6th Commandment: Thou shall not bat two lefties in a row

                         ****WARNING: INTENSE BASEBALL DISCUSSION!!!****

Do you ever wonder who made up rules we use in everyday life? Quickly ... Name a spelling rule! Waiting .... Waiting .... Waiting .... Did you answer I before E except after C? David Blaine told me that's what you would answer ... Magic!! So then how do you explain society, science, ancient, species, neighbor, height/weight, vein, weird or seize? Exceptions to the rule? Or maybe the I before E rule was made by someone who didn't possess all the facts? Or maybe YOU are Dusty Custer and YOU know there are baseball rules because they are baseball rules because that's how it's always been done in baseball (at least that is Dusty Custer's standard answer to anyone who dares question his managerial moves). Dusty is baseball's Phil Jackson without the rings but with all the enlightened, zen inspiring leadership (and cool hipster glasses, plus the wristbands - guess he sweats chewing those toothpicks? Or maybe he sweats trying to follow all those baseball rules he has learned or making his inane in-game moves or filling out the line-up card without including Free Chris Heisey). The Reds are sitting at .500 after 22 games, which IMHO is underachieving (wait ... is it achieve or acheive ... there's a C and an I and an E and the rule comes into play I think .. but maybe not). They are 5-8 against teams with winning records, including 2-4 against the Cardinals. Cause for concern? You tell me!

What follows would make Abbot and Costello proud!!!

IMHO the Reds are winning in spite of Dusty Custer, not because of him.  And I've got plenty of examples!!! Let's start with Baseball's Sixth Commandment: Thou shall not bat two lefties in a row. The logic behind the Sixth Commandment is a team can bring in a left-handed relief pitcher in a crucial situation to face two left-handed hitters. Since left-handed hitters usually have a harder time hitting left-handed pitchers (because the pitch breaks away from the batter), it is a common move by managers in this era of specialized relief pitchers. Before I go any further, let's play a word association game. I say Reds' best hitter, you say ..... Joey Votto. I say Reds' most dangerous hitter, you say ... Joey Votto. Okay, maybe that doesn't work. But I would argue Jay Bruce is the Reds's most dangerous hitter and should put up better power numbers than Votto-matic. So why doesn't Jay Bruce hit behind Joey Votto and provide some protection against teams pitching around Votto? Because of Baseball's Sixth Commandment. And that's the bottom line because Dusty Custer said so. Only the statistics for both hitters don't back up Dusty or the Sixth Commandment. A quick look at the stats (BTW .. Dusty Custer does not believe in advanced baseball metrics or statistics to make decisions. He prefers what he sees through his hipster glasses or feels underneath his wristbands) shows the following. Joey Votto is a career .316 hitter against right-handed pitchers and .306 against left-handed pitchers. When you account for the difference in at-bats against right and left-handed pitchers, Votto's power numbers go down slightly (approximately seven more at-bats per homrun v. left-handers than right-handers), but his RBI numbers are consistent (5.5 at-bats per RBI against left-handers v. 5.6 at-bats per RBI against right-handers). So there isn't much difference if Votto-matic faces a right or left-handed pitcher. Jay Bruce is a slightly different as he doesn't hit left-handed pitchers as well (career .268 hitter against right-handers but only .236 against lefties), but his power numbers and RBIs  are very consistent per at-bat against both. So the statistics support batting Bruce after Votto instead of splitting up the two lefties with Brandon Phillips or Scott Rolen - both right-handed batters without the homerun power of Jay Bruce. The Mayan long calendar will come to fruition before Dusty follows these stats. If he does bat Bruce behind Votto, you better get right with God!!

Next up .... Ryan Ludwick v. Free Chris Heisey. Ludwick is a veteran (Dusty loooovvvveesss him some veterans!) who is hitting .190. Last season Ludwick hit .237 and .251 the season before. He's 33 years old and all his statistics head down faster than Megan Draper's mom on last night's Mad Men (Tomorrow is going to be good!!). Free Chris Heisey (a.k.a. FCH) on the other hand is batting .214 ... stellar I know!!! But Heisey hit .254 last season and .254 the season before. Power numbers favor Heisey as well. FCH hit 18 homeruns in only 279 at-bats last season (more common HR rate than Votto-matic or Bruce), while Ludwick hit only 13 homeruns in 490 at-bats last season and 17 homeruns in 490 the previous season. Ludwick's only advantage over FCH is RBIs, with 25 more last season than FCH, but that is deceptive due to the difference in at-bats. When equalized per at-bat, FCH's RBI rate per at-bat is over a full at-bat ahead of Ludwick. So why Ludwick over FCH? For the same reason Corey Patterson, Willy Taveras, and Jerry  Hairston, Jr. got at-bats ... they were dating Dusty Baker's daughter or they had compromising photos of Dusty with Morgana. I never could get the story straight. Either way it's a bad choice with no explanation coming from his Dustiness.

The 7th inning of yesterday's victory over the Lastros had more examples of Dustrating (thanks Celenza!) behavior than a thesaurus. Ryan Hanigan led off the inning with a single, then FCH ripped a pinch-hit single to left (for the record, yesterday FCH 1-1 & Ludwick 0-4). Dusty then sent Devin Mesoraco (a rookie catcher) in to pinch-run for Hanigan (catcher pinch running for another catcher? Has that ever happened before? Must be a 19th century baseball rule?). Now with runners on first and second and no outs, Dusty signaled in for Drew Stubbs to sacrifice bunt ... Oxymoron I know (Drew Stubbs runs like Usain Bolt and swings like DaveAdam DunnKingman. If he could bunt he would hit .300 and steal 50 bases a season. But he can't bunt!!!!!). My question to you is this: What benefit is gained by sacrificing runners to 2nd and 3rd base with Zack Cozart and Joey Votto-matic coming up to bat? Waiting ... Waiting ... Waiting ... Answer? Nothing. The Lastros would have attacked Cozart like the game depended on it (which it did and which they did and which ended in a Cozart strikeout) and intentionally walked Votto and pitched to Dat Dude BP (who was hitless yesterday .... interesting tweet from BP to follow!). Instead Stubbs stubbed the bunt and the 'fleet-footed' Mesoraco was luckily thrown out at third. Lucky indeed for the Reds since it eventually forced the Lastros to pitch to Votto, who promptly doubled to right field scoring Heisey and Stubbs to tie the game. Dat Dude then flied out to center to end the inning. If you're scoring at home, that's a good pinch-hitting decision (even though FCH should start!), a horrible pinch-running decision (Mesoraco not fast, Hanigan better behind the plate), and a horrible sacrifice bunt decision (Stubbs can't bunt!!!). Dusty on the inning, 2 bad decisions - 1 good decision - 1 bail out by Votto-matic. It's all about the Jimmies and Joeys boys and girls!!!


Okay ... Dustypalozza is over for now. Reds are off today .. loyal readers rejoice!!! Here is DatDudeBP's tweet I reference earlier. Hope you all are hip to Twitter!!

Brandon Phillips ‏ @DatDudeBP Awwwww... That's cute! Actually, I'm goin to your girl house so I'll be mr 1-5 😚 RT @BenDingy: @DatDudeBP how bout the batting cages mr 0-4

The Reds in England (Manchester United in layman terms) plays a huge match against Manchester City today. Recap tomorrow.

Mad Men ... WTFJH face made an appearance on the show last night!!! Sally Draper had the honor!!! Recap tomorrow.

NFL Draft ... it's over. Recap tomorrow maybe.

Enough? Yeah I thought so. Talk tomorrow.

Pleased to meet you .. hope you guessed my name!!

Paging Dr. Pitts ... Dr. Earl Pitts ... Because you know what makes ME sick? You know what makes me so mad I wanna stick my arm in a chipper/shredder? The "Nanny State" our government is trying to create by restricting more and more of the freedoms we used to have. Captain McCrea and the BnL executives (go watch WALL-E if you don't know what I'm talking about) rejoiced yesterday when U.S. Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood announced plans to call for a nationwide ban on cellphone use - talking or texting - while driving. He called 'distracted driving' (Def. - a lame term coined by Dean Wormer or Al Gore to describe doing anything other than driving with your hands at 10 & 2 while your eyes are firmly focused on the road) a "national epidemic" and want police to have the ability to "write tickets when people are foolishly thinking they can drive safely or use a cell phone and text and drive." Pencil-Pusher LaHood used a couple of stats from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration to support his claim, so I looked up the report he used to support his position. Here's what I found: in 2009, there were 995 fatalities (out of 33808 total automobile fatalities) from automobile crashes where the police noted that a cell phone was either being used or in the driver's vicinity during a crash. Quick math ... 995/33808 = .029 x 100 = 2.9%. There were 3932 other automobile fatalities in 2009 attributed to distracted driving - eating, talking to a passenger, messing with the radio, putting on mascara at 75 mph. Quick math ... 3932/33808 = 11.6%. So according to our esteemed Pencil-Pusher in Washington, our dysfunctional national government should concern itself with writing new laws to protect the .0003% of the population killed by public enemy #1 TWD. Sounds like quite the epidemic!!! By comparison 13,523 motorists were killed in 2009 in fatal automobile accidents attributed to alcohol consumption, which has been the subject of more intense DUI laws and enforcement for the last 30 years. Aren't there already laws written dealing with reckless operation for drivers who cross the center line, change lanes without signalling or follow too closely? Oh .. that's right .. those laws already exist, so why not encourage police officers enforce those laws when they see a driver on their cellphone. Novel idea to enforce existing laws instead of passing new laws, I know. Instead the government will look to pass new laws to protect people from their own lack of responsibility .. an Orwellian Nanny keeping us safe. At the root of LaHood's quixotic quest to stop distracted driving are two complementary causes: 1 - election year politicking involving an issue many older Americans see as a problem (how many AARP members know how to text anyway?) and 2 - a justification for a useless appendage of the federal government. The Department of Transportation hasn't been relevant since the transportation revolution ended with the creation of the interstate highway system. Now where is that chipper/shredder or NWA???

At least the ponies are back to live racing at River Downs!! AARP members might not be able to text but they sure can bet on horse races!! You've never seen a true fanatic until you've been down by the rail at River Downs next to a 73-year old on a fixed income betting his dinner money on the 6 horse in the 5th race at 12-1 odds. Come on 6!! Get up there 6!! Come on 6!! Sadly I see the Ghost of My Future in those old guys at the track because I love betting on horses. I didn't grow up betting on horse races and don't have any sentimental stories about learning to read the morning line on my dad's lap. It wasn't until college when I struck up a friendship with a small-time bookie (you know the Fed's are listening!) that I became a degenerate equine gambler. I traveled with my bookie/friend to Turfway Park to watch the Jim Beam Stakes and I was hooked. Mainlining cocaine doesn't provide me with the same high as the feeling of watching your horse hit the eight pole and gallop away from the field for the win. Floating over to the tote with a winning ticket is the icing on the cake. As the dopamine euphoria fades, I stick my nose right back into the Daily Racing Form and start looking for my next score. Success you ask??? I've hit a couple big ones ... Giacomo at the Derby in 2005 (couple hundo) and Mine That Bird in the 2009 Derby (for $1300 + change) ... but usually hope to cash a couple of tickets and leave the track even. Today I'll load my pockets up with $40 or $50 and hope to see a couple cavalry charges to the line. If I leave with some green (non-sticky variety) in my pocket at the end of the day .. even better!!

Yesterday was a game lost for the Redlegs. The Reds erstwhile closer, Sean Marshall, couldn't get it done in the 9th inning, allowing Angel Pagan to hit a three run bomb. Staked to a 6-5 lead, San Francisco Giant closer Santiago Casilla blanked the Reds in the bottom of the 9th and condemned them to defeat. If there is a silver lining for the 9-10 Reds, it's the three winnable series on the horizon. The Lastros, Cubs and Pirates should equal 6 wins minimum (see yesterday's blog) and allow the Reds' hitters to eat!! Anything less is another sign of trouble for the team who was supposed to contend and Dusty Custer. The Reds have Leake, Cueto and Latos on the mound against a Lastros team that has been able to hit the ball like the 1927 Yankees but is 7-12 on the season. Houston's best pitcher to date, Wandy Rodriguez, is on the mound tonight looking to keep his ERA under 2.00. Reds pitcher Mike Leake has struggled so far, giving up 22 hits and 13 runs in only 18 innings. It's time for the REAL Mike Leake to stand up and mow down the Lastros!!

Across the pond (3rd on the AARP 'Favorite Cliche' list), Arsenal travels to the Britannia Stadium to take on Stoke City Saturday morning at 10. My son has a baseball game in Anderson at the same time, which means the DVR kiss of death for the Gunners. Arsenal needs three points in my estimation to insure Champions League football next season and there is no better time to wrap those points up than tomorrow!! I'm seriously considering not DVR'ing the match and hoping to catch a replay later in the day .... decisions, decisions, decisions. I need to consult my guru Bill Simmons for proper non-jinx DVR protocol.

The NBA playoffs start tomorrow ... it's fantastic! Mr. NBA, Jerry West, is an AARP member.

The NFL draft continues tonight and Saturday. I'll recap it Monday when I'll have seen Marvin & Mike's complete work. Bengal's nation can only wish Mike Brown fully embraces the AARP philosophy and retires soon.

My words of weekend wisdom come from the late, great Jim Valvano. Have fun everybody!!!!

Sound of the drums ... beatin in my heart!

Thunderstorms have a way of shaking loose all the dust bunnies in my head, which is scary to some people. They also have a way of shooting lightning at homes in Mason, which is really scary to me (a house over in Crooked Tree got hit & heavily damaged by fire last night). At least three houses within two miles of my house have been licked by Thor's spark and gone up like tinder in the last couple years. One of those loose dust bunnies has me thinking I should call Jonathan Kent in Smallville and ask him which brand of lightning rod is most effective. Or I could strap Tim Tebow to my roof. I've heard both are equally effective at preventing lightning strikes. Only the Pittsburgh Steelers disagree. What's that ... the NFL draft starts tonight? Oh ... I hadn't heard. Get your ears ready!!! Chris "Boomer" Berman ... back, back, back ... BOOM!!! Are you Team Kiper or Team McShay?

The thundering announcement from ExxonMobil that their net income from the 1st quarter of 2012 fell 11% shook Wall Street yesterday. Their shareholders were crushed to find out the oil giant made only $9.45billion in the first three months of the year, down from $10.7billion in the same period last year. The 1st quarter earnings report puts ExxonMobil on track for net earnings of $37.8billion in 2012 ... just the type of company I think our government should help prop up with tax breaks!!! ExxonMobil pulls in almost $500million a year in tax breaks and credits from our government, or about the same amount of tax money given to the ill-fated Solyndra solar panel company. Question of the day: Of the two examples provided, which use of tax money is supported by Republican Senators? Think very carefully ... both involve using tax money to support businesses. One business is a small American start-up. One is a multi-national, established company. One company spends millions of dollars a year on lobbyists to convince lawmakers to protect their fair advantage. One company applied to use the government's money under a law signed by George W. in 2005. Times up ... Final answer? If you guessed that Republican Senators support tax credits to ExxonMobil, you are correct. The Republican Senators also support another $1.9billion in tax credits to large oil companies like BP, ConocoPhillips, Shell, and Chevron. Together these five companies will earn between $80billion - $100billion this year, and instead of using their profits to further exploration, research, and infrastructure they will use $2.4billion of American tax money to do these things. These same Republicans, and soon Mitt Romney, slam President B-rock Obama for his support of the Solyndra corporation which eventually went bankrupt. Benjamin Franklin, famous for his research into the electrical potential of lightning, Alexis de Tocqueville, and Alexander Tyler all postulated (between 1763 and 1831 I might add) that democracy would come to an end when the public learns it can vote itself a share of the public treasury (I paraphrased a combination of all three guys' ideas). The only difference between Republicans and Democrats in their quest to dismantle democracy in the U.S. is that the Republicans vote the public treasury to corporations and big business (through tax breaks which allow their shareholders - citizens - to make more money), while the Democrats vote the public treasury to the people (through social programs designed for the underprivileged or elderly or unemployed or disabled). Either way democracy in the United States suffers, capitalism in the United States suffers, and freedom and liberty in the United States suffers. A couple hundred years later, all three of these great thinkers have been proven correct. Bravo!!

San Francisco lefthander Barry Zito was motoring along last night at the GABP through six innings, holding the Reds scoreless with only four hits. Then Scott Rolen stepped up to the plate in the 7th inning and thundered a lightning bolt into the leftfield stands for his first homerun of the year. Zito hit the showers and the Reds plated three more runs in the inning to take a 4-2 lead. Aroldis Chapman was electric in the 8th inning and Sean Marshall closed the Giants down in the 9th for his 4th save of the season. It was a gritty performance on a drizzly night, headed up by Bronson Arroyo grinding out innings and keeping the game close with very average stuff. Bronson's pitching performances are about as balanced as Charlie Sheen's behavior. Sheen's liver is accustomed to the type of beating the Giants put on Arroyo last night, but they could only manage two runs against the Reds starter (and to be fair to Bronson, Stubbs should have gunned down Hector Sanchez at the plate in the 4th but he bobbled the ball in the outfield). The win puts the Reds back to .500 at 9-9, and after today's game against the giants they have 9 games against the Lastros, Cubs and Pirates. Anything below 6-4 in these next 10 games is unacceptable, and 7-3 is definitely possible. Dusty Custer needs to lead a charge through the division's Sister's of the Poor if he wants to make his last stand a winning one. Some fans forget that the Reds dominated the Lastros, Cubs and Pirates on the way to the 2010 Central Title to the tune of 32-15 (they were 59-56 against everyone else). Similar domination will be required if the Reds hope to grab a pennant again this season.

Real Madrid was thunderstruck yesterday when Sergio Ramos blazed his shot from the penalty spot into the Bernabeu crowd allowing Bayern Munich to win the Champions League Semi-Final on Bastian Schweinsteiger's (could there be a more Bavarian name than that?) successful penalty kick. Bayern moves on to face Chelsea in the final and puts to rest the myth about La Liga being the best league in the world. Real Madrid is going to win La Liga, and Bayern is eight points behind the Bundesliga's leader Borussia Dortmund. Barcelona is second in La Liga, while Chelsea is in sixth place in the Premier League twenty-five points back of leaders Manchester United. If La Liga was as dominant some Spaniphants like to claim, both Real and Barcelona would be preparing to play in the Champions League final instead of heading back to the Spain with their tails between their legs. Spanish Dogs!!!!

The 1st round of the NFL draft is tonight .. FINALLY!!!! Not because I'm excited about who the Bengals or Cowboys will select, but because the cacophony of talking heads will stop thundering in my ears. I might mention the draft tomorrow .. and then again maybe I won't because one round does not a draft make. You know how I feel about hype ... don't make me repeat myself!!!

And like a flash of lightning ... I'm gone!

Don't ... don't, don't don't believe the hype!!

****WARNING: soccer references, Mad Men references, Public Enemy references, old lady driving references and Nintendo Techmo Bowl references. Get your Google ready!!****

Get your lighters ready!!! It's Administrative Assistants Day!!!! Believe the hype!!! It's a huge holiday!!! People are talking about it everywhere!!! Celebrations for all!!!

Barca Hype
Except for poor Lionel Messi ... only Peggy Olson bounced off more wood than Lio did in Barcelona's draw with Chelsea during yesterday's Champions League semi-final. Even when Barcelona got their fair advantage of playing 11 on 10 for 53 minutes (which is growing tiresome. In Barca's last three knockout stage must win games, the other team has mysteriously had a player sent off for one reason or another. Chelsea in 2012, Arsenal in 2011, and Inter Milan in 2010. Hey UEFA! Barca is good enough to win 11 v. 11 so let them!!) and missing a penalty kick, they could only manage a 2-1 lead which tied the two-legged matches' aggregate score at 3-3. Then suddenly Chelsea's Fernando Torres, who scores as frequently as Mister Rogers in a whorehouse, turned into Bo Jackson on Techmo Bowl and galloped off on a 50 yard breakaway toward goal in the last minute of the match. Barca goalkeeper Victor Valdes made a futile attempt to stop 'Nando from putting the ball into the net, and Chelsea sprinted into the Champions League final with a 4-3 aggregate win. The only positive for Barcelona is four of their players were named to the Spanish Olympic Diving team and are considered the favorites in that competition. Reportedly the four players are ecstatic to be able to share Speedo-clothed hugs with Cristiano Ronaldo in London. Don't, don't, don't believe the hype!!

Messi Hype
Back to Messi ... can we stop with the Michael Jordan comparisons now? I'll concede that Messi is the best soccer player in the world today. However he is not at the same level in soccer that Michael Jordan was in basketball. My proof? When did MJ miss a crucial shot at the end of a must-win playoff game? Oh .. that's right ... he didn't. I'm not talking about the Washington Wizards MJ. I'm talking about Chicago Bulls MJ ... MJ in his prime ... winner of six straight championships MJ. (I do not include his "I'm back"-returning-from-baseball cameo season. When he played a full season, the Bulls won six straight. End of argument.) Without googling, name a player other than Scottie Pippen on one of the first three championship teams. Crickets!! Other than Scottie Pippen and Dennis Rodman, who else played on the last three championship teams?? Jordan had Pippen and that was it. Messi is in his prime right now and has most of the best soccer players in the world on his team (Valdes, Pique, Puyol, Alves, Busquets, Xavi, & Iniesta are all in the discussion as best in the world at their position). He couldn't get it done when he needed to against Chelsea. He missed a PK!!! Jordan buried jumpers over whole teams, from Ehlo to Dumars to Russell. Messi is good .. he's not Pele. Only Pele is equivalent to His Airness. For you tweeters ... MJ = Pele >>>> Messi. Don't, don't, don't believe the hype!!

Obama Hype
President B-Rock Obama was on the Jimmy Fallon Show last night slow jamming Stafford Loans. Auto-tune the man please!!! His singing voice needs some help!!! So do some of his policies!!! However the sexual mis-adventures of the Secret Service can't be pinned on the Preezy of the United Steezy (thank you Jimmy Fallon!). For those of you ideologically blinded by political partisanship, the Secret Service agents are not appointed or chosen by the Preezy. The Secret Service is currently part of the Department of Homeland Security after being reassigned in 2003 from the Department of Treasury. Becoming a Secret Service agent is a career, not a political appointment. If anything people appointed by B-Rock (Mark Sullivan is the Director of the Secret Service) are doing their job in asking for the resignations of the individuals involved in the improper behavior. Unfortunately the political rhetoric of a campaign year causes lemmings the uninformed masses to believe whatever fictitious drivel comes out of the mouth of their favorite politician. Luckily for the more discerning political observer, FactCheck.org exists to check some of the more outrageous claims made by campaigning politicians. Bookmark it, use it, learn! Don't, don't, don't believe the hype!!

Old Lady Hype
On my way into school today, I was lazily munching on my morning Cheerio while tooling down Tylersville Road headed to I-71. As I passed through the school zone by Mason Middle School there was a series of beeps from a car horn. Howard Stern was interview a 17 year old kid who made a great song and video (NSFS ... look it up yourself!!) so it wasn't until the 7th or 8th beep that I decided to see what all the commotion was about. So imagine my shock when I discover I was the commotion!!! An old lady in a Buick Regal was honking and pointing at me!!! I immediately thought she must be a paparazzi spotter so I frantically searched for cameramen on motorcycles zooming up to get my picture. I mean I did have my stunna shades on and with my freshly shaved dome resemble Pitbull in my convertible. But seeing only backpack laden 13 year olds headed into school and mocha frappa sipping moms in SUVs, I relaxed a little but the honking continued. Finally I realized she was mad that I was exceeding the school zone speed limit!!! I was flying through there at 25 mph!!! Oh the humanity!!! But you can't flip off a grandma or Barney Fife, so I just kept on driving. My question to you, my loyal readers, is two fold: 1 - Have you ever been chastised for your driving behaviors by a fellow motorist when you were causing them no harm? and 2 - Would you ever honk at someone who was causing no harm by their driving? For those of you keeping score at home, my answers are Yes to #1 and No to #2. I'll freely admit to pretending to be Mario Andretti, Dale Earnhardt, Jeff Gordon, and Tony Stewart rolled into one behind the wheel. But one speed limit I try to stay close to is the school zone speed limit. Even though I think 20 mph is as outdated as N'Sync, I understand the logic behind the number. Driving 20 mph is hard though ... cars go that fast by themselves. So 25 is acceptable to everyone but the blue-haired lady in the Regal. Don't, don't, don't believe the hype you old blue-hair!!!

Reds Hype
Latos looked very good and the bats were alive. The Reds are now 8-9 which is still below expectations. I'm headed down to GABP tonight - weather permitting - to gather information on Dusty Custer and the boys. I'll report back tomorrow with my findings. Until then ... Don't, don't, don't believe the hype!!!!!

The WTFJH face ... you've seen it!!!

Welcome friends .. what can I get you today? On tap we have Mad Men IPA, RvP Pale Ale, Seth Greenberg Cider, and Mark Lyons Lager. Although I think some Walmart execs are going to want something a little harder than any of those liquid options. Never drink the water in Mexico!! Or bribe Mexican officials unless you have drug cartel money!! Lot's of initials to be served today (index at the bottom) so let's get to business and man is it good!!

I'm not sure how I'm going to keep today's entry appropriate for work or polite discussion because the 2nd most memorable Mad Men moment happened on Sunday night at about 10:20. On the NSFW (or in my case NSFS) scale, it's at the Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill level. By process of elimination I'll tell you it wasn't Megan Draper spitting sherbert venom at Don or a bottle of Stoli playing the Russian national anthem for RogerTimothy LearySterling. When Peggy told the random toker to keep his eyes on the screen and started working on her right hand dribble, I could feel the metamorphosis to WTFJH face rippling through my facial muscles. My slack expression and glassy eyes concealed the 16mm film (note to younger readers: 16mm was the type of film used to record my exploits as a youngster. 16mm predated VHS cameras. 16mm films were silent with colors like the Instagram app) of Peggy's character arc playing in my non-LSD aided mind. First season Peggy of the stodgy dress and concealed pregnancy has morphed into a full-fledged copywriter at SCDP! She has adopted the behavior of all the males, save Bert Cooper, in the office. From alcohol aided nights to afternoon delights, Peggy is indistinguishable from OD, Pete, Roger, Duck, Freddy or Joan. She certainly had a Grinch-after-raiding-Whoville smile of satisfaction as she washed random toker's DNA off her hands before heading back to the office to crash on Don's couch. WTFJH face stuck around a good three or four minutes while my mind wrapped itself around Peggy's Skinemax moment. (BTW .. Mad Men's most memorable moment was Don presenting Kodak's Carousel projector to end season one. Only E=mc2 and Jay-Z being the greatest rapper alive are more certain.) Thankfully Don's frantic call snapped me back to reality so I could witness Roger's trip. Except for some good special effects and Don telling Roger to go to the truth with his wife (The truth is he hates the %@*?& .. has since he married her. Jane Seigel-Sterling is hot but shallow. Although ... props to the person in wardrobe who picked out Jane's outfit for the LSD party. Bravo!), the rest of the episode tasted like chicken until Bert called Don out for being a lazy SOB. Satisfied Don is as interesting as Ryan Seacrest. Who watches American Idol anymore? Get my point? Don has been satisfied since he stopped chasing skirts. He hasn't had one good advertising thought since mid-way through season four. The only person at SCDP with enough juice to call Don out on his slump was Bert Cooper, and thankfully he finally pulled the trigger. Don has the jaw-dropping ability to be MJ times Kobe plus D-Rose. Peggy's ceiling is Jeff Hornacek. She can make some shots, but she never stops you in your tracks. Don needs to page Apollo Creed and get the eye of the tiger back, both in and out of the office. Far away places indeed!!

In jolly old England, RvP picked up his second major award in two days as he was named the 2012 Footballer of the Year by the FWA. There was a time when this award should have been named the Footballer of the Year by the AFC as the Gunners had five winners in nine seasons (Dennis Bergkamp in 97-98, Robert Pires in 01-02, and Thierry Henry in 02-03, 03-04, 05-06). However since Arsene Wenger embarked upon his pedo-reliant strategy, Arsenal players' award cabinets have been as bare as the clubs' (That sentence is grammatically mangled. I need to hire an editor!). But RvP has stayed healthy (knock on wood, but in a decidedly different context than Peggy Olson's knocking on wood) and has allowed his talent/skill to show up in the back of the net. RvP was known as a hothead who his teammates couldn't count on as a youngster. Now he is Arsenal's unquestioned leader and the rock which all of Arsenal's success is built around. If only the next two guys had learned these lessons.

Seth Greenberg and Mark Lyons have both dailed in Ricky Nelson on the radio and are headed for different pastures. Seth Greenberg was the mens basketball coach at VT until he was fired yesterday even though VT has been as competitive as ever in the ACC. Greenberg found himself under the bus for several reasons, not the least of which was a contract due to expire in 2013. Following the 2011-2012 season, every assistant coach, plus the DOBO, left Greenburg's staff for jobs at other schools. I'm not going to say such coaching movement is unprecedented, but even the Sanford City Police could see that this was a major problem. However the guillotine wasn't set until Greenberg skipped an important athletic department workshop to recruit. VT's AD had enough, and Greenberg's head rolled. Now VT is faced with finding a coach to compete in the ACC while keeping the payroll at level only Walmart could appreciate.

I'm not sure if Chris Mack had Ray Charles playing on his iPod during his meeting with Mark Lyons, but X's second leading scorer from last season will not return. I don't want to throw Lyons under the same bus as Greenberg, but his time at X has not been without incident. Lyons did more to provoke the Crosstown Beatdown than a North Korean missle test. He lost his starting spot due to an Allen Iverson practice episode, and angered his teammates and coaches with his Allen Iverson game impressions. He jacked up 27 more shots than Tu Holloway (X's leading scorer) and had a 1.3:1 turnover to assist ratio (as X's PG). To be fair, Lyons was recruited by Sean Miller before he disappeared into the desert (Arizona is Lyons' likely landing spot) and I'm not sure Chris Mack is as adept at handling players at Pancho Vill .. I mean Sean Miller. He is also on course to receive his degree from X this spring (Lyons was a redshirt his first year at X, so he has spent four years at the school). Lyons is a talented player, and his departure leaves X's starting line-up looking like Concourse A at CVG. Hopefully the young man understands his deficiencies, embraces change and has a productive 2012-2013 campaign.

That's all I got for today ... Below is the Rosetta Stone for my hieroglyphs.

NSFW = Not Safe For Work
NSFS = Not Safe For School
WTFJH = What The F Just Happened
VHS = Video Home System or video cassette based recording system
LSD = Lysergic Acid Diethylamide or slang Acid, psycholdelic drug
SCDP = Sterling, Cooper, Draper, Pryce, the fictional ad agency on Mad Men
OD = Old Don, Don before his current marriage when he tried to hook up with every female he saw
DNA = Deoxyribonucleic Acid, carries a person's genetic code
BTW = By The Way
E=mc2 = Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared, ask Einstein or Hawking
SOB = Son Of a Biscuit eater
MJ = His Airness Michael Jordan
RvP = Robin van Persie, center forward for the Arsenal Gunners
FWA = Football Writers Association in England
AFC = Arsenal Football Club
VT = Virginia Tech University
ACC = Atlantic Coast Conference
DOBO = Director of Basketball Operations
AD = Athletic Director
X = Xavier University
PG = Point Guard
CVG = Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky International Airport, located in Covington, KY

Is trimming a unibrow considered a part of proper male grooming?

What a weekend!! Lots of M's on the agenda:Mailbag, Men's Basketball USA style, Metta World Peace, Max's All-Star game recap, ManU v. ManCity, Mobbin van Persie ... okay his name is Robin but it ruined the pattern and set off facial tics in the OCD readers of the blog. One important M I'm leaving out today - Mad Men. Saving that gem of an episode for tomorrow. Just know one thing: WOW!!! So let's get it started!!!


Finally ... Bill Simmons ... has written a new ... mailbag!!! On a Monday no less!!! That is more moneyball than Tiger Woods in a cocktail lounge!!! Simmons is one of four current sports writers I would drop a baby to read (Paul Daugherty, Pat Forde, and Rick Reilly round out the quartet. Gregg Easterbrook is excellent as well, but he's not regular. Take some Metamucil Gregg!!). Some of Simmons' other writing is more technically excellent, but his Mailbags are raw stream of consciousness. He get's into Team USA - basketball variety today. Team USA is going to be loaded: Kobe, LeBron, D-Wade, Durantula, D-Rose, CP3, Melo, K-Love, and Tyson Chandler are his nine definite guys. His list after that is: Blake Griffin, Russel Westbrook, Andrew Bynum, Chris Bosh, LeMarcus Aldridge, Steph Curry, Eric Gordon, Andre Iguodola, Tim Duncan, Kevin Garnett and Unibrow Davis. Who do you pick? Simmons picks Westbrook, Garnett and ..... the Unibrow? A man is entitled to his opinion, even if he is as wrong as President Obama's Final Four picks. Team USA is missing a shooter and some size. While KG and the 'Brow give size (more on this in a minute), Westbrook is a serial bricklayer (42% FG, 33% 3FG). He pisses the mild-mannered Darantula off with his ill advised jacks .. how is Kobe or D-Wade or Melo (3 gunners from the womb) going to react after Westbrook takes his fourth horrible shot in a row. He's out! Steph Curry (49% FG, 45% 3FG, 90% FT) gets the shooter spot on my team. Stats and personality give Curry the edge. As for the 'Brow, you gotta be kidding me!!!! He was dominant defensively in college, but so was Adonal Foyle. Spain is going to be the main competition with the Gasol brothers and Serge Ibaka (who is really from the Congo but somehow gets to play for Spain). The 'Brow would get WORKED by all three of these guys ... maybe not in two years but today that's the fact. Offensively he has fewer options than a Yugo (info here for the younger readers: Yugo). Andrew Bynum gets this spot, even if he might go Metta World Peace on a poor Tunisian in a group stage game. For the last spot I go with Blake Griffin simply because I need to be entertained during blowouts. There are really only two teams who can play with the US in this tournament: Argentina and Spain. What better way to be entertained during blowouts than watching Blake Griffin catch 32309 alley-oops? I know, right? So that's my team ... who are you picking?

As for Metta World Peace (Ron Artest), you be the judge. Intentional? Accidental? Flagrant? Whatever your opinion, a long suspension and hefty fine await Metta .. straight cash homie.

Traveled to Columbus for the Ohio North-South All-Star game to watch Max Hassel play in his final high school competition. It was a great event put on by the Ohio High School Basketball Coaches Association. Max played well, and it was great to see several people up in Columbus supporting Max. Paul Woodson, a former Clark player, was my right hand man on the trip and told me he was going to verbally commit to Lincoln Memorial University in Tennessee. Max should be deciding soon where he is going to take his talents next season. He has been criminally under-recruited and is going to have an excellent college career wherever he decides to play.

Arsenal drew with Chelsea on Saturday morning to stay three points ahead of fourth place Newcastle United, six points ahead of fifth place Tottenham, and seven points ahead of sixth place Chelsea. Right after I posted Friday's blog about perennial Arsenal killer Didier Drogba, he was ruled out of the game through injury. Chelsea's attack would be headed by Fernando Torres, who scores about as often as Mister Rogers. Arsenal created a few chances, but could only hit the woodwork three times. Robin van Persie did score the Professional Footballers Association Player of the Year Award on Sunday night after netting 27 goals in Arsenal's 35 games this season. If Arsene Wenger takes his head out of the sand and signs some players to surround RvP, next season could see the Gunners back fighting for a title instead of being content with a Champions League spot.

The real soccer news this weekend was Real Madrid's 2-1 win over Barcelona, and Manchester United's 4-4 draw with Everton. Real's win clinches the La Liga title if anyone cares about La Liga (La Liga is about exciting as John Carter. Only two teams have any chance to win the title each year. It's the Yankees squared times 10. Boring!) The real excitement is now at the top of Premier League where only three points separate Manchester United and Manchester City for the top spot. Those two teams face each other this week at the Etihad Stadium (Man City's home stadium) in what will essentially be the title decider. For the soccer illiterate in the audience, a win is worth three points, a tie is worth one point, and a loss is worth a politically incorrect zero points. If two teams are tied, the first tie-breaker is goal differential (Man City is way ahead of United on goal differential). A City win puts them tied on points with United holding a large goal differential advantage. A United win puts them up by six points with two games to play. The game is next Monday, which means I'll be watching on DVR delay. Riot police have already been deployed (or should be). I'd keep all the women and children inside just to be safe.

The Reds split with the Iowa Cubs over the weekend in very uninspiring fashion. Still a lot of unresolved issues on Dusty's Last Stand. The Cubs are Bad News Bears horrible, but even Chico's Bail Bonds doesn't want their name sullied by the losers in Wrigley. The Reds face three tough pitchers in a row against the Frisco Giants starting Tuesday, so we'll see if the Reds offense is coming around or the Cubs' pitching was just that bad. At least I can look forward to six games against the Cubs and Lastros starting Thursday.

I leave you today with a short video clip of one of my bestfriend's son dunking. Clark's #1 Recruit He's an 8th grade doppleganger of his dad. Enrolling at Clark anyday now!!! Get your popcorn ready!!!

Get your lighters ready!!!

It's 4/20 Day today, hemp activists (or just smokers) rejoice. Maybe it's because I'm surrounded seven hours a day by 16, 17 & 18 year old youths crying out for social acceptance, but 4/20 Day in school makes Bernie Madoff look like an honest guy. I'm a socially liberal guy, so smoke 'em if you got 'em. If our government had any common sense, marijuana would be legal and taxed liked tobacco/cigarettes. Too bad the primordial DC ooze doesn't allow any thinking outside the box unless it involves new, creative ways to spend money that doesn't exist. Inside my box I just don't understand the hoopla around 4/20 Day. If you toke like Snoop Dogg, what's the significance? Are there discounts on dime bags today? The 4/20 special: 4 blunts for 20 bones? Do people who are not smokers suddenly see the calendar, catch a whiff of the stoner's celebratory toke and decide, "Today would be a great day to smoke some cannabis!"? I'm pretty sure that if you smoke today, you're going to smoke tomorrow, and Sunday and next Monday and so on. So is it really a holiday? I see it more like Administrative Assistants Day, which only matters if you're an Administrative Assistant. I'm also not sure why there isn't a White Lines Day, a Chasing the Dragon Day or a Toothless from Crystal Meth Day. We are in America after all .. no drug can be left behind!

I'm like that with a lot of holidays, real or imagined. I don't need a specific reason to celebrate things that I should be doing all year long ( and before you ask, no I don't smoke mary jane or cigs). I love my mom everyday, so Mother's Day isn't really a whole lot different for me. At least I know who started Mother's Day ... Hallmark!! I wonder who started 4/20 Day? Shaggy? Bob Marley? Wiz Khalifa? I only like to celebrate holidays that allow me to do something you can't do everyday or that everyone can't participate. I celebrate Christmas like Clark Griswold because Jews, Muslims, Hindus and Buddhists don't. It's not that I feel superior, it just makes me feel different and my life special. I get my lighter ready for the 4th of July hoping to light up as many fireworks as possible because the people in the United Kingdom don't. I go all Hannibal Lector on a turkey at Thanksgiving because people in Mexico don't. It separates me from others and makes my life different from most of the other 7 billion people in the world. I'm not saying I'm right, I'm just saying.

Now over to Champ Kind for the weekend sports report!

The Reds won yesterday in the Lou raising their record to 5-8 on the season. Good Bronson showed up and made life difficult for the Cardinal hitters. Of course it helped that Lance Berkman was out the line-up. Berkman eats Reds pitching better than Joey Chestnut at a hot dog stand and has for years. I never like to see athletes get injured. Just know there was no sorrow in the Reds bullpen when Berkman pulled  his sternocleidomastoid muscle (or his Achilles tendon but let's not split hairs!). All the hitters I bashed yesterday pounded the ball at about the same time I was pounding the keys on my laptop. Even Drew Stubbs had three hits ... and no stikeouts!! Believers in the Mayan calendar rejoice!! I quick trip up to Chicago for three games should be minimum two wins for the Reds. The Cubs are bad (which now means they will sweep the Reds) and have four or five Triple A players in their starting five. Time for the Reds to get healthier than Magic Johnson and start winning.

Across the pond, the Gunners have a London Derby against Chelski tomorrow morning at 7:45 a.m. It was reported yesterday that Arsenal was the 4th richest soccer club in the world behind only Manchester United, Barcelona and Real Madrid. Unfortunately the board spends less than Ebenezer Scrooge prior to his ghostly visits which has resulted in a tenuous 3rd place standing in the Barclay's Premier League. Chelski is one of Arsenals fiercest rivals, and have had recent success using a completely different business model. Russian Robber Baron Roman Abramovich has spent over $1billion since taking over Chelski in 2003 and has an impressive trophy collection to show for it. This season the Blues have struggled and fired their manager mid-season. Since then they have been on a major roll, making the FA Cup Finals and holding a 1-0 lead over Barcelona in the Champions League Semi-Finals. They trail Arsenal in the standings, so this derby will be massive. The Gunners are missing several key players through injury and need this win worse than an addict needs methadone during detox. A win and Arsenal can pretty much wrap up a top four finish and a seventeenth consecutive trip to the Champions League - Europe's richest football tournament. Without Mikel Arteta, the Gunners will have trouble controlling the mid-field and providing Robin van Persie with the service he needs to score. Expect Chelsea to boss the midfield like Steinbrenner and wear the Gunners out, scoring late through Didier Drogba to seal the win. Sad as it is .. that's my prediction.

Sunday I'm headed up to Columbus to see Max Hassel play in the Ohio North-South All-Star game. It's a great honor for Max and hopefully some colleges will wake up to his talent. He's a surefire Division 2 player and could probably push into some team at the Division 1 level. He's also been a great case study for player development in our program, going from 2 ppg as a freshman to 5 ppg as a sophomore to 12 ppg as a junior to 17 ppg as a senior. Along the way he lead our team to 58 wins in four seasons, two league championships, a sectional championship and a district championship. He's a winner and I hope all the fans and players who have watched him play understand his lessons. Good luck Max!!

It's the freakin weekend baby, bout to have me some fun!!! See you Monday!!!

Warning: Scandalous Info Inside!!

Twitter was lighting up over the weekend with news that Bob Huggins, head mens basketball coach of the West Virginia Mountaineers, was presenting drunk at the Nike Championship Coaches Clinic at Robert Morris University. It's never a good idea to step up to a podium drunk, especially if the people noticing that you're slurring more than a blacktopper are nursing hangovers with their fourth Advil or second Bloody Mary (you choose - both work!). So HuggyBear must have been over the top, which is unsurprising for those of us who remember his turn as Otis ... and head mens basketball coach ... at the University of Cincinnati. Not to say that Huggins didn't do great things at UC, he did. He, more than any other figure, was responsible for UC getting into the Big East and forcing the other athletic programs at the university to improve rapidly. Huggs played fast and loose in Cincinnati though with enough tales of public drunken escapades and barely concealed extra-marital affairs to fill the Shoemaker Center/Fifth-Third Arena (which would be the first time its been filled since 2005). His health has been an issue in the past, and for a while he publicly proclaimed he was taking his physical condition seriously. He lost weight, dressed sharply in three-piece suits and then ... he swallowed a turkey!!! Whole!!! Have you seen what he wears for games these days?? Track suits!! The ultimate fat-man apparel ... and believe me I know. And so what if Huggs decided to hit the town in Pittsburgh ... take advantage of the clinic's open bar ... hit up a strip club ... and then present. It happens ... ask the Secret Service.

Speaking of which, a Secret Service agent's yearly salary starts around $50K and goes upward of $115K. And for the people in charge of the President's security, how were they unaware that Columbian women are Level 1 (the highest rating possible) on the Bat-Shit Crazy Scale? Just google Juan Pablo Montoya and jet dryer to see what you're dealing with when messing with Columbians. This knowledge alone should have been enough for every Secret Service agent in the Southern Hemisphere to pool some money and pay the girl what she wanted to leave quietly. I say girl because according to a Secret Service source, there was some confusion about whether she was "a girl" or "a prostitute" due to the language gap (and the two bottles of Absolot vodka they consumed during intense, hard negotiations). Classic mix-up right there. Hopefully the Secret Service is better at identifying would-be assassins in a crowd than Pretty Woman wannabes in a Columbian club. In the meantime Mr. President, I'd stay inside the Beast!

The Reds are more disappointing by the day, which means soon they'll break out the pickaxes to tunnel through rock bottom. Not since Geraldo Rivera tried to open Al Capone's vault (or Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens teamed up as Batman and Robin) has a team so spectacularly failed to live up to early season expectations. Yes I realize it's a small sample size in a long season, but where is the turnaround? Yes I understand you can't win a division in April, but you can lose the division in April. Couple stats which are more ominous than the Mayan Long Calendar: In Dusty Custer's last three seasons in Chicago, he went 89-73, 79-83, and 66-96. Last two seasons here in Cincinnati for Dusty? 91-71 and 79-83 ... see what I'm getting at for this season? The team is batting .211 for the season, which means Brook Jacoby - the hitting coach - better do his best Columbian escort imitation and start earning his money!! Do you know who Brook Jacoby's prized hitting pupil is and the main reason he was promoted as hitting coach? The Big Donkey Adam Dunn, who is currently terrorizing the American League with a .195 average after last season's stellar .159 average. That's like promoting John Kasich to Governor because Lehman Brothers did so well ... oh wait .. that happened too. Dusty Custer said yesterday on the Big One "we keep preaching, but it's not happening" (thanks Oak!). When a group of 7 year old's after birthday cake and ice cream listen better than a group of highly compensated professionals, there is a management problem. There is also a management problem when the players who give the team the best chance to win are not playing. Chris Heisey is better than Ryan Ludwick and Drew Stubbs by almost every offensive measure. Defensively he is not going to cost you games either. Todd Frazier had a better spring than Willie Harris and Wilson Valdez to earn a trip to Louisville. Decisions like this erode confidence in a manager, especially a manager who looks at sabermetrics the way most of us watch Ghost Hunter or Finding Bigfoot. Dusty says he manages by feel, so let's hope he has a Nomex uniform because his butt is fully in the fire!

My age is showing & I'm not talking about wrinkles or Depends

I remember this happening on my birthday in 1984. I always thought that the Columbia was the coolest of the space shuttles since it was the first to fly, but the Challenger and the Discovery both launched on my birthday in back to back years (83-84). In 1984 I had just started 7th grade a week earlier at Vail Middle School (where are my other Bulldogs at?) and this particular year my birthday was right before the Labor Day weekend. Now if you'll excuse my Kevin Arnold moment (from the Wonder Years for those younger readers .. great show ... go watch it on tv.com), 7th grade was a really big transition for me. I left my neighborhood elementary, rode a bus to school for the first time, and for the first time ever my bestfriend wasn't in my class. I did however have a sweet pair of kicks - Ilie Nastase Adidas that you can check out below. Some girl tried to borrow them in gym .. I didn't let her!! Nobody .. and I mean nobody .. messes with my kicks!! I enjoy relapsing to my youth more often than Lindsey Lohan to alcohol, so the retirement of the space shuttles in 2011 hit me like a three day bender. It's just another reminder that I'm getting older and the tangible parts of my youth have gone the way of the passenger pigeon ... relegated from the general public to museums (btw .. Martha, the last passenger pigeon, is commemorated by a small statue at the Cincinnati Zoo). Yesterday was the final, pubic emasculation of the space shuttle .. strapped to the top of a 747 with its thrusters encased on an aerial parade route to the Smithsonian. Might as well have called it the "Space Shuttle's Final Flight starring the Eunuch Discovery!" At least now I understand how people older than myself remember the final days of Willie Mays or Johnny Unitas. When something so awe-inspiring is turned regular and is stripped naked of its majesty, there is no joy. There are places I remember ... all my life, though some have changed.

On to more pressing issues ... and by pressing I mean newsworthy. The parents of a six year girl in Georgia are upset the police handcuffed her daughter and transported her to the police station after a tantrum at school. Yeah .. tantrum .. and Katrina was a storm. I'm unclear about what started the 'tantrum', but I do know that during Salecia Johnson's monsoon of misbehavior she threw toys and books at students and at least one teacher, tore a frame from the wall, knocked a self over which struck the principal, and used a paper shredder like a backyard trampoline. She then refused to calm down once the police arrived and continue to struggle and argue with the responding officer. How would you, as a professional educator or police officer, handle this situation?  At what point does protecting the others around Salecia become more important than traumatizing Salecia with a handcuffed ride to the police station? To hear her mother and grandmother describe the scene, the Milledgeville police went all Abu Ghraib on this innocent kindergartener. The pictures of Salecia in the media look as dangerous as a mogwai. I would like to see what she looked like during her gremlin-like tantrum. Using the distorted image from pop media culture's funhouse mirror, some people are trying to compare what happened to Salecia to what happened to a hooded adolescent walking down a street while drinking an iced tea and munching on a bag of Skittles. Just like an aggressive paparazzi should expect a punch from Mike Tyson, people - regardless of age - who misbehave should expect consequences. When you endanger other people by physical actions, you should expect physical restraint to protect the surrounding people. This wasn't "Police Gone Wild!" This was a poorly parented six year old damaging items and people.

 The President yesterday announced new regulations aimed at oil speculators. Most of what he had to say was drowned out by the noise of a low flying 747 with the Eunuch Discovery strapped atop as it circled Washington, D.C. ... or was it the deafening roar of our hard working Congress that made what Obama said hard to hear? The only thing more popular than the President attacking the bifurcated Wall Street/Big Oil devil is Justin Bieber at a 7th grade dance. The only problem - along with the the legal issues of Bieber around girls under the age of 16 - is that we don't have a crude oil supply problem in this country! US oil production is the highest it's been in 8 years, and last year we were a net oil exporter for the first time since 1949!!! The problem is with the oil companies themselves shutting down refinery capacity in the United States due to several factors. US gasoline consumption has decreased every year since 2007 and will only continue as more fuel efficient vehicles continue to hit the road. The 'new' sources of oil in the US and Canada, shale or sand oil, are much heavier than West Texas Intermediate or Light Brent crude oil and require all new systems at the refineries to produce gasoline. Another key factor is the explosion of gasoline consumption in Brazil, India, China and Saudi Arabia. A refinery in one of those four countries provides a much higher profit margin than a refinery in the United States. As for the Keystone XL pipeline, it will bring in the oil from Canada but who will refine it into gasoline?? In the meantime I think it prudent to continue providing close to $4 billion in tax breaks to the big oil companies, like Exxon-Mobil, which made upward of $40 billion in 2011. Baby, baby, baby .. oooohhhh .. I thought oil'd always be cheap .. cheap.

Maj. Gen. Dusty Custer's troops were one short again last night. George Custer was killed on June 25th, and at the current pace Dusty will need more than cavalry to keep him posted till then. Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Louis Braille, and Helen Keller would pose a bigger threat to opposing pitchers than Rolen, Bruce, Stubbs, and Chryan Ludsey. Teflon Johnny Cueto danced out of more trouble last night than Slick Willy Clinton, but living Johnny Dangerously isn't going to keep him in many games going forward. It's hard to be angry with a bullpen that gives up one run in three innings, and Tony Randazzo's strike zone resembled the behavior of the J-Woww, Snooki, Pauley D, and Vinny. I know it's only 11 games into 162. Dusty Custer said the same thing last season. How'd that work out? I know I'm in the minority here, but I didn't have a problem with Dusty holding Marshall or Chapman out in the 10th inning. On the road you need to have someone close out the game, and the pitchers he sent out there are guys you DON'T want on the hill in the bottom of the winning inning. Mat Latos gets the ball tonight. The bats need Pedro Cerrano, a live chicken, and some incense ... or just say FU Jobu and do it for themselves. Come on Red Legs!!

Open gym had 17 players yesterday. Great turnout, and our younger kids are getting better each time I see them. As Dean Smith once said, "the best thing about Freshman is that they become Sophomores. Except Michael Jordan, he is already good enough." Or something like that.

As promised earlier, here is my 7th grade shoe swag!! Ilie Nastase baby!! Hasta manana!!

People are strange ...

when you're a stranger ... faces look ugly when you're alone. It's a Door's/Jim Morrison kind of day, like its time to break on through to the other side. So with that, we're off!

Bill Simmons, @sportsguy33 on Twitter, has quickly become one of my favorite writers. I know he's an author too, but I prefer to read his musings on sports and life. Nothing lights my fire like his mailbag, which I usually salivate over in a manner similar to the Bumpuses' bloodhounds snatching the Parker's Christmas turkey. Fa-ra-ra-ra-ra ... ra-ra .. ra .. ra. Unfortunately his mailbags are becoming as rare as a hairy nosed wombat. So Bill, if you're reading, the time to hesitate is through! No time to wallow in the mire! Get a Mailbag out!!!!

His newest creation is Grantland.com on ESPN.com, and it's a cornucopia of great sports/life/pop culture reading. Here are two nice pieces, one on Mad Men and the other on Downton Abbey (which if you're not watching, you're not cool. Just sayin.)

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/47778/mad-men-power-rankings-episode-505-signal-30

Thoughts: Don is the Wilt Chamberlain of the series (in more ways than one!) so to ever rank him somewhere other than #1 is to revisit Karl Malone winning the 1997 NBA MVP award over His Airness ... and you know how that turned out! Lane Pryce knocks out Pete Campbell using Everett Ulysses McGill's bareknuckle skills and jumps up to #2. I credit his rise to kissing Joan Holloway. Anytime someone who looks like Lane kisses someone who looks like Joan (even though she quickly put an end to Lane trying to love her two times), there's gonna be a bump! In the rankings of course.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/47793/egads-maggie-smith-to-decamp-from-downton-abbey

Thoughts: It's too bad Professor McGonagall is going to be leaving the series. But let's be honest, she's already a Dame (the female equivalent to a knight in the UK), she has FU money from her days at Hogwarts, and she's stolen enough scenes in Downton's first two seasons to make D.B. Cooper proud. If the rumors are true, adieu Dame Maggie Smith! A dog with a bone, an actress out alone ... riders on the storm.

BTW ... British newpapers are pretty much just tabloids masquerading as journalism. Don't believe me? Google the cellphone tapping scandal which continues ... or look up the reporting on the on marital indiscretions of Wayne Rooney or Ryan Giggs. You think you would find articles like that in the New York Times (all the news that's fit to print!), the USA Today, the Wall Street Journal, or the Cincinnati Enquirer?

Oh, the Gunners lost yesterday to Wigan. Typically soft parade performance from the Gunners. You know, one scintillating moment (Touch Me) in an otherwise forgettable performance (Name another song from that album! No googling allowed!!). I could go on about the officiating - Wigan wasted more time in the last 80 minutes of the match than Congress debating the Buffet Rule (like it was going to pass ... Republican's voting to raise the taxes on the rich .. good one!). But it's more about the poor performance of the Gunners, at home, to a relegation threatened team. That I left Johan Djourou off my list of surplus players yesterday was galling, at least as bad as his slow jog back from an Arsenal corner which lead to Wigan's first goal. If Aaron Ramsey's form was any poorer, he'd be Haitian. Arsene has yet to understand the concept of needing four exceptional players at each central defense and central midfielder positions. Injuries, suspensions, and poor form require players in the middle of the pitch who can perform. Sadly, Arsenal doesn't have enough of those players. Okay, enough of my British English, this isn't Beatles day!

The Reds open up a three game set with the Cardinals tonight. Johnny Cueto is on the hill against Kyle Lohse. It's all about the bats in this series, and pretty much every series for the Reds. Their pitching will be good enough over the course of the season. But outside of Votto, Phillips, and Bruce who is going to hit? Dusty needs to light some guys on fiiirrrrreeeeee and get on a roll!

Good basketball workouts last night to start the offseason program. 11 guys in the gym working hard to get better. Back at it today!! On a side note ... the AAU program's that use our gym are an unpickable wedgie. No matter how we try to adjust our schedule, they just stay up our butt. It's one thing to be accommodating, it's another to be taken advantage of by a group with different goals than your own. The gym at Clark exists for Clark athletes, not as a way to pad the paychecks of the non-profit (ha .. ha) AAU coaches.

The Cougars are going to make the scene week to week, hour to hour, day to day!!! Break on through to the other side (of the MVC)!!!

 Now you know ... Yo Slick ... Blow!

Come on down!!!

Let's make one thing clear ... 320mgs of caffeine cause thoughts to bounce around my head like a chimpanzee after a keg of Red Bull. Thoughts flit in and out of my head at shooting star speed so it helps to get them down as quick as possible. So buckle in and get up on the wheel .. this is gonna be fun.

What will I write about? Great question ... in a nutshell everything. I consider myself somewhat of a Renaissance man, a jack of all trades who masters none. I prefer civil discourse so I can follow Socrates advice and examine my life. One thing I do not examine is Pinterest .. sorry. You'll hear a lot about basketball and sports, a heap of politics and a smidgen of popular culture. I'm sure my kids will make an appearance. My 'friends' stories are true, only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Spelling, capitalization and punctuation is subject to George W. Bush's English - pronunciation subject to change.

Quick bio: father, teacher, coach, friend, music/movie aficionado, reppin 1972 and southwest Ohio, carefree until basketball gets involved, socially liberal - fiscally conservative, American, equalitarian (GWB's English remember!), and Ken Cosgrove/Ben Hargrove/Dave Algonquin wannabe (hence the blog).

And we're off .... First up, Mitt Romney's 'hot mic' incident. Ummm .. it's not an incident. We should eliminate several cabinet departments. The federal government was never intended to be as large as it has grown today. The federal government's rapid expansion in the early 1900's (when first the Progressives - think Woodrow Wilson, a Republican - and then the Democrats -when FDR co-opted all the Republican ideas into the Democratic Party and beat Hoover in the election because the economy hadn't recovered from the 1929 Stock Market Crash even though FDR basically used Hoover's policies to enact the New Deal) has created the modern behemoth. But more troubling is the redundant nature of some departments. Several could be consolidated or eliminated, among them the Dept of Education could merge with the Dept of Health & Human Services, Dept of Energy could merge into the Dept of Commerce (along with the EPA, the Small Business Administration, the US Trade Representative and the Council of Economic Advisors),  and the Dept of Transportation into the Dept of Housing & Urban Development. Of course, the President has a better chance of winning the Powerball than contracting Cabinet-level departments even though the Cabinet is nowhere to be found in the U.S. Constitution. The Wholly Mammoth couldn't survive a warming planet, and the U.S. Cabinet should face a similar fate in the face of an ever growing federal deficit/debt.

The current weather conditions in Cupertino concern me as much as the lives of the Kardasians, Brangelina, Snooki, the Situation, and the rest. End of discussion ... and reality TV.

Mad Men/The Killing/AMC Drama is to Reality TV as wildebeast is to spotted tree frog. I wait for Sunday nights like an unemployed alcoholic waits for the first of the month. The aura of relaxation begins at the shows start time, and by the time the first strains of the theme song hit my eardrum I've released enough dopamine to be fully lifted into a high def trance. If only I could get hired at Sterling, Cooper, Draper & Pryce, I too could use Pete Campbell's face like Rocky used a side of beef in 1976. The best tv shows remind us of important human characteristics. Everybody has warts if you look close enough, and digging around in the dirt only gets you dirty. Personal morals are a sliding scale gray which other people tend to look at in black and white. I am ready for the Killing to be solved, and still am trying to put together what happened on Rubicon. Breaking Bad isn't on my DVR list, but I hear it's pretty good tool.

Can someone at Time Warner please get the online DVR manager fixed by 2:00 PM so I can record the Arsenal v. Wigan match today??? A win today and the Gunners are all but assured of Champions League football next season .. which considering the start to the season is amazing. Hey Silent Stan!! Get Arsene to invest some money in the squad so the Gunners can compete for the BPL title again!! Drop the dead weight (Almunia, Squillaci, Diaby, Arshavin, Vela, Mannone, Denilson & Bendtner), pay RvP, and improve the squad!!

The Reds are 4-6 after 10, 3 games back of the Cardinals with a 3 game set starting tomorrow in St. Lou. Reason for concern?? Here's my three pennies worth (btw .. did you know it costs about 2 & a half cents to make & ship a penny? The government loses money coining the penny!!! Super inefficient government at its best!!!). 1. Tractor-trailers travel up the cut in the hill faster than Scott Rolen's bat moves toward fastballs. He might as well walk an invitation out to the mound inviting teams to pitch around Votto - who in my opinion is the best hitter in the MLB. 2. Drew Kingman ... errrr Dave Stubbs ... uhhh Drew Stubbs is in a mental labyrinth Daedalus couldn't design. Unless Dusty Baker or Brook Jacoby can channel their inner Theseus, Stubbs will remain a minotaur with all the tools to be a terror quietly locked away in centerfield. 3. Aroldis Chapman is the best pitcher on the Reds staff.

Basketball workouts start again today. If I could, I would coach basketball full-time. Independent wealth has escaped me, I enjoy teaching, and my bills are mostly paid right now ... so you gotta do what you gotta do to do the things you really love doing. I guess I should mention that I'm a basketball coach since the blog is just called Coach Kerr. Creativity escaped me at that moment with all the other marbles rolling around inside my head. I'm looking forward to seeing what this team can accomplish in the 2012-2013 season. We've had some success the past couple years, but that team is gone and we're building up from the groundfloor again. Time to get on it.

Hey Janice ... great talk!!