I'm angling for Jon Stewart's job!

I know ... I've missed a couple days ... But don't worry I'm not going to be sending you that late text. My brain has more thoughts than Oz has flying monkeys and they need to get out!!! Originally I was going to copy an @sportsguy33 trick tonight and live diary tonight's NBA Finals game. Then I slapped myself upside my head and said, "The Great One doesn't copy anyone!!" The thought seeds have been planting in my fertile brain and grown under the beautiful Ohio sun. I've cut them, dried them and toasted them since my last blog so I'm really feeling it tonight. With no further ado, it's late night with the KerrDawg!!!

Hey .. I just saw the trailer .. and this is crazy .. but it's coming out soon .. so go see Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter maybe. Man, is Hollywood out of ideas or what??? Why not George Washington, Vampire Hunter??? Because he had wooden teeth??? What about Old Hickory Andrew Jackson as the vampire hunter??? At least Andy was known to duel his enemies, and if his stories are to be believed some of those enemies perished. I'm digressing but the thought entered my brain after listening to Rob Portman - Terrace Parkian and potential Veep with Mitt Roboto - talk about the ghosts of the Golden Lamb. Portman's family has owned the Golden Lamb since 1926 (Ever wonder why George W stopped by in 2004 & Sarah Palin brough her naughy librarian act in 2008? Duh!! He was tight with W and held several jobs in his administration. It wasn't because Lebanon is so scenic - sorry Lebanites!), so if anyone would be qualified to discuss the happenings on the fourth floor or the portly gentlemen wandering the halls of the oldest inn west of the Appalachian Mountains it's Rob Portman. If I'm Mitt Roboto, Rob Portman is a shoo in as Veep. Why?? Well for one, the White House is considered one of the most haunted places in the United States!!  And guess who the most common apparition appearing in the White House is?? Ding ding ding ding .... Abraham Lincoln!! Winner, winner chicken dinner!! Maybe those Hollywood guys aren't so far off. If Lincoln, when locked in a mortal battle with the fanged undead, had been turned by the evil beast into a vampire himself it would go a long way to explaining all the sightings of Lincoln in the White House. The list of famous politicians and Presidents who have claimed to see Honest Abe is long and distiguished, including Teddy Roosevelt, Winston Churchill, JFK and the Obamas. Maybe Abe isn't the hunter, he's the hunted!! It would also explain why he looks so weird and has patchy hair all over his head and face. That or Marfan's syndrome.

(I should note here that I am not a believer in vampires or zombies or ghosts. I do believe in pennies from Heaven however and know that my grandfathers leave pennies around for me all the time.)

The Reds are currently trying to lose their second game in a row after ripping off six W's in a row (no, not former Texas Rangers owner George W ... Wins!). I'm sure you'll call me a pessimist, but it's the most frustrating good Reds team I can remember ... and I'm old enough to remember a lot of Reds teams. Tonight they got really good pitching from Mike Leake, but gave away at-bat after at-bat (1-10 in RISP, but props to Mesoraco for battling futilely in the 8th) and are facing an Indians rally in the bottom of the 9th. But my biggest issue continues to be the Dustrating Dustrator, His Dustiness, Dusty Custer. Maybe if His Dustiness would explain his thought process so the media instead of bristling at anyone who dares question his impeccable judgment (I just threw up in my mouth a little!). Using Smokin' Todd Frazier as my case study, I want somebody (anyone ... Bueller .. Baker .. Baker) to explain the Dustrator's thought process toward playing the man. Smokin' Todd has as good a spring as any player on the squad .... and then was sent down to keep Willie Horton (Harris .. I know .. but he's been stealing money from the club all year!!!). The Scott Rolen breaks down and the Reds go 21-21 in games Smokin' Todd starts. Smokin' Todd hits 7 HRs and drives in 22 runs while Rolen rehabbed a shoulder only to see Rolen reclaim the hot corner **** update - extra innings **** as soon as he was reinstated from the DL. Rolen is batting .188!!! Wally Pipp was hitting .230 when a guy named Lou Gehrig replaced him for the next 2,130 consecutive (that's right Dusty and Dustpologists ... a played didn't need a break for 2,130 games!!) Now is Smokin' Todd Frazier a Lou Gehrig??? *** update - nice bunt Cozart! Not! 1-11 with RISP *** No, but 21-12 speaks for itself. The Reds with Rolen starting at 3rd? 9-14. I know .. I'm a dumb, bald, fat, social studies teacher and high school basketball coach ... what do I know??? Winning ... that's what I know. Learned it from Charlie Sheen (A huuuuuggggggeeeeee Reds fan btw). I love Scott Rolen of 2010 the way I loved my waistline in 2010. Neither are as good in 2012. Fact!

The Thunder lead the Heat 49-46 at halftime of game four. This series is over by the way .... Heat in 6 (maybe 5 if James Harden doesn't find his game underneath his nappy beard!) *** update - first & third for Reds in 10th with 2 outs. Votto just beat out an infield single. now 2-12 with RISP but Heisey didn't score. *** I can't even really watch the NBA Finals and it's not because I am *** update - Heisey scores on wild pitch, Votto to 2nd *** a LeHater. I actually hope he wins a ring because LeBron is by far the best all-around basketball player on the planet right now. It's Dwhiny Wade who gets my goat. He a phenomenal basketball player in his own right and he may have a more commanding personality than LeBron, but his skills are far below King James. The only thing Dwhiny has over James is a ring (where he piggybacked on Shaq in the last unstoppable years). *** update - The Cuban Missile has launched from the bullpen. Will he strike his target or implode mid-air? Stay tuned! *** Additionally the Heat get more calls than Heidi Fleiss during Oscars week. Perfect example just happened - Dwhiny was blocked clean but a foul was called. Perkins get hammered from behind and it's no foul. It's like the Clark Cougars v. the Badin Rams. Badin never fouls ... yeah right. Not to mention the end of game two foul against LeBron on Kevin Durant which wasn't called. Tim Donaghy just nods as he watches these games. I wish he blogged!!!

*** update - The Missile is having trouble targeting the strike zone. Runner on 1st with 1 out. ***

I'm out till tomorrow. Jethro arrives on a jetplane tomorrow. The blog fodder continues to germinate!!

Three cheers for Voyager!! We aren't in Mt. Healthy so it's all good!!

The weather has been so refreshing the last two days and it's pretty much spring's last gasp. The summer solstice is a week away which means the dark specter of humidity's blanket is looming. Of course I really don't mind heat or humidity with my follicle challenged head effectively cooling my body and a pool at my daily disposal. What's that? Noooooo ... I'm not rubbing it in ... I'm way to nice to point out my abundance of summer leisure time. Plus I have to be concerned about burning my bald dome .... those of you who have sizzled your scalp know what I'm talking about!

The Voyager I spacecraft, launched in 1977, is at the very reaches of our solar system and soon will become the first man-made object to exit the heliosphere. Voyager is another part of my childhood which is receding faster than my hairline (at least I think I still have a hairline somewhere up there!). I can remember the first pictures Voyager I sent back from Jupiter and later Saturn when I was in grade school and believed the dawn of Star Trek style ships would definitely occur by the year 2000. When you're seven years anything seems possible, even James T. Kirk! Voyager I will continue sailing through the cold reaches of space indefinitely, sending radio signals which must travel for sixteen or more hours to reach Earth until it's nuclear power supply runs out in around 2025. Maybe something will intercept the deep space probe and listen to the golden record playing inside, but probably it will be 1,500 lbs of space junk to be found in thousands of years by humans who will look at Voyager the way we look at the ruins from Pompeii. Well ... except for the radioactive part. Hopefully they won't look or touch that part.

The Reds just completed a sweep of the Indians today with a 12-5 victory. No .. it's not a misprint .. the Reds scored 12 runs today for the second time this season. The game itself was unremarkable except for the 34,000 fans who showed up on a perfect late spring day in Cincinnati. Oh yeah ... Joey Vottomatic hit another bomb along with Dat Dude and Ryan Ludwick. Nothing new to see here people ... move along ... Vottomatic hits. The most interesting Reds news today was the Derek Lowe - Dusty Custer feud which flared up last night. Lowe issued the first blast, a NWA-worthy profanity laced tirade directed at Dusty. Dusty, connoisseur of fine wine and cool jazz, showed he can be just as prickly as his ever-present toothpicks in firing right back at Lowe. To hear his Dustiness say it, Derek Lowe might as well be Otis Campbell. Lowe did play in Boston - home of mid-game clubhouse suds - so the Dustrator could be more correct than we know. Either way, Lowe's next start will be against the Reds early next week in Cleveland. I know Nuke LaLoosh beaned a mascot once, but I wonder if any of Lowe's pitches mysteriously get away into the Reds dugout. I like to see old man fights!!! Plus Johnny B. Cueto can deliver a mean roundhouse .... Advantage Redlegs!!!

The Mt. Healthy school district finally made it to national TV, but I doubt they're cheering the publicity they received last night on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Jimmy - close friend of my idol Howard Stern - interviewed Anthony Cornist and his mother last night about Mt. Healthy's decision to withhold Anthony's diploma because his family cheered at his graduation. It seems Mt. Healthy High School has a 'rule' prohibiting loud or excessive cheering after a graduates name is called and encouraging the parents/family/friends in attendance to hold their hootin' and hollarin' till all the graduates names have been read. Well Anthony's family didn't really get the memo, or choose to ignore it, and Mt. Healthy decided Anthony wouldn't get his diploma until he or his family completed twenty hours of community service. I would make fun of this situation myself, but I'm not as funny as Jimmy Kimmel sooooooo here's Jimmy!!! (note: I'm not citing these quotes. Jimmy said them, not me. That's my disclaimer. I know I'd get kicked out of Clark Montessori for plagiarism but oh well .. I'm a rule breaker like Anthony!!)
- “They’re saying you’ve got to complete 20 hours of community service, as if this was felony cheering or misdemeanor cheering or something.”
- “They called it excessive cheering. For a football player. Don’t schools usually encourage the female students to put on skirts and wave pom-poms and cheer excessively for football players? What could be more excessive that that? It seems very unfair to me that they would hold the diploma back just because the student is popular.”
- “I hope you get the diploma. Don’t do the community – Don’t ever serve the community. The community does nothing for any of us! That’s why Costco sells those huge bales of toilet paper – for people like Lori Handler (Mt. Healthy Superintendent)!”
- “If Lori Handler had her way, Tinkerbell would be dead!”

That's all I got for today. The Cougars are scrimmaging the Taft Senators in an hour and I gotta beat the traffic. Enjoy!

That's a clown question bro!

The only alligators I like to touch are on boots, so you'll never catch me trying to feed one. It's too bad I didn't have the opportunity to give Wallace Weatherholt the same advice before a hungry gator in the Everglades turned Wallace into Chubbs Peterson. The good news is Chubbs's hand looked very realistic in 1996 so they should be able to work wonders for Wallace in 2012. There has been a lot of people eating going on near Miami recently, but it's nothing like human feast you'll see if the Heat don't figure out a way to beat the Thunder. The piranhas are circling already, but the sharks will out soon and they'll take off way more than just a hand. LeBron's hairline won't be the only thing missing then!

Henry Hill passed away yesterday in Los Angeles, apparently from natural causes. I say apparently because Henry Hill is famously the mobster the film "Goodfellas" is based on. After a life in crime only a screenwriter could love, Henry entered the witness protection progam and became a rat for the FBI. Henry couldn't stay straight though, and crime serenaded him like the Siren's song of the soft serve machine at Golden Corral seduces fat guys. The FBI finally had enough of his continued criminal ways and gave Henry the witness protection boot. Henry started calling the Howard Stern Show on a regular basis and peddled spaghetti sauce, but it was the film "Goodfellas" which brought him fame (and appearance money!) in his later years. I know Tom Hagen has visited L.A. before (horse's head anyone?), but I'm not sure if he called on Henry recently. Either way I'm calling for a complete investigation for a death attributed to his heart giving out. RIP Henry Hill.

Apparently Bryce Harper (19 year old baseball phenom who plays for the Washington Nationals) was asked if it was wise to pitch to Joey Vottomatic in any situation. Displaying wisdom far beyond his years (and many Major League managers), Harper replied, 'That's a clown question bro!" The young kid couldn't be any more correct!!! Queasy and requiring pre-game IVs, Vottomatic put in a MJ "Flu Game" performance by going 2-4 with a HR, a walk, a run scored and 3 RBIs in the Reds 7-1 victory over the Indians last night. Johnny B Cueto was good last night in a complete game victory to run his record to 7-3. Those two performances are exciting enough, but most impressive to me was the sense of urgency the Reds displayed in getting the win. Sense of urgency is a tough concept to define to a casual sports fan, but it's easy to see with the trained eye. An example from last nights game which was simple but had not been seen in a while was Jay Bruce's sacrifice fly to score Chris Heisey in the 5th inning. When was the last time Reds country saw a sac fly?? Later in the game Ludwick digs hard to go first to third on Hanigan's single and forced an error/overthrow to score as the ball went into the camera box. If Dusty could get the batting order figured out then maybe the Reds offensive impotency would evaporate quicker than ED with Viagra. The biggest change would be getting Dat Dude out of the cleanup spot. Bruuuuuce is the most obviously choice to rake behind Vottomatic, with Dat Dude slotted into the two hole. Stubbs - when he's healthy - needs to be down in the six hole. So the order would look something like this: Cozart/Valdez, Dat Dude, Vottomatic, Bruce, Frazier, Heisey/Ludwick, Heisey/Stubbs, Hanigan/Mesoraco and whoever is pitching. Notice I didn't include Scott Rolen because Smokin' Todd Frazier is a better all-around player right now and I see no reason to move Frazier around the diamond to get his bat in the line-up. It happens ... have you seen Demi Moore lately?? Nothing wrong with her but definitely on the downward slope ... Ashton or not.

Euro2012 update: Portugal beat the Danes 3-2 in a thrilling match before the Dutch laid a stinking egg against the Ultimate Soccer Machine (that's Germany for those of you who aren't soccer savvy). The Dutch look as comfortable playing together as the Real Housewife's of Orange County on a  reunion show. Right now they are the most disappointing team in the tournament.

Okay ... gotta cut it short. Summer league games tonight against Fairfield and Mason for the Cougars. We'll talk tomorrow!

YOLT ... I like that much better!!

It's hard to get frustrated when you are off work for 10 weeks. Slightly agitated .. yes, but never frustrated. So I'm not up in arms about the twenty cent jump in gas prices from yesterday to today due to a mere meeting of OPEC tomorrow. Oil prices are down almost 25% since March, but don't expect pump prices to mirror that drop. (sidenote: I'm a Social Studies teacher, but I do know that 25% of almost $4 is $1. Pump prices are down anywhere from twenty to forty cents since March ... that's not 25%. Who's making the money from the difference??? Hmmmm .. go read some earlier blogs .. I'm going to my happy place!) The first Presidential candidate who figures out a way to get big oil companies to abandon their subsidies and build new refineries gets my vote. Ready, set, ... yeah right!

I've never been a watcher of soap operas (No! Downton Abbey is not a soap opera! It's Masterpiece Theater for Pete's sake!! It's culture!!) mainly because characters were always disappearing or dying only to reappear later. I watched Grey's Anatomy for several years until Izzy started having sex with a ghost then I was out (Man Card intact!!). All of which leads to al-Qaida's new tactic of releasing video of their upper leadership after the U.S. successfully completes drone attacks which scatter these same people into a million tiny fragments. Abu Yahya al-Libi (say that three times fast!) is the latest al-Qaida leader to appear posthumously (or possible humously I guess?? Latin is rusty!! Not Griswold ... oxidized in my brain .. whoa .. ADHD!) after the U.S. dropped a bomb on his head this weekend. It's very sad to see such a powerful terrorist organization reduced to using tired soap opera plots to keep its membership from dwindling even more ... NOT!!! Al-Qaida has been hunted onto the endangered species list and will hopefully be extinct soon. Rootin' tootin' George W warned al-Qaida many years ago about their fate and the terroists laughed. I wonder if Abu Yahya al-Libi was laughing as his head detonated? No .. probably not. Somewhere Lt. Col. Nathan Jessup is nodding his head ...

It's good to know the tans on the cast of Jersey Shore aren't the only thing faked in New Jersey (well ... plus all the fake boobs on the guido women). Yesterday a yacht explosion was reported off the coast of the Garden State (good movie!) which turned out to be an elaborate hoax. A caller reported the Blind Date to be in serious trouble, with several people dead or injured and the rest in lifeboats. The Coast Guard and local law enforcement scrambled to rescue the survivors but after searched almost 700 square miles of ocean found nothing: no debris, no lifeboats, no oil slicks. With many people quick to label the exploded yacht a hoax I decided to look deeper into the matter after the recent zombie attack in Miami. I can come to only one conclusion: global warming is pushing the Bermuda Triangle farther north. As the seas warm due to 'climate change', the ancient aliens who have up until recently inhabited the area beneath the Bermuda Triangle have been forced to migrate north and avoid overheated their cold-blooded respiratory systems. The Blind Date was in the wrong place and the wrong time in becoming the latest victim of the Bermuda Triangle. (Can you tell I've been watching too much 'History Channel' and 'Discovery Channel' since school got out?)

Mad Men wrapped up season five Sunday night with a typical Matty Weiner finale ... which means no loose ends were wrapped up. Several ends became dead (sorry Pete ... the Gilmore Girls aren't for you!!) while another end was familiar to Don (We know what Old Don would have done - and who wouldn't have! - but what will New Don do??? We get to wait eight months for the answer ... screw cliffhangers!!). Matty Weiner set an unrealistic standard for Mad Men season finales after season one's Carousel (filmed before Matty knew AMC was picking up the show for a second season) and has taken the continuation of character arcs to new lengths in subsequent finales. Even with all the craziness crammed into this episode, everything revolved around Don - from toothache to two pick-up girls - which more or less placed Don back at the beginning of his character arc: alone and unhappy. Even the ending song choice (You Only Live Twice) has so many double meanings for Don (Dick Whitman transformation, second marriage, second suicide responsibility, second partnership), but also for Roger (who I do not need to see imitating Vitruvian Man's rear shot!), Peggy (I do not need to see a basset hound and a beagle humping either!!), Pete (I do like seeing Beth Dawes!) and Joan (I always like seeing Joan!!). I digress ... Don has a toothache but won't see a dentist. Megan's friend asks her to get her into a shoe commercial (suggesting she'd sleep with Don if that would do the trick .. who needs the Brazilian twins from the ballgame!). Roger calls for Marie Calvet (Megan's mother who is visiting again) trying to get more than his head right on another LSD trip. Pete first meets Beth Dawes for a hotel sheet romp before stalking her to the mental institution her husband is sending her to which leads to Pete getting his ass kicked again, this time twice (once by Howard Dawes and once by the train conductor). The partners meet to discuss buying more office space after SCDP's best quarter ever, although they never really discuss if the name should be changed to SCD or SCDC or SCDCH (Campbell and Holloway are never going before Draper! And Pryce needs to be removed!). Megan asks Don to be in the shoe commercial, coc... sorry PG ... cutting her friend off at the pass and the casting couch. Don initially resists Megan's stoop to commercial actor, but relents and voila! Megan's got her first acting job! The scene I most enjoyed  showed the five partners silhouetted against the windows of their expanding office space (rear view ... Joan in red in the middle ... good job Matty!!). However the end scene is rife with dangers to Don's character arc after he is propositioned by Jade from the Hangover .. okay it wasn't Jade but Don did lose a tooth too and we know how Jade likes incisor challenged guys!! Will he or won't he .. that is the question. Don's clearly back to the melancholy life he shared with Betty so will his behavior revert back to the first incarnation of Don Draper. Oh well ... eight months isn't that long?? Damn you Matty Weiner.

Reds Report: Game starts in ten minutes against the Cleveland Indians. Battle of Ohio ... get pumped!! Yawn .. hope they play better than 2-4 in the last six.

Euro2012 Report: I saw Andrei Arshavin today playing for Russia. I puked a little in my mouth.

Back at it manana!!!

Slackin' ain't easy!!

Usually the beginning of summer vacation allows my schedule to open up and have time to do the things I enjoy ... like keeping this blog up to date! But since school ended I've been busier than a whorehouse on nickle night!!! I know all you who work year round are playing tiny violins and offering me some cheese with my whine. Look ... it's a rough life but somebody's got to do it!! I just took my first mid-day nap of the summer, so there are more ideas in my head than free porn on the internet. I'll try to parcel them out so I don't interrupt too much of your Fifty Shades of Grey reading time today.

I've got Euro2012 on as I'm building up the callouses on my fingertips. Through the first eight games, the tournament hasn't really lived up to its billing as many of the top teams have opened up playing very defensive football. England and France played today in a continuation of the battles these two nations started in 1066 at Hastings .... and it ended in a 1-1 draw. Of the teams playing wide open football, one failed to score despite taking 28 shots on goal in a 1-nil loss and the other thrashed the Irish 3-1. Name those two teams and win fabulous prizes!! The violence and racial abuse many feared hasn't really been on display yet either - outside the Russian fans beating several stewards (the name given to stadium ushers/security personnel in Europe) senseless in Wroclaw, Poland. No clear cut favorite has yet to emerge as the first round of games concludes today. Round two of group play sees Russia take on Poland tomorrow in a replay of 1939's epic "World War II" while Greece tries to remain afloat - no, not their economy - in Group A when they play the Czech Republic. Tensions both off and on the pitch will rise as the group stages conclude and the knockout rounds begin. Desperation leads to better soccer in my opinion as teams attack looking for goals which lead to wins and the vital three points. On a side note ... could ESPN have picked a poorer studio commentator than Michael Ballack??? If I didn't know Ballack was German, I would make fun of his horrible German accent. At least he tells the truth. When Bob Ley was asking Giuseppe Rossi - born to Italian immigrant parents in Teaneck, NJ - why he chose to play for the Italian national team instead of the good ol'U.S. of A, Ballack said, "Because he has a better chance of winning!" Gotta love those pragmatic Germans!

The Reds continue to dustrate like a child in the midst of his/her terrible twos as father Dusty watches silently from afar. For a team with a veteran core (Vottomatic, DatDude, Bruce, Rolen, Stubbs) they make too many mental errors on a regular basis. Add in Dusty's daft decision making and you've got a combination as explosive as vinegar and baking soda. Ever tried it??? Then you know what I'm talking about. I can give multiple examples in the last four games (1-3 in those four BTW): DatDude falling asleep on a sacrifice and allowing a runner to advance from first to third on a sacrifice bunt, DatDude and Cozart not being required to sacrifice bunt with a runner on second and no outs several times in the last four games, the Cuban Missile throwing only fastballs which were eventually timed up then throwing a wild pitch when he was finally asked to throw a slider, multiple players unable to hit the ball to the right side when a runner on second and less than two outs .. okay Dusty apologists I'll stop there. The Reds are tied for first in the NL Central with 32 wins .... which is like saying Germany is the strongest economy in the European Union (Have fun propping up Greece, Spain and Ireland!! The Reds are propped up by the sCrUBS and Lastros!!). 32 wins wouldn't put the Reds in the first place in any other division in baseball, an average of 4 games out of first place actually. Only three regulars are hitting over .275 (Vottomatic, Hanigan and Smokin' Todd Frazier) and Dusty can't wait to bench Smokin' Todd Frazier for Scott Rolen (.200 pts lower in the BA category and .400 pts lower in the OPS category than Smokin' Todd). The starting pitching continues to be just good enough to get beat with three starters posting mid-four ERAs. The next nine games are against the Cleveland Indians and New York Mets - both clubs playing above .500 ball through the first two months of the season. Unless the Redlegs start clicking, first place will disappear quicker than a bag of cotton candy in my son's mouth. So get your toothpicks, wristbands and Duncstrator cap on ... figure out the 2012 Reds.

Commerce Secretary John Bryson experienced a weird episode over the weekend and I'm not talking about President Obama saying the economy was fine Friday ( BTW - I've never seen a more hastily called press conference in my life!!). Bryson apparently suffered a seizure which caused him to hit the same car twice and then hit another car in the course of fifteen minutes of driving his Lexus. Not even Japanese aircraft carries could withstand damage like that and keep moving (historical sidenote: 70th anniversary of the Battle of Midway was last week). Can't say I blame the guy ... I'd probably have seizures too when looking at the U.S. economic numbers. As the government bailout spending dries up, so are the jobs. The private sector continues to make record profits, mainly because they've learned scared employees work like slaves to stay employed. Of course that's not the language corporate American uses to describe increasing profit margins in this fashion ... they call it efficiency. Whatever you call it, private sector hiring isn't coming back anytime soon unless China's economy bottoms out (it's slowing as I mentioned a couple weeks ago for the first time in a decade plus, so it will be interesting to see how the Chinese government responds). Profits generated through "restructuring" and "streamlining" and "efficiency" are just polite ways of saying, "We ran off 10% of our workforce so look at all the money we have now!!" Romney's campaign has taken a single minded approach to the upcoming election which can best be described as, "It's all about the economy stupid!" President's are often re-elected solely on the strength of the economy (how else can you explain Nixon winning in '72?), so Bryson might not be the only member of Obama's inner circle having a "seizure" in November.

Enough for today. I'm headed off to summer league as the Clark Cougars take on the Elder Panthers and Lakota West Firebirds. Oh ... and if you haven't watched the Mad Men season finale you better. My recap is coming tomorrow and it's going to be beautiful!!!

Short and sweet .. That's what she said

It's good to know someone is proofreading the diplomas given to high school graduates in Prince George's County, MD. Using the spellcheck crutch doesn't always catch misspellings (I'm a witness .. can I get an Amen??) but then again I'm not printing out 8000 diplomas in dire need of correctness. So to the recent high school graduates in Prince George's County, congratulations and the paper is in the mail!!

Gotta try to keep it short and sweet today. I'm headed down to GASP with my sons to take in this evenings titanic struggle between my beloved Redlegs and the Buccos. Last night the Reds got out to an early lead and withstood a Pittsburgh rally by riding the left arm of the Cuban Missile. The Missile's line for the night: 1 IP, O H, O R, O BB, 2 K, 9 TP (8 strikes/1 ball). Not sure there was anything but flame firing out of the Missile's left hand last night, which is an ongoing concern for me. He's going to have to use his slider eventually to get an out in the 9th inning, and if the Reds are going to start him eventually he's going to need the slider and another off-speed pitch. Walt Jock and His Dustiness may continue to chant, "The Missile will start one day!", however his dominance and reliance on one pitch indicate his long-term future may lie as the Reds closer. It may take an All-Star game appearance for the Missile to take the hill at the beginning of a game. Not sure that's ever happened before, a closer starting the All-Star game, so it would be a sight to behold. The Missile versus the Natural (former Red Josh Hamilton) in the first inning: straight smoke versus the best former dead red fastball hitter in baseball. Last night's win restored the Reds three game cushion atop the NL Central and blunted the Pirates recent momentum. Mike Leake takes the mound tonight opposed by Kevin Correira, both pitchers coming into the game with identical 2-5 records and similar mid-four ERAs. Vottomatic will try to extend his hitting streak to 13 games so at there will be some drama regardless of the score. Sneaky stat alert: The Pirates have the Major's third lowest team ERA at 3.30. The Old Lefthander used to say, "Good pitching beats good hitting everyday" and nothing has changed since his passing (RESPECT!). It will take more than a couple runs crossing the dish for the Reds to win tonight! Eyewitness account tomorrow!!

The OKC Thunder dispatched the Spurs last night to reach the NBA Finals. The game followed the same Vince McMahon script as every other game in the conference finals (chronicled yesterday), but this time I wasn't biting! The Thunder rolled the Spurs out of the playoffs by being more athletic and explosive than the veteran Spurs. If last night was the end of the Spurs decade-plus of excellence (how many years does Tim Duncan have left in his legs?), then they bowed out the same way they've played every season under Gregg Popovich - playing hard to the end with class and conviction. Tonight the GeriatricsCeltics try to closeout the Heat on the famed parquet floor. I'm calling a Heat win right here, right now!! Who's betting with me???

Mad Men barrels toward Sunday's season finale with a couple interesting plot twists, and I'm not talking about Lane twisting on his hangman's rope. Barefooted Bert Cooper started Lane's suicide in motion by discovering his forged check, even if he did blame Don in the first place. Don did what any partner would do after discovering the embezzlement of company funds and confronted Lane before giving him the option to resign respectfully. Lane begged and pleaded, but to no avail. Matty Weiner never fails to offer up subtle laughs, and the brand new Jaguar failing to fire in Lane's initial asphyxiation attempt was a funny pause before Lane's inevitable end. Don's also at his end, but it's only his wits end troubling the creative genius. Not content with bedding Jaguar (Mad Men was much better when Don was bedding ladies instead of accounts!), he longs for a bigger fish on his pole. Dow Chemical is in his sights, but it's a goose chase. Roger played the good friend by arranging the meeting, but even courtesy interviews last longer than Don's pitch to the Dow execs. Glen Bishops appearance at the Don's penthouse had me quickly glancing at the Urban Dictionary to see if his face - adolescent pornstache included - had become the default picture for "Creeper". Apparently even the best laid creeper plans can be derailed by a girls first period .... Lucky Sally! That Sally ran back to her maternal instinct lacking mother for comfort was as surprising at Megan Draper allowing Creeper Glen to hang around the apartment for hours. I'm sure Glen's pubescent fantasies (first Betty Draper, then Sally Draper, now hours alone with Megan Draper???) will keep his hand busy for months at his boarding school (assuming he can avoid the Senior lacrosse players who piss all over his lockered equipment ... obviously bullying wasn't a concern in the mid-1960's). I'm going to be in a technological blackout from 9 to 11 on Sunday night fully expecting my mind to be blown first by the wrap up of the Killing (Gwen killed Rosie .. I've said it since I found out about the Orpheus screen name!) and nightcap finale of Mad Men. Good TV will abandon me temporarily ... when does Downton Abbey start again???

Okay ... I'm out!! Euro2012 starts tomorrow and I'll be watching the lid lifter at Hap's with my soccer fanatic friends. But have no fear ... a blog will appear!!! C-Ya!!

Please accept my humblest apologies ...

I had several unexpected difficulties getting the summer office up and running. Wireless access from the pool area was spotty at best ... oh wait ... that's next week's excuse. The weather yesterday was only conducive to polar bear plunges so no poolside lounging for this guy. Instead I was lounging in the Tire Discounters waiting area as I stopped in to have more tires put on my cars than Jimmie Johnson in the Coca-Cola 600. Jimmie's pit crew throws four new Goodyear's on in ten or twelve seconds. Tire Discounters isn't quite as quick ... more like an hour and a half per set. It wasn't the time so much as the $1300 dollars for eight pieces of rubber (not that type of rubber you gutter minds!!) which lightened my wallet hours before my friend Jethro called with a scheme to visit Rio de Janerio in August. Think Tire Discounters will take the tires back??

Venus made its transit of the Sun yesterday. It was overcast at the Kerr Enterprises world headquarters so all my viewing was via the Internet courtesy of NASA. Venus won't put on another show for Earthlings until 2117, when I'll be 144. My grandkids (assuming my two sons spawn) will hopefully get to see it though. I'm a geek about the stars and planets and astronomy, but seven hours of Venus slowly taking the walk of shame across the sun was too much. I watched for five minutes, so I can say I saw it. Then my ADHD set in. Where's my guitar?

Cheeseheads proved they don't mind having a bonehead run their lovely state as Scott Walker survived a recall attempt in Wisconsin. The result was expected as Walker had consistently run out front in the polls, so I'm not sure why many politicos point to the result as a portent for Obama or those who support organized labor. To me it is a sad reminder of the power class warfare holds in politics. Labor unions, whether public or private, are not to blame for government overspending or the economic problems our country finds itself in today. However many of our economic problems can be laid at the feet of super wealthy bankers and hedge fund managers (What was it that Mitt Romney did before jumping into the mudpit I call politics?) who caused a Fukushima level meltdown of our financial system. Labor unions didn't create false wealth and drive a sub-prime lending culture which gave trillions of dollars to people who were completely unable to pay off the money loaned to them. Labor unions also didn't figure out a way to create synthetic credit derivatives where companies could gamble billions of dollars in an attempt to win trillions of dollars. Who did create the environment where wealthy bankers and investors bilked billions from the American public? Oh ... that's right ... it was the politicians who decreased regulation of the financial system during the Reagan, Bush 41 and Clinton years which lead to the banks becoming too big to fail. Somewhere from the bottom of the Atlantic, Thomas Andrews (the designer of the Titanic) is slowly nodding. Unfortunately many states (IN, OH, NC, WI among others) have thrown public employee unions to the lions as the cause of government overspending and deficits. What Walker, Daniels and Kasich pretend to forget is that no union member held a gun to the government when negotiating these employment contracts. Futhermore, if the jobs performed by these public employees are so easy (I'd be on my way to Rio with Jethro if I had $1 every time someone told me how easy it is to teach) then the government should simply replace all of them when a public employee union refuses to assent to the government's working conditions. And before you say, "Kerr, you've been protected by a teacher's union your whole career!" please take note that I have not been in a union in seven years. My salary, benefits and working conditions have been unilaterally imposed by the administrations who employ me since 2005 - before the meltdown and public backlash against public employees. I have paid an increasing amount of my health insurance premium (originally around 10% of the premium now up to 18% of the premium), my mandated retirement contribution has gone from 10% to 14% (all my privately employed friends are mandated to pay 4.2% ... remember that when you're bitching about my pension!), the number of years I am required to work to qualify for a "full" pension payout has been increased from 30 to 35 to 38 years and this year my salary was frozen again. Despite all this I continue to love my job. Deranged? Possibly. A sadist? Most definitely. People still ask me if I'm a Republican, who I supported exclusively for many years. SMH .. yeah .. I support the people who attack both my cheeks. Call me Scott of Nazareth.

The NBA conference finals are almost over, and the Thunder and GeriatricsCeltics are holding a three games to two advantage over the Spurs and the Heat respectively. Both series game five followed Vince McMahon's script to a T: one team gets out to a big lead, the other team comes back (shaking like Hulk Hogan with each blow as he rises off the mat) until the game is tied (you know that last hit where the Hulkamaniac would stop shaking and look directly into his opponents eyes before opening a can of whoop ass? KG did that last night!) with the game being decided during a flurry of timeouts and free throws (or Erik Spoelstra designing a multi-layered set play called "Rock Bottom"). It was nice to see the last living dinosaur animatronically playing for the Heat last night (Raptor Bosh for those of you who fail to see the resemblance). Both road teams won game five, and if there is to be a game seven in either series the roadies will have to prevail again. You can't count out the Spurs or the Heat yet, but it is very difficult to survive two elimination games in a row when one of those games is on the road. I'm going to withhold my predictions for gambling purposes ... sorry.

The Reds dropped another game to the Pirates last night (1-3 in the last four against the Buccos) while swinging 2-13 with RISP and generating quite a breeze with FIFTEEN strikeouts. For the season the Reds are swinging .226 with RISP, so 2-13 (.153) shouldn't goose you too badly. Homer lived up to his name again, and was showering up by the fourth inning. The Pirates are now in second place in the division, two games back of the Redlegs. If the Bucs keep this pace up I'm going to have to apologize to my main man Tooly for calling them a crap team (even though they are a crap team .. they are hitting a NL low .221 as a team and have scored the fewest runs in the major leagues .. they just happen to be in the same division as the Lastros and sCrUBS). Johnny Cueto pitches for the Reds tonight against Brad Lincoln and his 1.04 ERA. This will be Lincoln's second start for the Pirates after pitching mainly in relief. In his only other start he threw six innings of four hit ball versus the Miami Marlins to get the win. He hasn't given up more than two runs in any outing this season so Johnny better be good tonight if the Reds are going to get off the schnide (check the Urban Dictionary if you don't know). Drew Stubbs left last night's game with injured ribs so it will be interesting to see who plays centerfield for the good guys. Heisey in center with Ludwick in left makes the most sense, but His Dustiness might opt for Exxon Valdez in center.  Put me in coach ... I'm ready to play ... today!!

I'm getting a little pink on the pool deck, so I'm going to dip a chilly toe in the water. I know I skipped Mad Men Tuesday - apologies again - so I'll recap all the SCDP happenings tomorrow. Season finale is Sunday night ... sadly.

Summer league opens tonight ... gotta go get wet prepped. Hasta manana!

I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night!

Stopped into school today to tidy some things up before opening up the summer office. Not much going on here but there was a lot going on this weekend!! Let's see ... where to start ... hmmm ...

Today, June 4th, 2012, I'm calling on Congress to investigate several frauds being perpetrated on the American sporting public. Either that or the Eastern Conference NBA finals are being scripted by Vince McMahon and the WWE. Fraud #1: The last three games in the GeriatricsCeltics-Heat series have been digital copies of holographic images projected before a CGI crowd. Evidence? All three have featured the GeriatricsCeltics playing inspired triage basketball (seriously the GeriatricsCeltics have a murse in disguise on the bench to tend to the 52389 injuries those old guys have sustained not to mention fans can't sit behind their bench due to the malodorous Ben-Gay slathered everywhere) in the first half and getting out to big leads only to see the Heat wave back into the game by the end of the third quarter. The fourth quarters have been back and forth affairs designed to maximize TV ratings and advertising revenue before heading to overtime or last shot finishes. There have been enough screwy officiating subplots (LeBron fouled out last night?) to keep David Stern fending off Oliver Stone-Mark Cuban-Tim Donaghy movie scripts for the next three years. It's time for the Commish to admit it: He fixes more than just the draft lottery! Fraud #2: The Miami Heat in the last 24 seconds of a tied game. This fraud is much more insidious since it involves inept coaching, poor execution and player failure ... an unholy triumvirate to say the least. Erik Estrada (from C.H.I.P.S.) would do a better job of impersonating an NBA coach than Erik Spoelstra. Last night he designed a "multi-layer set play to get LeBron the ball on the run" at the end of regulation. The multi-layered trickeration backfired into a Udonis Haslem (who? exactly!) off balance 17 footer after LeBron ran into a triple team. Erik needs to follow the K.I.S.S. theory - Keep It Simple Stupid. Give LeBron or D-Wade the ball with three perimeter shooters so the defense has to stay at home a la Phil Jackson/Michael Jordan/Jon Paxson-Steve Kerr sets to win several NBA finals games. The series takes its storyline back to South Beach for a pivotal game five (in my Marv Albert voice!). No truth to the rumor LeBron and D-Wade asked for Vince McMahon David Stern to appoint MC Hammer as a guest referee ... Can't Touch Them!! I would love to see the GeriatricsCeltics score one for us old folks, but I don't see it happening. In the meantime enjoy John Cena v. the Rock in NBAMania XVIII.

Mitt Romney's campaign revealed his net worth today - $190-$250 million. I find it a little disconcerting for a presidential candidate to have such a poor handle on his money. $60 million somewhere in the stratosphere??? No wonder we have a $14 trillion debt. Of course Obama is no better ... his net worth is between $2.6 - $8.3 million. It's shaping up to be a great choice between super rich and filthy rich in November. And don't mind the disputed dollar signs ... everyone in Washington spends Benjamins like Rich Uncle Pennybags.

Things are heating up in Jolly Old England. The Queen Elizabeth II's Diamond Jubilee (60th anniversary of her reign) kicked off Saturday in London, and I must admit I watched the flotilla in her honor on the River Thames Sunday morning. For those of you who missed this pageant (but managed to catch the Miss U.S.A. ... you win!) imagine Halloween on the water with Union Jacks flying all around in a drizzly rain. Nothing like the gray London sky to background such a joyous occasion!! QEII showed no signs of slowing down at 86 (her mother lived to 102!!) and Britons celebrated excessively all weekend. Her jubilee continues today with a concert by Elton John, Jesse J, Paul McCartney and others just outside Buckingham Palace. The last time she attended a similar concert she wore earplugs. Long live the Queen's eardrums!! London is also ramping up for the Olympic games which begin in just a touch over six weeks. The Queen will be there too to open the games ... no word yet on the earplugs. But sadly in an Olympic year a major rule change to women's sport is going seriously impact my personal viewing choices. The Badminton World Federation dropped its rule requiring females to compete in skirts. The BWF had instituted the rule to make the women more presentable and easier to watch. Bahahaha .... good one. I wouldn't watch women's badminton if they competed in lingerie, however I do watch women's beach volleyball with considerable interest. Go figure!

On Dancing with The Dustrator, the Reds did tried the very complex Texas Three Step over the weekend but could only master the much easier Texas Two Step. Not much controversy on the judges scoring (They're not called the Houston Lastros for nothing!!) except for surrendering a six run lead on Saturday before pulling the game out 12-9. Mat Latos was bad, bad on Saturday and is starting to exhibit some very Aaron Harang (circa 2008-2010) like gopher ball comparisons. Bronson Arroyo threw five bad pitches yesterday, but did strum out four great chords after the game. I'm gonna call it even. I am however embroiled in a dispute of Hatfield-McCoy proportions centering on Joey Vottomatic's rest day last week. One very respected reader thinks I was unfair to His Dustiness in criticizing the Reds forfeit to Pittsburgh when the Dustrator choose to rest Vottomatic in the last game of the Pittsburgh series. So let me clarify my genius for all those who drink from the fountain of knowledge (dripping wet with sarcasm!): Had the Reds won the first and second games of the Pittsburgh series, then resting Vottomatic is fine in my book. The Reds need to win series, especially against the NL Central which is among the weakest divisions in baseball. Yesterday would have been a perfect opportunity to rest JV after dispatching the Lastros on Friday and Saturday. Plus it would have allowed JV to sit out a day game after a night game (always the preferred rest method for Major Leaguers except in Dusty Custer's book) and have a rest day today when the Reds aren't playing. But Dusty reads from his own book and I'm just a balding high school teacher/coach who doesn't chew toothpicks. That puts me one step ahead of Ernest T Bass in many minds!! (Sidenote to younger readers: Ernest T Bass was a troublemaker on the Andy Griffith Show. More famous than Drake for his rhymes like this: Right or wrong I'm here to fight, unless you run away with fright. And if you wonder who I be, it's me, it's me, it's Ernest T!! Whoo hoo!!)

I'm off to our first organized summer practice today. Summer league starts over in Fairfield on Wednesday so it's time to get it on!!! C-Ya tomorrow!!!

Last day of school edition ...

Somewhere inside the tangled synapses which misconnect my brain cells together, the end of the school year is a mixed bag of emotions. I've never been a teacher to rejoice at the end of a shared journey with 100 or so young minds. I feel like I've lost a little of my purpose when there is no one to guide along the path toward enlightenment. Sure summer basketball is there to offer some sense of accomplishment, but it's different than the daily grind in the classroom. I'll enjoy my summer romance with the pool, take advantage of the time to get in better shape, visit to my family's islands in Canada and cherish the time I spend with my sons and friends. I'll sleep until 8 AM. I may even dust off the golf clubs long enough to excavate pieces of finely manicured fairways (okay ... rough) and dispatch dimpled white spheres into woods and ponds all over Southwest Ohio. But I enjoy teaching and when there is no teaching to be done a part of me is deflated (or chewed off by a guy out of his mind on bath salts and LSD - either way it's gone). Maybe it's just today's weather which has put me in this funk ... It's summer freaking break man!!!!! Let's goooooooooooo!!!!!

Not to New York though ... I'm staying out of there. Billionaire Doctor Manny Mayor Michael Bloomberg is back at his social engineering best as he's tries to transform NYC into the world's fittest city. Not content with the thousands of aspiring anoxeric models, bulimic actresses and malnourished dancers who inhabit the city, Daddy Bloomberg is once again trying to eliminate an unhealthy habit. Having previously banned smoking and the use of trans-fat for cooking in the city, he has now turned his attention to those 48 ounces of chilly sugary syrup people slurp on for refreshment. Sodas or pop (depending on your regionality) larger than 16 ozs. will be banned in NYC if Dr. Bloomberg gets his way. That's right New Yorkers .... You want a 24 oz Mountain Dew in the morning? Go to New Jersey! Have you seen their governor?? He swigs entire 64 oz Big Gulps in between steps!! None of that in New York City I tell you!! Next on Bloomberg's agenda for Nanny York City: requiring all people venturing out of the climate controlled and UV ray protected comfort of their home to wear SPF 50 sunscreen or sport NYC approved burqas. Punishments begin with exile to Newark, NJ or death from obesity/skin cancer .. whichever comes first. Bloomberg has also floated the idea of a real life "Running Man" TV show for Nanny Yorkers who consume more than 2000 calories per day. No word yet on whether Simon Cowell and FOX will pick up the show. I've said it before and I'll say it again ... Protecting people from themselves is a fools errand. Laws should be designed to protect property and liberty, not behavior detrimental to one's own well-being. Give me my 36 oz. ICEE or give me death!! Poppa Bloomberg says, "death!"

I'm a Harry Potter fan and found this cool 17 minute video today of every spell ever cast in the eight HP movies. It's magic only you silly muggles!!  Enjoy!!

There is an enormous soccer tournament on tap in Europe beginning June 8th. Euro2012 will feature the best national sides from UEFA (the Union of European Football Associations - yes it's called football in Europe since your feet are the main body part used to control the ball!). This edition of the tournament (held every four years) is to be jointly hosted in Poland and Ukraine. If you thought the biggest worry was going to be how many Polocks it takes to screw in a lightbulb, boy are you wrong. The BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation for my gutter minded readers) ran a special earlier in the week called "Stadiums of Hate" which chronicled the racism associated with soccer in Poland and the Ukraine. The documentary shows players of African descent being taunted with monkey chants and having bananas thrown unto the pitch. Jewish players hear "Death, death to the Jewish whore" belted out by cheering sections (not to be confused with Borat's "In My Country There is a Problem") or mass Nazi salutes from fans in Ukraine. The video is shocking to watch supposedly educated people behaving in such a manner. As a sports fan I can't believe anything similar would happen at a U.S. stadium, included the infamous Black Hole in Oakland. An LA Dodger parking lot .. yes ... inside Dodger stadium ... no. I've heard all sorts of personal taunts directed toward players and coaches, but never the widespread racial epithets from entire stadiums. Many players are fearful for their families safety, with several English players of African descent saying their families will not even attend the games due to these concerns. An Italian player of African descent (MarioDennis RodmanBalotelli) went so far as to say he would simply walk off the pitch if he hears or sees racist behavior. Hopefully the tournament will avoid any of these types of behavior. Me? I'm sticking to personal insults.

The Reds are in Houston tonight for the start of a three game series. Mike Leake is on the hill for the Redlegs opposing lefty J.A. Happ of the Lastros. The Reds could use a sweep, but I'll settle for a series win after forfeiting the third game against the Pirates Wednesday night.

The OKC Thunder rocked the SA Spurs last night for their first win the the Western Conference Finals. The Spurs have been my team since the days of Sean Elliot and the Admiral, but I don't think they can beat the Heat in a seven game series. The Spurs will suffer from the same problem the GeriatricsCeltics have against the Heat - scoring the basketball. A big difference between the Spurs and Celtics is the low post scoring threat of Tim Duncan which Boston has no equal. The Thunder are much younger and athletic, but will need Russell Westbrook to be more efficient offensively to come back against the Spurs and/or defeat the Heat. Kevin Durantula can score at will and James Harden gives the Thurnder a third scoring option. Serge Ibaka and Kendrick Perkins should be able to contest shots in the paint. But with the official help given to the Heat, I don't think it will matter. When D-Wade and LeBron conga line to the FT line accompanied by Gloria Estefan and a guy in a black and white striped shirt, the opponent is really irrelevant. There's no conspiracy involved ... no favoritism. Ask David Stern. Or Tim Donaghy. Or just watch with your own eyes. Unless they've been poked out by D-Wade on a lay-up attempt in a tie game in OT and there was no foul called.

Packing my bags people .... I'll holler at you on Monday!! Enjoy the weekend!!

P.S. Good luck to all the Clark Cougars playing in the state AAU tournament this weekend!!