casanova's Hall of Fame with all the notches on his belt, but the women he truly values in life have always deserted or disappointed him. In this one episode, Megan, having already bolted the SCDP offices for Broadway dreams, hopes to head to Boston for four months, Joan sells the one thing Don has never been able to sweet talk from her, and protege Peggy abandons him for a rival agency. Don's power and creativity are waning ... Pete's high level business transactions and Ginsberg's creativity are slowly chipping away at Don's aura. When Don realized his Hail Mary attempt to stop Joan's night with a whale had fallen to the turf, his ego-soothing Jaguar triumph deflated like a three-day old birthday balloon. Peggy's lightning bolt to Cutler Gleason and Chaough only served to treble Don's mommy abandonment issues. Where does Don go from here? Out the window like his silhouette in the intro? We won't have to wait too long ... only two episodes left. Bring 'em on!!!

Good Tuesday effort after a long weekend ... More tomorrow. C-YA!!

If you smeeellllllllll la la la la .....

There are two aromas I know I can sniff out better than any bloodhound alive: sweets and summer vacation. Right now the sweet smell of summer is filling my nostrils like helium (without the accompaniment of a Mickey Mouse voice) and I'm hot on summer's trail!! Memorial Day is the traditional kick off for some, but it's only an hors d'oeuvres on my summer menu. As my French friends say, "A quoi bon le plat principal sans un plat bon côté?" At least I think they were talking about food ... and while we're on the subject of food, is anybody headed down to the Taste of Cincinnati this weekend? A tsumani of drool just crested under my tongue at the thought of all the tasty morsels I can enjoy!! Never fear ... I will weather the heat and humidity for my loyal followers to bring back a full report. You will find me posted midway between the Montogomery Inn and Graeter's booths, summer shandy in hand. Stop by and say hello. And drive safely ... our public safety officials will be out in force all weekend!

Don't look now but Major General Dusty Custer has his Redlegs on a roll .... six on the trot .... against a tough band of redskins Native Americans - even if they were missing Sitting Bull Jones and Crazy Horse McCann. The GASP was welcoming all small fly hitters again last night with eight of the nine totals runs scored courtesy of the launching pad. Michael Bourne of the Braves, he of two HRs all of last season, hit his third homer of the series off Homer. Despite the poor nickname assignment for a kid destined to flame ninety-five MPH spheres of twine and leather from an elevated mound, David Dewitt Bailey, Jr., put together another strong outing surrendering only two runs in six innings of hurling. Juan "Too Fat for Cincinnati" "Chubb Rock" Francisco did ding Sudden Sammy LeCure for another round trip, but the big blast came from one Reds prospect who still plays in Cincinnati: Devin Mesoraco. The Reds rookie catcher cleared the loaded bases when he got funky in the sixth inning and his teammates didn't look back. Although despised by His Dustiness, the Committee of Closers continues to get the job done when the Missile is undergoing routine maintenance. The Redlegs get twelve games against the Colorado Rockies, Pittsburgh Pirates and Houston Lastros now and they need to make some Nirvana-like noise against these stragglers. 9-3 may be too much to ask, but 8-4 is the drop dead goal for this team as the calendar turns to June.

I'm not going to put a damper on this weekend's festivities, instead choosing to focus on some food for thought. As you play Kobayashi at the family cookout this weekend, try not to choke on thoughts of the economy as the summer heats up. Our Grecian friends (quote stolen directly from George W!) and Spanish conquista-nothings are having serious economic issues which threaten the entire European Union. Facebook's IPO couldn't fill up its training bra. Reports out of China paint a dim picture of economic growth there in the first quarter of 2012. What's all of that mean??? There are going to be a lot of economy watchers (including both Presidential candidates) sweating this summer and it's got nothing to do with the temperature.

I was transfixed this morning watching the International Space Station capture Space X's Dragon capsule while orbiting at a pedestrian 17500 MPH (5 miles per second!). Dragon moved to within 10 meters of the I.S.S. before the it was grabbed by the stations robotic arm and dragged into docking position. Just another example of why America ingenuity and technical know-how is unrivaled .. a corporation did what only four nations on earth have done before today. Congrats to Elon Musk, the entrepreneur not the fragrance, and his entire Space X team!!!

Several porn stars adult performers were in the news today. Jenna Jameson got picked up for DUI. She couldn't 'talk' her way out of that one??? She didn't have enough to 'offer'??? Tip of the cap to that cop for resisting temptation. Enough of that ... she's washed up anyway. Slick Willy Clinton on the other hand is showing more staying power than a dose of Viagra!!! At a benefit in Monaco for the William J. Clinton Foundation, he posed for an 'impromptu' picture with three female porn stars adult performers who were in attendance. Now I have a couple questions. How do female porn stars adult performers get invited to a benefit ball (no pun intended!) in Monaco? Was it a Make a Wish Foundation experience for some wealthy, terminally ill head (no pun intended!) of state? Who put Silvio Berlusconi in charge of the invitations? How did the ginger in the picture get Monica Lewinsky's dress? And more importantly has it finally been laundered?? Those stains are tough to get out!!! No cigars in the pictures ... maybe Slick Willy behaved himself.

Big racing weekend .. Indy 500 ... Southern 600 ... but foremost in my mind is the World of Outlaws at Lawrenceburg Speedway on Monday. Considering a trip over.

Enjoy the picnics and barbeques this weekend!!! Talk on Tuesday!!!

Ocho cinco, cinco victorias para los rojos y las cucarachas

Motivated by a near car breakdown text from South Florida last night, I had to brush up on my Espanol in case I had to canvass neighborhoods from North Miami to Boca Raton hunting down my buddy Jethro. His Jeep pulled through though and the crisis was averted so I can revert to English. Gracias!

Ocho Cinco
Ochocinco sadly reported on the OCNN (Ocho Cinco News Network) that his luxury SUV was broken into Tuesday night. Someone with sticky fingers (and a brick to break windows) made off with Chad's wallet containing his L's, some credit cards and cash, along with his iPod and most importantly his Starbucks Gold Card. It's good to know the police in Boston catch petty criminals at the same rate Ocho caught passes from pretty boy Tom Brady ... which is to say the snatch and grabbers are still on the loose. Chad was distraught over losing his hard earned Starbucks card believing it to be made of 24k gold ... just like his grill. Ocho heard the crooks smashing his window, but lacked the speed to catch up to the bandits. Around the NFL defensive coordinators and cornerbacks all agreed Ocho could have tracked down the Gold Card desperados if he still had some wheels. No truth to the rumor the thugs left behind a a cardboard goals chart with a checkmark in the "Punk Chad" box. Next item on the list left behind by the thieves .... driveway sit-ups with TO. Good luck guys!!

Las Cucarachas
******** WARNING: TECHNICAL POLITICAL DISCUSSION BELOW********
I know ... I shouldn't insult cockroaches by comparing them to a group of Republican legislators in Columbus. These representatives preference for scurrying away from bright lights of legality must be purely coincidental. The latest attempt by Kasich's cronies to take rights away from Ohioans was the passing of Senate Bill 295 (SB295). Oh ... you haven't heard of SB295?? Well that's just how they like things up in Columbus these days! To understand SB295 we have to travel back to House Bill 194 (HB194), which was purportedly designed to prevent voter fraud ahead of this fall's Presidential election. Some key provisions in HB194 were the shortening of the absentee voting period, eliminating walk-in voting at county Board of Elections offices in the three days prior to the election and prohibiting poll workers from directing voters to their correct precinct. They were looking into adding poll taxes and literacy tests until they were reminded both have been illegal since the mid-1960's. Now if you are a patriot like myself, you might be wondering why our state government would be trying to restrict people's ability to vote. Hold that thought ... we'll come back to it. HB194 was passed in 2011, but opponents gathered enough signatures to keep the law from being effective until Ohio's citizens could hold a referendum (Teacher's note: Referendum = vote by citizens to repeal a law passed by a legislature) vote on HB194. Fearing the referendum vote would be successful and HB 194 would be repealed, Kasich's cronies began working on a new piece of legislation, SB295, which would repeal some parts of HB194 and therefore make the referendum invalid (Procedural note: the law the referendum was attempting to repeal (HB194) would no longer exist, therefore an entirely new referendum process would have to be initiated to repeal only those portions of the law still in existence). While SB295 did remove some parts of HB194, the restrictions on absentee voting (limiting the days you could vote absentee from 35 to 16 and prohibiting county board of elections from mailing absentee voter forms out), limiting voting at County Board of Elections and eliminating precinct directions from poll workers were all left intact. SB295 was rapidly passed through the General Assembly and signed by the Governor even though constitutional lawyers warned of the legal implications of repealing portions of a law being contested through referendum. Now both laws and the referendum will be headed to court where our state government will spend hundreds of thousands of dollars, if not more, trying to defend partisan legislation which limits voting. Egyptians were triumphantly waving blue-inked fingers while here in the good ole' USA were trying to make it harder for people to vote. So ask yourself why would anyone try to limit voting??? Election turnout is usually under 50% and you want to make it harder to vote??? Who usually votes absentee in Ohio??? Before I'm branded a bleeding heart liberal (I'm anything but), go do your research. If you're willing to buy excuses like "voting in Board of Election offices takes away from their preparations for voting day" and "if people cared enough about voting they would know their precinct's polling location", then I have some beachfront property on the beautiful Mill Creek I'd like to sell you. Pollution free!!! No carcinogens in that water!!! You can catch fresh fish in the afternoon and fry them up for dinner ... just ignore the mercury sparks!!! My dream before I die is for Americans to take back our government from career partisan politicians (on both sides of the aisle!!!) and allow democracy to flourish.

Cinco victorias para los Rojos
Ladies and Gentlemen .... I introduce to you .... from Toms River, NJ .... Smokin' Todd Frazier!!! I'll admit his game winning blast was more of a game winning GASP (Great American Small Park .. Thanks Doc!!), but who's arguing??? The Reds got great pitching from Arroyo, Arrendondo and Chapman (pick the American from that group and win fabulous prizes!) to beat Tommy Hanson and the Braves. The bats ... somnombulant (def: walking while asleep) ... until Frazier's GASP in the bottom of the ninth to give the Reds their fifth victory on the trot. The Reds are still a half game back because the Padres hit like the Reds and lost their third in a row to the Cardinals. It's been a good stretch of wins against quality teams, but I still question the Reds ability to get on an extended run. Los Rojos are more likely to be a grind-it-out team trying to win series after series without ripping off a ten or twelve game winning streak. They just don't hit enough to overcome a poor starting pitching performance. While the hurlers have looked good the last five nights, you can't expect one and two run outings for the remaining three quarters of the season. As Memorial Day kicks off the traditional summer season it will be interesting to see if the Reds make a move for a bat to stick behind Vottomatic. For now I'm going to enjoy the ride!!!

Done for the day. Meeting with the Principal of Clark about our summer schedule. Five will get you ten that it turns into a disciplinary run down of my players transgressions. Fun times!!!

Remembering your first time ....

Your thoughts are offensive!! Get your minds out of the gutter immediately!! This isn't Skinemax!!

A couple of things happened in the last 24 hours which have caused me to be in a very nostalgic mood ... scary I know!! Last night I saw a ghost from my past ... well not really a ghost ... more like a the original creeper. While I was still peacefully sleeping this morning (I ripped all the smoke detectors off my ceiling to stop the beeping), Egyptians were out casting their first democratic vote. Today is our Seniors last day here at Live Oaks and tonight is their Senior Ceremony. All of these events got me to reminiscing .... so watch out!!!!

The Don
Growing up, my circle of friends was convinced a certain unnamed (mainly to limit my own personal liability) individual was Chester the child molester. How we came to our conclusion is still to this day unknown ... at least I don't think any of my friends had any 'first hand' experience with the Don. By the time we were in high school, it had become a full-time obsession for one of my friends and he drew our entire circle into his Quixotic quest to out the Don. The Don wasn't a Catholic priest, but he did seem to officiate or referee every sport we played in as youngsters and show up randomly at sporting events where kids were in abundance. The evidence was flimsy I agree, but it was enough for us to build our case. In the pre-Internet days (note to younger readers: personal, home computers were exceptionally rare throughout my high school years. Al Gore hadn't yet invented the Internet when I graduated from high school. No one had cell phones .. only beepers!! Huh? How did we survive? Because we were 234890 times more inventive than you will ever be. We played outside too ... can you imagine? It's not just Larry Bird's Pacers who are S O F T nowadays!), Tom Quixote (name altered to protect the mostly innocent) was somehow able to track down where the Don lived, where he worked, his daily schedule and, I have heard, what he like to eat for breakfast. Once we were of driving age the quest to capture the Don in the act so to speak became one of our most frequent leisure activities. We would slowly drive by his house with a camera at the ready to catch our own version of Boo Radley in the act. The sight of kids' bikes on his lawn would cause our camera's shutter go off in Uzi-like bursts. Imagining the swirl of a curtain or the creaking of a door as an excuse to bolt faster than Usain, we would speed away certain we were one step closer to busting the Don. It became the lowest insult we could hurl at each other ... to call another one of the Don's 'boys'. Alas, I graduated high school and my concerns about the Don receded into the spaces of memory rarely visited. But when I saw a ghost of life past striding toward my son's baseball diamond last night in a light blue umpire's shirt stretched over a chest protector, my mind went blank except for an antique checklist. He had the same beady eyes scanning for children, the thinning salt and pepper comb-over greasily plastered to his forehead, his face streaked with the sweat of a man afraid to be exposed .... and then I chuckled. A quick post to Facebook had my old friends LOL'ing, but it was a nervous LOL because maybe we hadn't finished our quest. He's still out there my friends ... who's gonna ride with me to the Don's house???

Egypt
I'm still amazed at the thought of some Egyptian casting a vote to democratically elect a leader for the first time in their history. How many hours of my youth did I spend learning about the greatness of Egypt in antiquity (two antique references today ... i'm on a roll ... time to go solo!)?? And for all the greatness of Egypt and the Suez Canal, they were a people under authoritarian rule. George W. Bush, parodied as Alfred E. Neuman for most of his term, believed people in the Middle East would embrace democracy before most Americans believed it possible. W may not have been able to express his vision accurately ... heck he couldn't pronounce half of the countries were democracy is taking root today ... but he knew people are meant to decide their political conditions. Egyptians will line up for hours today to vote and I wonder how long the lines will be here in November for our Presidential election. I remember how excited I was to vote for the first time in 1990 and how I still proudly wear a one cent "I Voted Today" sticker on my chest every opportunity I get. How many of you vote? How many of you complain about our government or taxes? If you didn't raise your hand for the first answer, then you shouldn't have raised your hand for the second. Democracy only works if you hold those elected accountable by your vote. When only 50% of registered voters (which isn't 100% of the population) show up to vote, our representatives have no reason to make decisions in the best interest of all Americans and can tailor their votes and political ideology to the people who will show up to support them at the polls. Get out and vote in November!!! It's a privilege were have neglected for too long. Here endeth the lesson.

The Reds
Four wins in a row?? Against quality teams?? Say it ain't so!! Mat Latos was dealing last night and showed glimpses (although not of his wife .. bummer) of why the Reds brass thought he could be a top of the rotation pitcher. He threw 116 pitches in seven full innings of work, not necessarily efficient but not especially wasteful, and held the Braves to two runs. The Reds bats were mostly quiet (only 6 hits) and took advantage of three funkblasts to score all four runs. That's two games in a row where all the Reds' runs have been scored via the longball. Chicks might dig long things, but offenses sputter when they can't string together three or four hits in a row. The Reds have only two hitters over .275 (Votto and Hanigan) which worries everyone by His Dustiness. The Cuban Missile showed no ill effects from his journey to Shawshank (the prison in the movie is located not to far from C-Bus), so I'm guessing the Sisters didn't bother him. The Missile followed Ricky Vaughn's advice for a closer - give him the heater - and blew some of Atlanta's best hitters away like a Cuban firing squad. Except for the bullet off Matt Diaz's bat that Miggy Cairo caught with his chest, the Missile was never threatened in picking up his second save of the season. Bronson Arroyo takes his mullet to the mound tonight against Tommy Hanson. Hanson has pitched well returning from shoulder surgery but does have a wild streak. The Reds aren't known as a patient team at the dish, but the key tonight could be running up the pitch count and getting into Atlanta's bullpen. The Cardinals are still hanging onto first place by a half game having beat Easy-E (Edison Volquez) and the Padres last night. Plus the Cards say Berkman is only going to be out six to eight weeks ... H E double hockeysticks!! Oh well ... Dusty's last stand rolls on!

High School Graduation
We graduate our Seniors tonight and I would like to wish them well. The night I graduated from Middletown High School was accompanied by thunderous booms (there were thunderstorms around us, including one just over the Great Miami River in Madison Township) as I walked across the stage in Barnitz Stadium. I've never felt more invincible then that moment 22 years ago as I left the stadium in my purple graduation gown surrounded by family and friends. The world really was mine for a night and I believed every Seussian word of "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" It hasn't been the easiest ride, nor the route I predicted, but I wouldn't change a minute of my life to this point. As I stare at 40 and the old age of my youth, I am reminded of the much skinnier 18 year old version of Scott Kerr. My eyes have seen many twists and turns, expanding waistlines and receding hairlines and many miles under my feet. Friends have come and gone (although enemies accumulate .. words of wisdom!) and fatherhood has matured me. But my mind continues to burn with some of the same fires I stoked as a young man. I still do believe I can change the world for the better, and hopefully some of those agents of change will be infiltrating society this evening. I still do bleed purple, although I don't visit much. I still do believe there are places I will go and sights I will see which will impact my life forever. I do not, however, still have much of my hair left. Most of all I believe in myself and my ability to overcome any situation, and that my friends is the most important belief of all. Good luck Live Oaks graduates of 2012!!!

Catch the Missile ... if you can!!!

Somebody dropped a caffeine bomb loaded with super bouncy balls inside my head this morning. Or maybe it was the malfunctioning smoke detectors in my house beeping randomly the last two nights at 3 a.m. which has scrambled my thoughts better than Waffle House (scattered, covered & chunked for this guy!). Needless to say there's not much focus going on in Kerrlandia today. I apologize in advance, but not for the Mad Men review!!!

The Cuban Missile tried  to catch up to one of his fastballs Sunday night/Monday morning on a highway outside Columbus. It's really not a good look for the Mercedes S63 (pictured above) when the car clocked in only a couple of ticks higher than the Missile's slider, and ten MPH below his best fastball. Come on Mercedes!!! Your ad campaign as a 'sports' car just got destroyed!!! You're gonna have to pick up the pace Grandma!!! The Grove City police did a better job of catching up to a speeding Missile than Andruw Jones did earlier on Sunday, but unfortunately Aroldis was missing his L's . While a driver's license may be optional in Cuba, it's good to know Fidel still mandates political prisoner mugshot training in his primary schools. Smile!! Either that or Flava Flav lost a necklace. The only thing in Columbus good enough force a late night dash up 71 is a Schmidt's Creme Puff. C-bus is not the City that Never Sleeps though, so the Missile would have been a tad bit early to the German Village eatery. It is good to know someone other than Dusty Custer can slow down the Missile. Kudos GCPD!!! And Aroldis .... get some sleep!

The Crosstown Shoot-Out is moving to U.S. Bank Arena. I guess the powers to be at XU and UC wanted to deaden the crowd and actually play at a morgue in case the violence from last season's game escalates. First off ... let's call the arena what it is: Riverfront Coliseum! Secondly, unless you do what the Cyclones do and sell $2 beers at games, the Coliseum has all the genial ambiance of Cruella De Vil. You want a UC-XU crowd on alcohol fuel? A dalmatian can't change its spots anymore than this game can be turned into a non-rivalry. It should be an intense, heated game ... especially for UC considering all the gnawing Mick Cronin does about lack of attendance at the Bearcats non-league cake eating contests. UC, XU, MU, WSU, NKU and UD should all play in some sort of unofficial Miami Valley 6 challenge with the winner getting some sort of silverware. (Sidenote: Yes I know XU & UD are in the same league. Pick one of the two games to count in the standings for the MV6 Cup.) The big 3 (UC, XU and MU UD) get to go 2-1 with the small 3 (MU, NKU, WSU) and home and home with each other. The Shoemaker Center (5/3rd Arena), Cintas Center and UD Arena are guaranteed sell-outs for each of those games, while the other three venues (Millet Morgue Hall, Nutter Center and BOK Arena) would see their biggest crowds of the season. It's an idea so good only the Hamilton County Commissioners and the Cincinnati City Council would turn it down. Zip 'em up!!

Space X successfully launched this morning about the same time my smoke detectors were detecting ... well I don't know what they were detecting but they sure as hell kept beeping!! You can beat down American invention and know how if you want, but an American corporation did what North Korea could not ... successfully launch a rocket and capsule into orbit. Elon Musk, the entrepreneur not the fragrance, might have been born in South Africa but he knew where he could turn his dreams into reality and it sure as heck wasn't Johannesburg. The world may be flat ... America still sits on a hill overlooking it all (yes .. even the ever growing anthill called China). Musk has now been responsible for the greatest electric car made (Tesla Motors), the easiest payment method on eBay (PayPal) and is now launching rockets into space. If all goes well, the Falcon capsule will dock with the International Space Station on Friday and a new era in space travel will commence. PayPal engage!!

The Reds beat the Braves last night 4-1 behind a very good pitching performance by master klepto locator Mike Leake. If Leake could steal like he pitched last night he would star in Catch Me If You Can II. His pitches moved like a thief evading a mall cop (Paul Blart excepted) and the Braves couldn't follow the dancing ball. The offense came from four solo home runs (somewhere Adam Dunn is slowly nodding his head), two from Drew Stubbs. Mike Leake and Zack Cozart hit back to back shots in the fourth inning which were both caught by the same fan. The ninth inning got a little dicey with the closer-by-committee members Jose Arredondo and Sean Marshall putting runners on 2nd and 3rd before striking out Jason Heyward to end the game. The wins keeps the Reds a half game behind the Cardinals heading into tonight's game. Mat Latos, husband of Dallas Latos, takes the hill for the Reds to be faced by Brandon Beachy. Beachy is off to a great start to the season with a 5-1 record and 1.33 ERA. Latos needs to be more pitch efficient and go deeper into games to have the desired effect on the Reds expected when they shipped their entire AAA team to San Diego for him. At least we got Dallas Latos in the deal.

Do you know the feeling you get when you light a firework only to have it fizzle out as a complete dud? Your expectations for bright explosions turn out like Facebook stock (down 6% today). That's how I was left feeling Sunday night around 10:50 when it became apparent Don and Joan were not going to drive the shiny red Jaguar home from the bar together. I thought the least Matty Weiner could do in this episode for Don would be to write in something good happening. First Don dutifully accompanies Megan to an anti-capitalist play where the actors were using Rip Hamilton's plastic masks. Then Lane forges Don's name on a company check as part of an embezzlement scheme to pay off Lane's tax bill in England. Just when Don gets a chance to explode some sexual napalm with Joan ... he blinks. Don never blinks!!!! What is the Madison Avenue world coming to when Pete Campbell is cleaning up on Wisteria Lane and Don is laying his bat down in Midtown Manhattan??? Joan may not have offered herself up the way Lakshmi did to Harry (I'm burning for you ... take me like this), but all Don had to do was RSVP to the invitation and BBBOOOOOMMMMM!! I'm sure the napalm inferno would have reduced the SCDP offices to ashes the way Joan reduced the receptionist to tears after receiving her divorce papers, so maybe Matty was keeping Don's best interest at heart. But the night didn't get any better for Don, coming home to flying plates of spaghetti from his wife. My screen was pixalating but I think Don said, "I forgot to call ... I'm home late ... blow a gasket. Psh!!! I'm Don Draper .. check the name on my back .. I come home when I want!!!" right before the noodles flew furiously. While Megan may have missed him with the fine china, she hit the bullseye with her dagger detailing Don's lack of satisfaction at SCDP. He can't get no .... satisfaction .... until the company Christmas party when he goes Knute Rockne about the prospect of winning the Jaguar contract. Don's speech was the culmination of Bert Cooper's boot to his rear, Mikey Ginsberg sparking a fire in his belly and Megan's splash of cold, hard reality to the face. It remains to be seen if Don can unleash the creative genius which has served him so well in the past. He's the Mariano Rivera of winning advertising pitches ... can he do it again? Enter Sandman!!!

Nice article on former Bengal Jon Kitna I picked up from a loyal reader! I hope I would have done the same had I achieved my hoop dreams.

Carpel Tunnel is acting up. Gotta get some rest. Talk tomorrow.

P.S. Robin Gibb ... is not .. staying alive, staying alive. RIP

The Missile Conundrum

Somewhere in Havana, Fidel Castro is chuckling over his morning Metamucil. Castro, as those of you who have studied the Cuban dictator know, is a baseball aficionado and his influence has allowed the game to flourish in Cuba during his time in power. While the dictator and Aroldis Chapman probably do not exchange Christmas cards (Is Christmas legal in Cuba?), I have heard Castro follows Cuban defectors in the major leagues very closely. So envision for a moment the look of utter confusion on El Presidente's face as he digested Dusty Custer's comments about Aroldis "The Cuban Missile" Chapman over the past couple days in Granma. While discussing the Reds' closer problems, His Dustiness said Sunday morning, "“I don’t know. It depends. If it’s predominantly left-handed, it will be Marshall. I’ve got to stay away from Chapman. He’s gone three out of four days. (Jose) Arredondo is four of five. It depends on where we are in their lineup. Chapman is my No. 1 candidate. But he’s not as good the second day. Last year, he wasn’t nearly as good the third day. We may have to give him two days, go back to someone else two days. We’ve got to figure this out. That bullpen-by-committee, I haven’t seen it work too much. It makes my job harder. It makes their job harder. Everybody likes continuity as far as work." Laurel & Hardy were still wondering who was the closer .... Who? No he's on first. Dusty went on to rule Chapman out of Sunday's game against the New York Yankees, but after hablo-ing Espanol with Chapman said, "He (Chapman) said he was fine. My inclination was not to use him before we asked him. We go on an honor program here. Let us know if you’re not right, you’re tired or achy or whatever. This is his time. We’ve got a long way to go. August and September might be a different scenario. Right now, we’re trying to get these guys strong through the whole season." Got all that? Hieroglyphs are easier to follow! Only a renown rambler like Castro could appreciate those sentiments which were as clear as Cuban cigar smoke. So what did the Dustrator do in the ninth inning of yesterday's game? He called on the Missile to face 4 left-handed batters in a row - contradicting both his 'not going to use Chapman today' dictate as well as his preference for Marshall facing lefties. Daft old Dusty ... just when you think you've got him figured out ....

Luckily the Reds trip to New York is easier to decipher than Dusty's tea leaves ... It has to be qualified as a success. Winning three of five games allowed the Reds to come back to Cincinnati over .500 and only a half game behind the Cardinals. The Dodgers beat the Cardinals like a fan in one of their parking lots (seriously ... another parking lot beating in LA? Long tradition of roadside beatdowns in the City of Angels stretching from Rodney King, to the white dude in the semi, to the Giants' fan last season, to the fender-bender driver last night) and Lance Berkman will be sidelined for the year with a torn ACL sustained in Saturday nights game. Hannibal Lecter would have had a harder time killing and cutting up Reds pitching the way Berkman has over his career. Not that the Reds were cheering his injury, but I did faintly hear the Bailey, Arroyo, Latos and Leake (B.A.L.L.4) singing the Happy Days theme song on yesterday's postgame (Cueto in SAP) show. C.C. Sabbathia hasn't missed any meals at Al's Diner lately (his pinstripes are wavy!!) and the Reds didn't miss any of his pitches in the seventh inning either. Hanigan and Ludwick got funky and then C.C. missed the plate to walk in another run. It's only his second missed plate of the season!! A couple of insurance runs in the ninth, including more funk from Ludwick (Dusty got him going!!!), and the suddenly available Missile closed the Yankees out in the house George built (see Thursday's edition for more details). The Reds welcome the Braves and Chipper Jones to GABP tonight to start a three game set. It will be Chipper's last visit to Cincinnati as he is retiring after this season. From one 39 year old to another ... congrats Chipper! Surefire Hall of Famer.

Facebook's IPO fell flatter than Kate Moss on Friday but still made plenty of Benjamins for the angel investors. Mark Zuckerberg updated his pre-nup and status the next day as he married his long-time girlfriend. Let's hope Zuckerberg was able to keep it up longer in the Honeymoon Suite than on Wall Street as Facebook shares were trading $5 below the $38 offering price today. Facebook is widely accessible but its value as money tree is going to be questioned by many on the Street. Advertising is what gives Facebook its green glaze, but when General Motors and others scurrying away from social media advertising dollars like roaches from a flashlight there will be alarm bells ringing in investors heads. Zuckerberg shouldn't worry too much though .... He's worth $19 billion now and Tom over at MySpace is always looking for new friends.

While Zuckerberg's stock was free-falling Friday afternoon, I'll Have Another's fee was skyrocketing Saturday afternoon!! And I ain't talking stock prices if you know what I mean! With another stretch sprint I'll Have Another caught and passed Bodemeister to win the Preakness and the first two legs of the Triple Crown. Might we have our first Triple Crown winner since Affirmed in 1978? Stay tuned on June 9th! Much of horse racing and betting is determined by breeding, and I'll Have Another's parents are as close to a 2:45 a.m. post-bar hook-up as you'll find. I'll Have Another's father was named Flower Alley (Flower Alley ... for a dude?? No wonder he never won any races) and had a stud fee of $7500. The last horse to win the Derby and Preakness - Big Brown - was studding for $65000 this year. What's that tell you about his father's quality?? That he would have been better off named Rudolf and was always the last horse picked for all the thoroughbred games? I'll Have Another's mother is named Arch's Gal Edith as in Edith Bunker ... from All in the Family (note to younger readers: All in the Family was a long running TV show in the 70's). Not even Lonely Island wants to sleep with his mom! If he has another and captures the Belmont, I'll Have Another will have $95000 one night stands with as many dames as he can get another up. It's not bad work if you can get it!!

Internet is out ... how will I post? Hmmmm .... problem solver hat on!! Talk tomorrow.

Coaching causes baldness

I can clearly remember the day I decided to become a basketball coach. I was sitting in the Shoemaker Center (I think it's called 5th/3rd Arena now?) bleachers after a good rec with one of the guys who lived next door to me in Calhoun Hall at UC. I was a History major in the Pre-Law program, but after a funky smelling conversation with Greg Malo I decided education and coaching was the path for me. Fifteen years later with half my hair still intact, I was a head coach. Within in three years I was completely bald. Coincidence? I think not. Being a head basketball coach is really stressful, but it is also the best medicine for my soul and drug for my consciousness I have ever found. You wanna float with Snoop Dogg and Lil' Wayne? Beat a team no one thought you could .... your feet float above the ground better than Criss Angel or the Tangerine Dream ever could. Lose a game you're not supposed to lose and you'll realize why Kurt Cobain thought swallowing a shotgun was a good idea. The part of coaching which keeps me in it is the kids ... and I've had some great ones. You become more of a social worker most of the time (and psychiatrist with mainly parents) and you learn there are four ways to deal with kids. You can pat them on the back, kick them in the butt, leave them alone or cut ties with them. Most kids respond to one of the first three methods, but occasionally you have to cut ties. Luckily for me I have had many more great kids than kids I have to cut ties with, and hopefully the ones you cut ties with understand it is always business and never personal. It really boils down to one thing: Are you going to do what I need you to do to move our program forward? If the answer is yes, I will work with you until we're both dog tired. If the answer is no, then I have no time for distractions. The unfortunate part is some players, most parents and virtually every AAU coach don't understand that the real world is the same way!!! Your boss has expectations for your performance to insure the company or organization survives. If you don't show up, bad mouth your co-workers, threaten to quit or run your mouth on Twitter and Facebook you will end up fired. Rule #1 for keeping your job: Show up on time everyday. Rule #2: Do what your boss expects you to do. The basketball program I have helped to create works the same way. If that makes me a bully, then your boss with be King Kong. Here endeth the lesson!

Unless you have been hanging out with Chuck Noland and Wilson on a deserted tropical island the past couple months, you would know how important in U.S. history today's Facebook IPO is!!! It is going to make some really rich people even richer!!! I love American invention and entrepreneurial spirit more than Frisch's Hot Fudge Cake, but the majority of Americans will see absolutely no benefit from taking Facebook public. Although Bono will become the richest musician alive (He stands to make $1.5 billion on his Facebook investment and will surpass Paul McCartney, who has a paltry $665 million). Hopefully he has found what he is looking for or can hire the person to find if for him!! Conversely tomorrow's big event has the chance push the boundaries of American science and technological achievement farther than even Facebook can reach. Space X, founded by Elon Musk (born in South Africa & made billions in the U.S. & is a U.S. citizen), is poised to become the first private spacecraft to reach the International Space Station and return. I would herald the return of manned American spaceflight and show the technological mastery of an American corporation. The vast majority of countries (eh-hum .. North Korea) do not have the technological know-how to put things into orbit. It's a huge accomplishment and shows maybe the U.S. isn't as technologically inept as some in the mainstream media would have you believe.

The Reds lost to the Mets yesterday afternoon ... I knew I shouldn't have put the Vottomatic homerun in the blog!!!! The curse of Bill Simmons lives!!!! Dusty threw out another famous "Gotta get him going" quote yesterday in defense of starting Ryan Ludwick (he of the .183 batting average). Even Mario Mendoza would be offended if Ludwick was mentioned in the same breath!!! Free Chris Heisey has been on fire lately and doubled in his only AB yesterday, but Dusty Custer said "I know everybody wants to play the guy who is hot. But what happens when the guy who’s hot gets cold and the guy who’s cold never gets lukewarm because he ain’t playing?" Abbot and Costello nodded silently from the grave wondering when Why would get a start in LF. One person who won't get a start anytime soon is Aroldis Chapman. Read more here. Which only makes sense because His Dustiness knows baseball and the rest of us don't, so stop asking. The Reds are consistently inconsistent to the point where even Vottomatic is becoming Vottosometimes (a throwing error on Wednesday and a baserunning error yesterday). He is still crushing the ball and I can only Tangerine Dream what would happen if guys got on base in front of him and he had some protection hitting behind him. I defer to the Hit King on hitting (Dusty listens to no man!!) so the Reds batting order should look like this: Phillips, Hanigan, Votto, Bruce, Heisey, Stubbs, Frazier, Cozart and a pitcher. No Hanigan? Cozart goes to 2 and Mesoraco goes to 8. Just take a toke of this order Dusty!!! It will be dreamy!!! The Reds finally play a three game series .. against the Yankees in the house George built. No ... not George Herman "Babe" Ruth, Jr. George Michael Steinbrenner III - holder of a Master's Degree in Physical Education from The Ohio State University - built the house the Reds visit this weekend. Bronson Arroyo faces a fresh from testifying Andy Pettitte who may or may not have taken hgh recently. 3 win and 2 losses in the Big Apple would be fabulous!!! Let's go Reds!!!

Live Oaks Golf Outing is in an hour. I'm warming up in my room as we speak and I putted earlier in class. I'm ready. Let's Goooooooooooooooo!!!!

P.S. Shout-out to Paul Woodson and Phil Hardaway on graduating this weekend from Aiken and Withrow respectively. Two former Cougars who still bleed blue!!!! Good Luck!!!!

A Cat Fight, Minorities and the Treadmill Effect

Nothing eases the pain of losing Wisteria Lane to history (HEY!! Get your hand off my Dude Card ... I've never watched Desperate Housewives .. not even the day I thought someone replaced my sphincter with a hose and I spent all day seated on my ceramic throne passing muddy water!) like a real life cat fight!!! No .. it's not Jennifer Aniston versus Angelina Jolie (moneyline: Aniston +2100, Jolie -1700) .. this time it involves some old hags!!!! In the red corner you have the Queen Elizabeth of England and in the yellow corner stands Queen Sofia of Spain. Sofia has the advantage of younger legs and quickness (73 years old), but Elizabeth counters with much more power (86 years old and head of England's royal family since 1952). Their dispute centers on a finely chiseled eunuch currently sunning himself in the south of Spain. Queen Elizabeth has him in her bed and Queen Sofia wants him back. No ladies .. I'm not talking about Enrique Iglesias (although I have heard he's a eunuch!!) .. I'm talking about the rock known as Gibraltar. Will we see hair pulling, screaming, claw marks, clothes flying and nip slips (Whoa .. sorry .. I was thinking about Aniston v. Jolie .. not the geriatric queens)??? Even better!!! Queen Sofia is going to skip tomorrow's festivities in London celebrating Queen Elizabeth's Diamond Jubilee!!! Imagine the stare down over tea we're going to miss!!! Queen Sofia shouting, "Que no es tan malo, Liz ... que no es tan malo!!" to her distant cousin as she passes by in her processional. The pay-per-view would be huge for the 'Brawl at Buckingham'!!! England has only possessed Gibraltar for 300 years (62 years before the U.S. declared its independence from George III), so it may seem odd to Americans to continue fighting over a small scrap of land. Royal grudges die hard and nothing packs a punch like publically snubbing an invitation to the Monarch's Ball. Oh the uplifted noses knocked out of place by such a breach of etiquette. Tsk-tsk!!

On our side of the pond, minority births surpassed little white babies for the first time in our history. By itself it's not earthshaking news, but it does sound a harbinger for the future racial/ethnic make-up of the United States. Currently 36.6% of the U.S. population are minority groups (16.7% Hispanic, 12.3% African-American, 4.8% Asian), and by 2040 it is estimated the minority population will be 50%. I'll be 68 if I survive long enough to see a holographic Dick Clark welcome in 2040 and probably be wearing Depends while being spoon fed strained peas so I won't care (unless the Ohio General Assembly continues to push the retirement age for teachers up). For my loyal younger readers, you will be moving through an America with very different political and social underpinnings not seen before in recorded history. Never has a country without a single ethnic majority managed to stay united, and especially not one with several large ethnic/racial splits. I hope our nation can move beyond racial/ethnic divides and show the true potential of democracy, but the current partisan nature of our political climate makes my dream look more pie in the sky than possible.

No current issue illustrates this toxic partisan climate than the spending decisions now being debated on Capitol Hill. Speaker of the House of Representatives and West Chester, Ohio resident John Boehner broke out the 'default' rhetoric yesterday by tying an increase in the debt ceiling to spending cuts and no increase in taxes. It's just another example of Washington looking at reality through Salvador Dali's lens. And before I get accused of targeting Republicans, let me make one thing clear: It's all politicians in Washington (and the $3.5 billion per year in lobbyist perks they rake in) who are to blame. We the people currently have a $15.7 trillion debt and will spend $1.2 trillion more this year than we will collect in tax revenue. Boehner says cut spending??? Our mandatory - required by law for those of you who didn't pay attention in government class - spending virtually equals our nation's tax revenue ($2.3 trillion revenue - $2.2 trillion mandatory spending). Our politicians would have to cut ALL discretionary spending in order to stop our debt from continuing to spiral toward Buzz Lightyear - to infinity and beyond!!! Discretionary spending includes the $665 billion in defense spending - more than the next 22 highest nations combined! Boehner also doesn't want to eliminate the George W. Bush tax cuts, which have lowered federal revenue by $4 trillion since they were instituted in 2001. The only politician who has put forth a plan to reign in spending is Miami University alumnus and Wisconsin Republican Representative Paul Ryan - Love & Honor to Miami, Forever and a Day!!! But his 'Roadmap for America's Future' couldn't even make it out of the committee he chaired. So back on the treadmill we go, chasing our budgetary tails while high minded Republicans and Democrats spend our country toward bankruptcy. It's sad when I have to look to Slick Willy Clinton - and his willy is allllwwwwaaaayyyysss slick!! - to find a President who worked with Congress (Republicans and Democrats) to pass sensible budgets and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity.

Rant over. On to rosier topics ....

The Reds pulled a victory out against the New York Mets last night. I had the over/under on Reds' runs at 1, so imagine my dismay when Joey Votto channeled Toby Whitewood in the 6th inning and allowed the Mets to score two unearned runs to take a 3-1 lead. Mike Leake-runs-at-an-alarming-rate (7.71 ERA heading into the game) pitched very well after taking five finger discounts advantage of the great shopping in New York city and deserved better than a no-decision. Smokin' Todd Frazier went downtown in the 7th and 9th innings, and the Reds' bullpen went Public Enemy Shut 'em Down style in the later innings. Aroldis 'He's Right Where We Need Him' Chapman was Bo Jackson on Techmo Bowl untouchable, and both Jose Arredondo and Sean Marshall imitated the Cuban Missle while making a couple Mets' hitters look foolish. The Dustrator said after the game there are no plans to move Chapman into the starting rotation ... something I discussed yesterday. As I pound away, the Reds are currently leading the Mets on a Vottomatic HR in today's matinee thriller at Citi Field.

Okay .. That's all folks.

P.S. Donna Summer did not survive. RIP

4192 (4256)

Social Studies teachers love four digit number combinations - 1066, 1492, 1776, 1941. To residents of a certain age in Cincinnati the digits 4192 are held in higher regard than Charlize Theron's phone number. For those of you out there wondering why I'm obsessing over a couple stupid numbers, you would have to understand the legend of the Big Red Machine and it's obnoxiously loud exhaust called Charlie Hustle. Charlie Hustle, AKA Peter Edward Rose AKA Pete Rose AKA Pete, was, and in some ways still is, the embodiment of all things we hold dear in Southwest Ohio. A gritty, hard-nosed, stubborn, talented, engaging, honest, dishonest, flawed bundle of energy underneath a baseball cap who was born and raised on the West Side of Cincinnati to become baseball's all-time hits leader. There may be Cincinnatians who have contributed more to the good of society (William Howard Taft, Dr. Albert Sabin, Carl Lindner Jr, Skyline Chili, Powell Crosley Jr and Geroge Clooney come to mind), but none have been more closely identified with Cincinnati than Pete Rose. Ask a random person in Kansas where P&G is headquartered and you'll get the stink-eye. Ask the same person where Pete Rose is from and you'll see the gleam of the flying C in their eye before they say, "Cincinnati." Pete is the subject of an ESPN (well really just a Bill Simmons/Grantland) "30 in 30" short film. Watch it here! On a sidenote, if you are a sports/TV/movie fan and you're not hitting up www.grantland.com on a daily basis you are living in the Pleistocene Era. Have fun with Barney!!! The Pete Rose short film inspired these questions on my upcoming Government Final Exam:
1. Why do people remember 4192 and not 4256?
2. Should Pete Rose be allowed back into baseball? Explain.
3. Should Pete Rose be a member of the Baseball Hall of Fame? Explain.

Below you will find the scoring guide. Please do not share with my students.

1. I'm not sure why people remember 4192 instead of 4256. I guess its for the same reason people remember George Clooney in "O Brother Where Art Thou" instead of in "Leatherheads". One was a big deal and other just kind of happened. Pete passing Ty Cobb's hit record was on TV more than the Kardashians (Kim & Kanye, Khloe & Lamar, Bruce Jenner). His last AB was in a mid-August game and then he just stopped putting himself in the line-up (Pete was the Reds player-manager at the time). No retirement ceremony or rocking chair for Charlie Hustle!! Pete popped champagne on three occassions - 1975, 1976, and 1980 (he also appeared in the 1970, 1972 & 1983 World Series), but the lasting image of Pete hugging Petey Jr. is seared in people's memory. So 4192 is the number.

2. Exhibit A for letting Pete back into baseball: He is 1239479629239% better at managing a baseball game than Dusty Custer. The prosecutions rests your Honor! (I tried something similar once on a test in college I knew nothing about. Got a B. Professor's notes said, "Answer incorrect, but I chuckled. Above average for creativity") Sure Pete bet on baseball, but he never bet on his own team (at least to lose .. this is unclear in the Dowd Report). Pete cared about winning the way you care about breathing ... stop and your dead. Watch the Grantland short and tell me he still doesn't burn inside to win ... yeah ... you can't. So guys who really cheated the game through steriod use, guys who beat their girlfriends & wives, guys who for years popped pills to improve their focus and play better, guys who abused drugs and/or alcohol can all play or manage Major League baseball. But Charlie Hustle can't .. because he bet on baseball. See Exhibit A ladies and gentlemen of the jury and you decide.

3. Duh!!!! Yes!!!! He is the All-Time Hits Leader!!!! Name another Hall of Fame in a major sport that has excluded a player or manager/coach who was the best in its history. Waiting ... still waiting ... you can't!! Not only was he a great player, he played on the greatest team of all-time (All Yankee fans can STFU. Bring back Murderer's Row and see what happens to them against the Big Red Machine. T.I. and his boys once tried to talk trash to some Cincinnati boys ... go ask Cliff how that worked out. The Yankees would get a similar beatdown. Fuhgeddaboudit!!!). He played in six World Series in fourteen seasons. If you need more convincing, go look at a list of the crimes players already in the Hall have been accused or convicted of doing. There are rapists, alleged murderers, alcoholics, racists, drug users and spousal abusers enshrined in Cooperstown, but a gambler might pass leprosy to the bronze plaques. Pete belongs in the Hall the way peanut butter belongs in the middle of a Reece's cup (back to food .. I know .. it's that time of the afternoon!). Even if he doesn't get admitted back into baseball, to keep him out of the Hall is beyond a punishment. It's vindictive.

On to Pete's favorite topic, the Reds lost last night 6-2 in Atlanta. Johnny Cueto got hit like Rihanna (sorry .. low blow) for the first time this season, and the Reds swingers continued to create little eddies around home plate. Except for Free Chris Heisey, who went 3-4 at the dish. Now that Dusty has FCH going, is he going to continue to play him? Or will Dusty give FCH the dreaded "needs to rest to be fresh" treatment? Inquiring minds want to know!!! Vottomatic came up to base once with runners on base and he singled. The problem was the other four ABs when the bases were empty. Only Chernobyl is avoided more often than Votto when the bases are clear. Peter Edward Rose says Ryan Hanigan - with his .311 BA (compared to Zach Cozart at .246 and Drew Stubbs at .235) - should bat in front of Votto and provide some incentive for teams to pitch to Vottomatic. Peter Edward Rose says the Reds batting order should go something like this: Phillips, Hanigan, Votto, Bruce, Heisey, Stubbs, Frazier, Cozart. His Dustiness would never bat a catcher second!!! Dusty Custer is a baseball man and baseball men know catchers only bat in the seven or eight spot in the order. No questions ... his Dustiness knows and you do not. Well Peter Edward Rose knows baseball the way I know fake bo ... oh sorry. PG-13. Right. Anyway ........ the Reds travel to New York to play the Metropolitans in another two game set. Mike Leake makes an important start tonight against Johan Santana (1-2, 2.92 ERA ... Reds over under for runs is 1). Well it's not really that important because there is no one else the Reds can turn to for a replacement starter! And do not say Aroldis Chapman .... Dusty has already told all of us multiple times how valuable Chapman is in the 8th inning. The only options down in Louisville at this point in the season are Jeff Francis (2-4, 4.17), Brett "the Hit Man" Tomko (0-4, 3.55) and Chad Reineke (1-2, 3.96). Those three guys inspire as much confidence starting a game as LeBron does trying to finish one .. he's no MJ!

Uncle? Okay ... I'm out!

Gotta get him going ... We're gonna need him!!

Name the author of our famous lead-off quote and win fabulous prizes ....

I love Tuesdays because I get to talk Mad Men, and I love me some Mad Men. But first let's talk about my dinner last night: a Chipotle Burrito and a Schmidt's Creme Puff. Inauthentic Mexican food to authentic German dessert is a better winning combination than Jordan and Pippen. It leads to a much greater (not Graeter's ... okay now I'm drooling ... give me a mint to chew on) question: Why do I eat so much food? Yesterday's buffet: Cheerios, banana, cup of strawberries, turkey sandwich, Doritos, sharing size peanut M&Ms, Granny Smith apple, and the aforementioned burrito/creme puff combo for dinner. I also drank 128 ozs or so of water. How many calories are in my First World day? Today will be very similar up to dinner, then I'm thinking some type of pasta (with Schiavone's marinara sauce with basil) and grilled chicken. I am determined to tighten up my cage (basically from my nips to my hips ... too jiggly for me) but the sight of food turns me into Alex the lion from Madagascar. My hair stands up (on my neck people!!! I don't have any hair on my head ... duh!) and I can feel a storm surge of saliva welling up under my tongue. I just like food, okay?!?! Short of going through medical hypnosis, my only answer to gorging everyday is to work out. Or buy Ageless Male .. you've seen the commercials! So what do I do to tighten up the cage? Anyone ... anyone ... Bueller ...

Enough about my waistline! It's Mad Men time! I've waited long enough! Because I am a benevolent blogger, I wait a day to share my thoughts on Mad Men to accommodate my DVR addicted friends. (Sidenote: See the teacher in me coming out? Accommodating everyone to help them reach their goals! I need an award!) This episode was named "Dark Shadows", but "Green Monsters" would have been more apropos. You know green monsters ... those little bolts of jealousy that irrationally shoot through your mind when triggered by minor static in your life. Well there was a lot of static in Manhattan (along with toxic smog - an actual event which killed around 400 New Yorkers on Nov 24, 1966. The origin of the smog is still unknown.) beginning with Don seeing all the ad boards credited to Michael Ginsberg. Bert Cooper may have given Don a wake up call a few weeks ago, but it took Ginsberg's sparks of creativity to start the fire in Don's belly. Don is SCDP's creative genius, at least according to the promotional literature. Don stopped being creative when he no longer needed to get into female undergarments without his wife's approval (necessity is the mother of all invention!!). It's 1966 and he's 40 years old. He's not hip!! Ginsberg is more hip (hipper?) than Andy Warhol. Don senses the challenge to his pride from this young lion, but his well is dry. His snowball's chance in hell ad campaign (featuring fire & the Devil!) is good, but Ginsberg's snowball to the face campaign is better. How does Don cope? He leaves Ginsberg's board behind in the cab ... green monster slain! He dismisses Ginsberg with the "I don't even think about you" jab, but the tide has turned and even Roger sees it. Roger has really taken Marie Calvet's "you should get everything you want" advice to heart (well .. actually he took her advice to the head but that's neither here nor there). He wants to bring in the Manischewitz account without Pete knowing and he enlists Ginsberg to help .. secretly of course. When his soon to be ex-trophy smoking hot gold digger wife Jane flirts a little to obviously with his soon to be client's son, his green monster (I hope it's not really green - there's no shot for that!!) wants her. What does Roger really want? To be able to say he had it first. Primacy at it's best. Betty Draper-Francis makes her first extended appearance of the season, and one fact we learned is not even the best fat-suit can keep the green monster caged!! Betty's curiosity kills the cat when she sees Megan Draper mostly undraped through the bedroom window drapes. Megan was wearing an ab-suit instead of a fat-suit, and the green monster rattled Betty's chains. Don's brief love note to Megan (Dear lovely Megan, I'm going to get a lightbulb. When I get back I will see you better. Love Don) unleashed the green beast in Betty's belly and no amount of Redi-whip was going to reign her back. Betty dropped a Dick Whitman bomb on unsuspecting Sally Draper's family tree, which some people believe was the source of the mysterious smog in NYC on that fateful November day. Luckily Megan saved Don twice - once from raging at Betty through the phone and again when the smog finally hit New York. Unfortunately BethRory Gilmore-Dawes (that is her name!!!) only made it into New York via Pete Campbell's imagination. Just the thought (and what a thought it was .. thanks Pete!!) of BethRory in fur invading Pete's office was enough to get Pete's green monster to lash out against Howard Dawes and his city mistress. Howard laughed off Pete's threat of sleeping with his wife, clearly underestimating what has become an All-Star Extramarital season for Pete. Only four episodes left in this season ... dammit Matthew Weiner!!! Make an extended season one time!!! I need my fix!!!

In other news, the Reds scratched out a 3-1 win over the Atlanta Braves last night to move within a game and a half of the Cardinals. Homer Bailey demonstrated why he is as hard to crack as the Enigma machine (history lesson: Enigma machine was a coding device designed by Germany during WWII. Virtually unbreakable until Allied forces captured several machines and their coding manuals intact. Watch U-571 starring Matty McConaughey for more information.) Last outing he can't get out of the fourth inning (official line: 3 2/3 innings, 6 runs, 6 hits, 3 BBs, 4 Ks) and last night he was throwing 96 mph in the seventh inning (official line: 6 2/3 innings, 1 run, 6 hits, 2 BBs, 3 Ks). His ERA yo-yo's more than Ma. Will the real Homer Bailey please stand up ... please stand up??? The Reds got some clutch hitting when Good Homer left the game. First Dat Dude drove in Joey Votto, then Free Chris Heisey smashed a roller (it literally rolled 200 feet!) to the wall to score Dat Dude. Free Chris was 3/3 with an RBI last night, which means he won't play again for three days. Dusty Custer is just trying to match his swing up with the correct pitchers, and the Reds gotta get Ludwick going. They're going to need him .. quoth the Dustrator. Johnny Cueto throws tonight against Atlanta's Tim Hudson. Should be another titanic struggle .. quoth Marty.

I'm out!!! Open gym time before a big racquetball match. I'm the underdog ... gotta get my game going!!!

Vottomatic Edition

With apologies to Roy Hobbs, there are only three players I would pay my own money to go watch play baseball. Josh Hamilton, Matt Kemp and Joey Votto are the list and it's a country mile to the next player. Luckily for Hamilton and Kemp, there are other professional hitters on their teams so they get pitches to hit in each at-bat. Votto sees hittable pitches at the same rate of solar eclipses because the other Reds' swingers (Get your mind out the gutter!!! If you swing and miss, you are a swinger. To be a hitter you have to make contact with the ball occasionally ... okay that didn't sound right either.) hit as often as my lottery numbers. Votto has 31 walks in 33 games after leading the league in walks last season with 110. I'm not sure why the Nationals chose to pitch to Votto yesterday because he was about ten feet from a five HR game (the 3 he hit, plus a rope off the RF wall and a fly-out mid-warning track). If I was managing against the Reds, Votto would have four walks a night. Yesterday he tied the Nationals by himself, 6-6. The Reds are going to continue to have difficulty scoring runs as long as Dat Dude hits fourth ... no offense BP but watching you try to yank every pitch you see is nails-on-the-chalkboard annoying already. As long as Dusty Custer refuses to hit Jay Bruce behind Votto because they are both lefties (I detailed the L/R splits for both players here .. Dusty please look!!!), Votto will have the most intentional unintentional walks in Major League history (all of Barry Bonds records are denoted by a syringe in my record book and considered unofficial). I also refuse to drink the "it's early" or "they're going to heat up" Kool-Aid. The Reds are what they are ... a .500 team with an All-World 1B, a Gold Glove 2B, a roller-coaster RF and some wooden baton twirlers. There is no help in Louisville ... I mean we just called up George eerrrr Mike Costanza. Cosmo Kramer can't be far behind!!

All of which leads to ......

Scott Rolen was placed on the 15 DL yesterday with shoulder soreness. Captain Smith hasn't ordered the lifeboats down yet, but he also hit an iceberg. Rolen being out for an extended (or permanent) time period will be the Reds' Titanic moment. Walt and Dusty banked on Rolen playing 100 or more games this season, hitting .275 with 25 HRs and 85 RBIs. He would protect Votto in the lineup, be the inspirational/gritty leader and play his usual Gold Glove 3B. Sounded unsinkable on paper, but 37 year old's recovering from surgery don't often experience smooth sailing. Smokin' Todd Frazier will get the opportunity, Miggy Cairo will see some actions and when Costanzo comes out from under his desk he may even get some burn at the hot corner. None of them resemble Scott Rolen. Tough to see the Reds scoring many runs if they can't get Scott Rolen numbers at 3B. Failure to plan is planning to fail ... and in this instance it looks like the failure of Walt to have a Plan B is threatening to sink the season early.


Across the pond in jolly old England there is a huge party wrapping up in Manchester. Manchester City and Manchester United were tied atop the table, so one side of the city would be celebrating regardless.  Man City won the title in the most improbable of ways, scoring twice in injury time to defeat Queens Park Rangers 3-2 and clinch their first Premier League title in 44 years. For those of you not familiar with English soccer, on the last day of the season every game starts at the same time to discourage teams from throwing games to damage a rivals league standing. However the advent of instantaneous communication has nullified the mystery of results in other cities. With QPR holding a 2-1 advantage over Man City in the 91st minute, word reached the bench of Bolton's loss insuring QPR would avoid relegation. The QPR bench was jubilant .. where's the champagne??? But there were still four minutes of injury time to be played against Man City!!!! QPR's players folded like a cheap suit (Where did that cliche come from BTW?? Answer and win fabulous prizes!) with the guarantee of top flight football insured, and Man City took advantage of the suddenly lethargic QPR defense to score twice in three minutes and win the Premier League. The biggest losers were not QPR - Djibril Cisse (a QPR player) was running around congratulating the City players!!!!! Manchester United thought they had the won the title after their victory at Sunderland and were celebrating with their fans only to be ushered off the field faster than Kanye West at the Grammy's when news of City's victory was relayed to the crowd. Great ending to a great season, if only Arsenal ...


Wait .. Arsenal!!! Arsenal beat West Brom 3-2 courtesy of the Baggies flopping keeper Martin Fulop from Hungary. He gifted Arsenal two goals, and should have stopped the third. But then again Hungarians haven't really be known for their accomplishments since Attila so the result should be no surprise. The victory puts Arsenal into the Champions League for the 17th consecutive season and makes the result of next Saturday's Champions League final between Chelsea and Bayern Munich irrelevant to the Gunners. The offseason should be interesting because Arsenal has some definite holes which prevent them from challenging for titles. The club doesn't have $1.5 billion to spend buying mercenaries prima donnas nut jobs players like Man City. So it will be up to Arsene Wenger to identify two or three key acquisitions while playing Weight Watchers with the fat on the roster. Almunia, Mannone, Squillaci, Arshavin, Vela, Denilson and Bendtner should all be trimmed to create some spending cash for AW. Keeping RVP will be priority #1, but strengthening the defense and midfield are #1A and #1B.

Times up ... I've enjoyed it.  See you tomorrow!!!!

The Government geek in me ...

From President Obama's remark of support for same-sex marriage to presumptive Republican candidate Mitt Romney's alleged bullying of a gay classmate, it's fair to say campaign season is in full swing. If you are like me, you look forward to campaign season the way an 18 point buck looks forward to first day of deer hunting season. In American we are more jaded than Buddha when it comes to politics and our political system. But for a politically oriented person like myself, reading about a country going through democracy for the first time is as refreshing as a Swedish massage. Egypt had their first televised presidential debate yesterday. Let that sink in for a minute ..... a TV event so ubiquitous in the U.S. happened for the first time ever in Egypt in 2012. It took a moment for me to wrap my mind around the thought of people being excited to watch a televised presidential debate instead of frantically looking for the remote and a basic cable channel showing "Storage Wars". A country with a political history stretching back thousands of years is, for the first time ever, going to be able to freely choose its leader. Just imagining the excitement in the Egyptians' minds puts me in full Mastiff slobber mode. A lot of the credit for democracy blooming in the land of the pyramids has to go to George W. Bush. As unpopular as some of his policies were at the time, with respect to the Middle East they paid off in the form of several new democracies toppling authoritarian regimes. Even though W's justification for invading Iraq was as flimsy as balsa wood, demonstrating the possibility of democracy in Iraq emboldened other Arabs to unleash the power of the people. Will these new Arab democracies survive? No one knows, but for a little while they existed and people power is more difficult to bottle back up than a genie (For the record, I prefer my genies to look like Barbara Eden over ballon-sized Robin Williams). For a government geek, it doesn't get much better!

Poor taste moment of the week: This week is Teacher Appreciation week. I am a teacher, appreciate me!! Now!! That's not the poor taste moment of the week. That distinction goes to my district. We were notified by email at 8:30 p.m. on Wednesday that after much discussion, all teaching staff would receive a 0% raise. Today our superintendent sends out an email thanking us for all our hard work toward improving the lives of our students and families. Patronizing? You be the judge. Poor taste? Uh-huh.

The NBA play-offs have seen some pretty gruesome injuries in the first round. D-Rose's ACL blow-out was the most significant for his team, but the exploded knee Baron Davis endured was Saw II gory. Davis tore his ACL, MCL and part of his patella tendon. The close-ups on TV made me grab my knee even though I was lounging comfortably in my favorite chair. I can remember a few other time the scenes on TV caused a spasmotic reaction due to an injury hundreds of miles away: Joe Theismann's broken leg, Tim Krumrie's broken leg, Dave Dravecky's broken arm. Any I left of the list? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

 The Reds were off yesterday. Bryce Harper makes his first appearance at GABP. The kid is the real deal, which means he'll play for the Nationals until the Yankees, Red Sox, Rangers or Angels figure out a way to pay him. The Nationals have whispered their way to a solid ballclub. Their starting pitchers (Stephen Strasburg, Gio Gonzalez, Edwin Jackson, Jordan Zimmerman and Russ Detwiler) all have ERA's under 3.49. Injuries have hampered their offense, but when healthy the aforementioned Harper, Adam LaRoche, Jayson Werth and Ryan Zimmerman give them four pretty solid hitters. Don't be surprised to see the Nationals hang around the playoff race all season and contend for the NL East crown if the Phillies slip up. Free Agent - Firework Friday at the ball park tonight ... and maybe after for some lucky devils!!!

The Barclay's Premier League wraps up Sunday. Arsenal travels to West Brom, whose manager Roy Hogdson was just named the English national team coach. The Gunners have struggled like the economy the past few seasons against the Baggies and need three points to guarantee a Champions League spot (and the $20million that comes with it!!) next season. I wish I could make a positive prediction on the game instead of sweating bullets for a couple hours on the Sabbath. I'm going to hope for the best and cross everything I can on my body.

That's all folks!!! Enjoy the freaking weekend!!!

Get your popcorn ready!!!! It's the TO show!!!!

I'm not sure which sight was the most pathetic to see. TO (do I really need to type out Terrell Owens?), Dr. Phil, or the three baby mommas who appeared together on a show as compelling as watching panhandlers work a Reds post-game crowd. Dr. Phil peddles his psuedo-psychoanalysis to a crowd similar in size to a Milli Vanilli concert. Three gold diggers baby mommas sit across from TO, eyes panning his sweat and tears for tiny golden nuggets and wondering when he will drop in on his kids again (over a year between visitations for each kid). TO tries to appear sympathetic but instead comes off as John Edwards (Cheating on your dying wife? She's dying ... keep it in your pants for a couple months!!). TO plays the MC Hammer card, $80million blown. On what? He doesn't know. Monthly child support payments of $50000 have pushed TO back into the game as a WR for the Allen Wranglers - ever heard of them? Me either, but TO had a TD catch in their last Indoor Football League game. TO says he's going to be back in the League - National Football variety - this season. He's 38 and does more damage to team chemistry than the Enola Gay did to Hiroshima. But he needs another huge paycheck and any ancillary income he can grab through another 'Chad & TO Show' ... is he worth the risk??? I know he's desperate (quick .. name the last big celebrity to visit the Dr. Phil show, win great prizes!), but that alone won't get him open on Sunday afternoons. TO's memory is playing tricks on him like so many superstars before him and the reality facing TO is as scary as the Grim Reaper's scythe. Too often the great ones don't see decline coming, believing even at 85% of their greatness they are still better than the grinders at 100%. This psychosis ignores the reality of the real difference between the great one and the ones at the elite level ... which is about 3-5%. So get your popcorn ready .. and a comfy couch Terrell ... the NFL is back in September!!

The revolving closet door opened yesterday to reveal President Obama in support of same-sex marriage. It was quite a change from the 2008 version of Barack Obama, who declared his support for marriage between a man and a woman then. I'm not as critical of his ideological change in orientation as I am of his panhandling for votes. Other Government teachers must be as boring as Ben Stein .. Bueller .. Bueller .. because so many people do not know or understand the Constitution .. including apparently Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. The federal government has no power over marriage laws in the United States unless the Constitution is amended. The power to set and regulate marriage laws rests with the states. Including same-sex marriage as a plank in your election campaign is poorly designed vote grab. I also got blasted by someone yesterday for advocating the separation of church and state with respect to the laws. They accused me of trying to remove God from the United States (which means I have illiterate loyal readers .. an oxymoron but reality .. did I take one of Roger Sterling's LSD cubes yesterday unknowingly??? Why is my desk tie-dyed??) I will re-cap my thoughts at a lower reading level for those of you who have just progressed from Stellaluna and Is Your Mama a Llama to more difficult texts. I said the Constitution sets up laws to protect life, liberty and property. I said religion and religious teachings do not belong in our laws. My view is in line with the men typically called our Founding Fathers. I never said religion does not belong in the United States. I love God, appreciate the grace of Jesus and welcome the Holy Spirit into my presence .. however denying someone else the right to choose their lifestyle in any fashion they choose goes beyond the bounds of the Constitution. Do all my Catholic friends insist I go to confession? Do my Jewish friends force me to cook only kosher foods? Do my Islamic friends require me to pray in the direction of Mecca? No! And neither should the U.S. or any state government require me to do any of these things. Denying same-sex couples the right to marry based on religious belief is exactly the same as the situations I described above. Laws are designed to protect life, liberty and property. Laws for any other purpose are outside the bounds of the Constitution. Here endeth the lesson.

I'm glad the Reds game wasn't on TV yesterday afternoon because Ben Stein put fewer people to sleep than the first eight innings of the game. 0-0 after eight innings of baseball may entertain a few purists, but I enjoy a couple runs to liven up the action from time to time. It wasn't so much a pitching duel as a pitch and catch, with only seven hits combined in those first eight innings. The Big Bad Wolf didn't produce as much wind as both teams' batters swinging around pitches. The Big Bad Reds put together a two-run rally in the top of the ninth off Brewers' closer John Axrod through Drew Stubbs, Joey Vottomatic and Dat Dude BP, and despite some drama in the bottom of the ninth (Roid Braun hit a lead-off HR, Reds closer Sean Marshall got yanked, the Big O - baseball variety - came in to end the game) the Reds got the win. The Washington Nationals come to 'Nati on Friday for a three game set, and the Reds will try to build on their 16-14 record. Leake (who desperately needs a good outing and a win), Latos and Arroyo will pitch for the Reds, who are 3.5 games back of the division leading Louie Cardinals.

My older son has a baseball game tonight ... still hunting victory number 1 on the season. A great friend and former player was just hired as the AD at Xenia. Lot of good things going on!!!

Enough. Talk tomorrow.