Kudos Rob Portman!

******** WARNING ******** Short blog today ... it's Friday ... that's rule #1. I also don't get paid to write these timeless examples of fine literature, so I'm under no obligation to write everyday .. that's rule #1. But the world keeps on ticking, ticking .. into the future ... so there are interesting things going on even when I'm short on time. So I gotta write something .. that's rule #1!

******* WARNING ******* Politics ahead. Not deep politics but politics nonetheless.

Key Republican turning point or just a Republican anomaly?

Rob Portman, Republican, junior Senator from Ohio, Terrace Park resident, former U.S. Representative and key participant in writing the last balanced budgets for the Federal government, today came out in support of gay marriage. In a previous reality, Sen. Portman had been a major opponent of gay marriage at both the federal and state level. But recently that pesky little thing called 'changing personal circumstances' intruded upon Sen. Portman's political beliefs. He son, Will, rocked Sen. Portman's Republican social philosophy by announcing that he was gay. Sen. Portman undertook an odyssey which would have made Ulysses proud over the next two years consulting with pastors and other religious leaders, Sen. Mitch McConnell (KY) and former Vice President Dick Cheney. From a personal standpoint, Sen. Portman immediately supported his son. However it took him a while to make the policy shift from personal to professional support for gay marriage. (I'm not willing to give Portman a complete pass on not immediately coming out in support of gay marriage. He was angling for the Vice Presidential nomination, and not goose-stepping to the Republican drumbeat of 'no gay marriage' would have doomed his chances. As it happened, he was already too moderate for the Republican party because he had at one time worked together with Democrats ... the Tea Party would never have approved!) He is now the 2nd highest profile Republican - behind former VP Cheney - to come out in support of gay marriage. What's the connection between Dick and Rob changing political views??? They both have children who are gay and want their children to be happy.

As I announced the other day, I am socially liberal. I'm also a card-carrying Presbyterian, which has fundamentally shaped how I view the working of a 'church'. I have given much thought to the issue - well at least as much thought as my ADHD brain can give. Here's where I landed. Marriage has two aspects - legal and religious. My religious beliefs do not allow me to say gay marriage should be sanctioned by any church unless the members of the church agree based on their interpretation of God's word. Presbyterians are big on group decisions and allowing the members of the church make the rules for each church. However from a legal standpoint, there should be no discrimination toward gays who choose to enter into a contract to share assets and inheritance. People are people and they should all have the same rights regardless of age, race, gender or sexual orientation. If history has taught us nothing else, it is that people desire equality and the recognition of basic human rights.

I applaud Sen. Rob Portman for deciding to support all people, regardless of sexual orientation, to enter into a legal contract of marriage. I would have preferred it didn't take a family member's sexual orientation to make him see the error of his political ideology. I wish other Republicans would see the inherent inequality in denying a segment of the population the right to enter into marriage. They are really shooting themselves in the ballot, but the Religious Right would never allow support for gay marriage to included in the Republican platform. By denying gays equal rights, Republicans are alienating a substantial chunk of voters who might otherwise support Republican initiatives.

Okay ... enough already ... next week I'll discuss the controversy brewing in the Reds training camp. Aroldis, Aroldis, wherefore dost thou pitch??

Peace!!!!

Ain't nobody got time for Pi!!!

Step aside ... heads up ... move outta the way people!!!! Geniuses at work!!!! My MacBook is back from the dead!!!! The friendly Geniuses at my local Apple Store just called to say my MacBook is repaired and ready for pick-up ... just about 14 hours after I dropped it off to repair the damage I someone caused to it Tuesday night.

On a side note ... I've gone all-in with Apple. In my estate, I now have two iPhones, two iPads, one iPod (for my youngest son) and one MacBook. I'm ready to buy an AppleTV cube so I can stream videos from any of those devices to my TV. Five years ago I never would have considered having anything more than an iPod, preferring instead to cast my lot with Bill Gates when it came to my personal computing needs. But once Verizon got the iPhone, I became smitten with the Apple bug and desired all the shiny toys from Cupertino over everything else. So what's the next step in personal technology??? When do those appliances from the Jetson's start showing up in stores??? I think the Jetson's was set in 2062 ... I'll be 90 by then ... hmmmmmmmmmm ... maybe I would prefer Dr. Emmett Brown's DeLorean ... It went to 2015 ... and I'll only be 43!!! 43>90 in my mathematical world!!!

Speaking of mathematics, apparently it's Pi Day today ... you know ... 3/14. Excuse me if I'm a little confused, but doesn't Pi have an undetermined absolute value? If so, how do we know exactly when Pi occurs on the 3/14? Furthermore, how did the Greeks, Romans, Arabs, Egyptians, Indians, Mayans and Incas develop such precise circular measurements without knowing the exact value of Pi? If these ancient Geniuses - not be confused with my local Geniuses - didn't need to know the true value of Pi to be successful, why do I need to know Pi's true value? If I don't need to know the true value of Pi, why did I waste all that time in Geometry? True wisdom is knowing the difference between what you need to know and what you know at this moment in time. So here's what I know ... the only Pi I like is strawberry .. and pumpkin .. and pecan ... and black walnut .. and cheesecake. Best Pi scene in a movie? Probably the kitchen scene in American Pie followed by the pie Andy Dufresne got from the warden in Shawshank Redemption. Best Pi scene on TV? Ross Perot's 1992 Presidential campaign TV spots with pie charts followed closely by Aunt Bea's pies on the Andy Griffith show. 

No politics today friends, I got my weekly rant out of the way yesterday. So instead it's time for a little sports talk .... 

It's Free Agent Season in the NFL, so let's examine this hypothetical situation. You are the owner/general manager of the team with the largest amount of salary cap space in the league. You've been to the playoffs in two straight years and three of the last four years, but haven't won a playoff game since 1991. You have big-time needs at a couple positions: 2nd wide receiver, safety, linebacker & interior o-line. A change-of-pace running back would also be a nice upgrade. Do you:

A) sign several of your own free agents, including your punter, long-snapper, kicker, and two defensive ends

B) franchise tag one of your defensive ends

C) sign the free agent All-Pro safety from the team who lost in the Super Bowl

D) sit on your piles of money because you own the team and it is the main source of your wealth even though  the last labor deal put a salary floor in just because of your repeated use of only 75% or so of the available salary cap (most of which is provided by TV & merchandising contracts shared by all NFL teams - in other words it doesn't cost you a penny to make it to the salary cap), but you know the salary floor rules don't apply yet since it is spread over several seasons

E) sign no players of any consequence and say, "That was our plan all along!"

If you answered C, you would be talking about the owner/GM of a team who was serious about winning and you would be INCORRECT!!! We're talking Daddy Mike Warbucks Brown here .... ain't nobody got time for free agents!!! Daddy Mike Cheapskate doesn't make deals unless he has the upper hand, and he doesn't have the upper hand early in free agency. Daddy Mike Losingest General Manager/Owner in NFL History will wait until all the players who are in demand have signed elsewhere and then swoop in like a turkey vulture to pick the bones of desperate for $$ free agents. Remember Terrell Owens .. did anybody else want him? He got cut by the Buffalo Bills for crying out loud before bringing his nuclear waste-like toxic attitude to Cincinnati, played one season, got hurt and was last seen in the Arena League. The answers here are clearly A, B, D and E. If you've ever gone to a festival/carnival and tried to play the midway games (the ones that are rigged so you always lose but still have a little bit of hope because they look so easy to win so you willingly throw good money after bad trying to win a goldfish in a bag ... yeah ... you've been there too!), then you know how most Bengal fans feel during free agency. Daddy Mike I hired David Shula just needs a little bit of hope to sell tickets, and he's already got that in AJ Green & crew. August in Ohio makes it rain more than Daddy Mike Never Gonna Measure Up to Daddy Paul. Oh well ... at least we have the Redlegs!!!

I'm off to get my MacBook from the local Geniuses .... everybody have a great day!!!

The Death of Republicanism

I broke my MacBook last night which made completing this fine reading impossible. I love my iPad, but typing anything beyond the Tweet limit resembles a Chinese Fire Drill for your fingers. Hopefully the geniuses at the Apple Store in Kenwood can repair what my careless hands destroyed. If not I'm going to spend like I'm the U.S. government because I'd rather buy 5 new MacBooks and go ig'nant ... I know Paul Ryan gonna kill me but let me finish ... blame it on technology, we livin no limits ... them Steve Jobs shiny toys were just a figment ... of our imagination ... look around my crib ... sorry, back to Paul Ryan.

Paul Ryan, fellow Miami '92 man - yours truly is a Miami '95 man ... Love and Honor!, released his newest budget proposal for the U.S. government yesterday. Unlike Miami's famous Beta Bells, which ring out over the campus on special occasions, Ryan's budget sounded more like a death knell for the Republican party as a factor in the changing American demographic reality. It's well known that Ryan believes in an Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" vision as a societal goal, and his new budget shows what the United States of Atlas would look like on HGH, EPO and steriods. This potent cocktail of performance enhancers allowed Lance Armstrong to win some bicycle races, but I doubt Ryan's Rand budget will win anything on Capitol Hill. Taking a closer look at Ryan's budget, here is what you get - of course according to his figures which seem to be something he found down the rabbit hole in Wonderland: $5.7 trillion in spending cuts over the next ten years (more on these numbers in a minute), no cuts to defense spending ($711billion per year - or 41% of the world's total military spending - or more than the next 17 nations combined - or 6 times the amount of the next highest military spending nation) or Social Security, changing the food stamps requirements, reforming our income tax code into two categories (10% or 25% depending on income level) and eliminating almost every tax deduction, repealing Obamacare, reducing Medicare to a voucher system to buy private insurance and lowering the corporate tax rate by 10%. Paul's math is fuzzy on most of these items, and he fails to mention that simply by repealing Obamacare, keeping the tax increases from the fiscal cliff negotiations and turning Medicare into a voucher system you would save $5.43 trillion over the next ten years. That leaves about $300 billion in spending cuts over ten years, or $30 billion per year , or $70 billion less per year than the sequester cuts. So really his budget plan is all about one thing, and I'll let him tell you what it's about. "We're not going to give up destroying the health care system for the American people." What's that .. you can believe Payn Raul said that?? Well .. straight from the horse's mouth .. heeeerrrrrrreeeeeeee'ssssss Pauly!

Before I go any further into my discussion of politics, here is a brief history of my political affiliations. I was born into a working-class family. My father bounced around from job to job and my mother was a secretary. I wasn't poor, always had clothes to wear and food to eat, but there wasn't a lot of extra money laying around in the couch cushions. My family was decidedly Republican, so it was a happy time when first Ronald Reagan and then George H.W. Bush occupied the White House for 12 years. I despised Slick Willy Clinton .... until he out-Republicaned the Republicans. Republicans love to talk social welfare reform, Slick Willy did social welfare reform (TANF). Republicans love to talk about reducing the deficit, Slick Willy eliminated the deficit!!! (Maybe some of you forget the $230 billion surplus he left W. Bush .. remember the surplus ol'W squandered into a $420 billion deficit eight years later!!! That's a $600 billion swing!!!) Republican's like to talk about reaching across the aisle. Reagan was bi-partisan, so was H.W.. Slick Willy loved to reach for things ... especially Republican cooperation. All three had to out of necessity. All three Presidents were leading America toward something greater - away from the decline which was the 1970s and back to being a place where the American dream could come true.

Herein lies my problem - and reason for my disassociation - with the Republican Party. There is no room for moderates in the Republican Party anymore. The 'modern' Republican - i.e. the Tea Party psychos or Religious Right wackos - clings to the belief that wealthy white people should run the country and if you are not white or wealthy then the deck should be stacked against you. Exhibit A, your honor: 16 House Republicans attended Ryan's presser yesterday. 14 men and 2 women. All white. All wealthy before including their $174,000 salary for serving in Congress. The idea that people can 'make it' is no longer part of the Republican plan. If you haven't already made it, then you're never going to be in the cool kid's club. Ryan's budget reflects this idea: caps on Pell Grants to help poor kids - like I was once upon a time - to get a college education, reducing the amount of subsidized student loans available for poor kids - like I was once upon a time - to get a college education, taking away basic medical care for the uninsured and retired by eliminating both Obamacare and Medicare, turn Medicaid over to the states to administer through block grants - switching the tax burden from the federal to state level -, removing millions of underprivileged people from food stamps and cut all discretionary spending by the federal government by another 5%. Who does most discretionary government spending impact? Disproportionately it impacts the underprivileged by cutting block grants for pre-school education or Title I educational opportunities (DOEd), reducing housing assistance (HUD), eliminating unemployment insurance and job re-training for workers who have been laid-off (DOL). The Republican party's hope is that people will buy into their 'self-sufficiency' myth .. you know, the one espoused by Mitt Romney and his 47% speech. It's easy to buy 'self-sufficiency' if you are self-sufficient. However what about those people who are not self-sufficient and lack the skills and resources (money, child care, training) to become self-sufficient? If it is true that you put your money where your priorities are, then the 'modern' Republican has no interest in developing self-sufficient citizens and would rather create second-class citizens. There are the rich - which I am not a part of and many of the people who are currently reading while shaking their heads are either - and there is everyone else. And I haven't even touched social issues yet!!!!!

 Now I would never criticize a fellow Miami man without having a plan of my own, and let me tell you ... it's a doozy!!! I am fiscally conservative and socially liberal, and the Kerr Party budget reflects these ideals. Some of you will call me unpatriotic, some will say I am weakening the nation Lt. Caffey style ... but it's really just the reality of cutting spending. In 2000, the U.S. military spent $288 billion and we had the strongest military in the world. Adjusting for inflation that means military spending today should be in the $385 billion range (China - the next highest military spending country - spent $143 billion last year, so we're still 2 & 1/2 times ahead of them. Spare me the 'our country will be weak and attacked by terrorists' BS scare tactic please!!!). Hey Paul Ryan ... I just saved $3.26 trillion over the next 10 years (current spending $711 billion minus $385 billion = $326 billion .. no fuzzy math here!!). The Congressional Budget Office - the non-partisan accountants for Congress - says Obamacare will reduce the deficit by $110 billion over the next 10 years ... I'll take it. Now were at $3.37 trillion for 10 years. The tax rate changes from the fiscal cliff negotiations give another $700 billion over 10 years and I'm keeping them, bringing my total saved to $4.07 trillion over 10 years. I'm closing in on Paul Rand and I haven't even shrugged to look at closing tax code loopholes or tinkered with our social welfare system. More importantly I haven't disproportionately impacted the underprivileged who need the government's help to become self-sufficient. Do there need to be changes to our social welfare system? Of course. Is there money to be saved from our social welfare system? Of course. But there are other ways to cut the deficit and eventually the debt. You just have to be divorced from the $$$ that runs Washington. Oil $$$, Military $$$, Medical $$$, Gun $$$ ... that's who influences the laws/budgets far more than you or I. So I, leader of the Kerr Party, nominate Rudy Giuliani as our candidate in 2016. He'll be a little long in the tooth, but not much more so than the Great Communicator himself.

White smoke is puffing!! Time for me to go and see who the next Pope will be. Have a great afternoon!!

Anybody know when the next Halley's Comet is?

I'll settle for seeing Comet PANstarrs, but Mother Nature hasn't been cooperating so far. If you are a stargazer like me, Wednesday night will provide a great opportunity to see PANstarrs just after sunset. The comet will appear between the crescent moon and the horizon, assuming there are no clouds, trees or houses  obscuring your view. The old ball coach says, "Go outside and look to the heavens!! Viewable comets don't come around very often!!" Enough of the daily educational portion of the blog .. back to our regular programming.

Under the category labeled DUH!!!, researchers at Puke Duke University found women to be grumpier in the morning than men. Really? You don't say? I have collected anecdotal evidence on this topic for years, although I was not contacted by PDuke about my research. Any male who has wiped sleep from his eyes with a woman at his side can testify, under oath, about the validity of this research. Don't believe me?? Try this little 'research' technique ... next time you are waking up with your wife, girlfriend or random bar/Craigslist/ashleymadison.com/grocery store hookup other female friend at your side, wake her up suddenly and take notes on her response. Unless you are served breakfast in bed 20 minutes later, there is a 92.75% probability you'll be chalking up her response in the "Grumpy" category. I'm not sure why women are grumpier in the morning ... maybe it's because in their dreams all us men look like the Calvin Klein Super Bowl ad model and in reality ... we look like the Calvin Klein Super Bowl ad model!!!! Well ... I can only speak for myself, but I'm definitely not chiseled from stone ... I'm chiseled from Graeter's - chocolate chunk please! Alas there is a technique to alleviate this grumpiness, and a study out of Germany confirms my research on this topic as well!!! Since this blog is PG, I'll sanitize the results as best as possible. Intimacy of the carnal variety - at any time of the day - can relieve headaches and brighten moods through the release of endorphins. There are two very important outcomes from this research for men. 1. You can turn her frown upside down with a quick horizontal mambo. 2. No more accepting the "I have a headache' excuse. Before you let your significant other reach for the Bayer aspirin (thank you Germany!!), tell her you have a better home remedy. Sometimes science is such fun!!!

Correctly match the following - feel free to draw lines.

A - PSY

B - Kim Jong Un


North Korea today announced they were voiding the 1953 armistice which ended the fighting on the Korean peninsula between North and South Korea. The North's decision was a response to joint military exercises between the United States and South Korea taking place currently. North Korea is prone to grandiose delusions of military greatness and clearly didn't pay attention to the results of the U.S. - Iraq ballgame a couple years ago. It's another attempt by PSY Kim Jong-Un to puff out something other than his cheeks - I'm talking about his chest people .. get your minds out of the gutter!! - for the state-controlled cameras in the North and show the hardliners in the KPA (Korean People's Army) how tough he is. He may want to stop writing checks with his chipmonk-cheeked mouth that his army can't cash before the United States goes all Gangnam style on North Korea and stomps another dictator into the history books. Not that I am ever in favor of military intervention as a first resort, but when you threaten nuclear attack you are clearly asking for the MC sledgeHammer. The only other Korean most Americans know - PSY - was smart enough to know ... Can't touch this!!! Kim Jong-Un better ask somebody before it's Hammer Time!!!

Speaking of Can't Touch This ... can we get to baseball's regular season already?!?! This World Baseball Classic thing needs to go the way of the Dodo bird. The U.S. of A took out the powerhouses Italy and Canada, but was shellacked by Mexico. They've moved onto the second round now against the Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico and Italy (who-a knew-a Italians played-a baseball anyway???) I could care less!!! Unless their jersey's say REDS or CINCINNATI across the front, baseball is about as fun to follow as a tooth extraction. Of course some pundits/fans/fanatics are concerned about the Reds form so far in Spring Training .... HAHAHA!!!! The 'Red' - and I say that tepidly since these guys are more like Bats or Blue Wahoos (the Reds AAA and High AA teams for those of you not familiar with the Reds farm system .. I'm not obsessed or anything .. no worries!!) - with the most plate appearances is Emmanuel Burris. Name his position and win fabulous prizes!! Anybody wanna guess the Reds' pitcher with the second most innings pitched so far?? Wait for it ..... Wait for it ..... Bueller ..... Bueller .... Clay Hensley .... who??? Isn't he a country singer??? My point exactly!! When Shin-Soo Choo stands in against Jered Weaver of the California Los Angeles Anaheim Irvine West Covina Mission Viejo Angels on April 1st I'll start to worry about scoring runs and getting opposing hitters out. Until then I give Maj. Gen. Dusty Custer a pass on all in-game managerial decisions and results. Enjoy the calm before the storm Dusty!!!

That's all for today ... stop back later this week for another exciting installment of ... TSTGOINH!!!

Coming soon to a cafe near you!!!

Drones!!! So I composed a haiku .. or a sonnet .. or some type of poem .. not sure about the type. I didn't pay a whole lot of attention in the poetry units in 9th and 10th grade.

Drones, drones everywhere,
Raining bombs down from the air,
Who they kill we do not care,
There's enemy combatants everywhere!!

Didn't take me 13 hours to get my point across!!! Take that Rand Paul!!! According to the Attorney General, you have nothing to worry about if you are a U.S. citizen on U.S. soil and you are not a combatant. However if you are a U.S. citizen on U.S. soil who also happens to be a combatant, there may be a weaponized drone - see above - coming your way!!! And if you're not on U.S. soil all bets are off!! Keep your eyes on the sky and your ears free of wax people, these drones don't give much advance notice. Of course what exactly you are combating isn't defined ... so if you are combating broadcast decency a la Howard Stern - a drone is coming for you! Beware Janet Jackson of the next time you slip a nip - that buzzing you hear is a friendly, weaponized drone. The war on good rap being waged by Trinidad James definitely should qualify for a drone visit. If every member of the U.S. Congress and Senate  is combating 224 years of successful American democracy, can the President eliminate all 535 of our elected combatants representatives? Please say yes Eric Holder!! Surely Alex Jones is a combatant!! He's revealing all the secrets of the New World Order and Illuminati at the same time. DRONE HIM IMMEDIATELY and can you please make sure his drone attack occurs live on his radio show - he needs the ratings!!

Surely I jest, but the real issue is how much surveillance and enforcement America is willing to tolerate in an effort to remain safe and secure. Motivation through fear is a common tactic of governments around the world, and which American's aren't scared of terrorists? Just in the last fifteen years there have been major scares which altered our collective behaviors, from Y2K to 'Killer Bees' to SARS to Bird Flu to a zombie apocalypse in Miami, FL. After 9/11 the PATRIOT ACT was rammed through Congress and allows unprecedented levels of surveillance on U.S. citizens without a warrant. It's one thing to have to take of my shoes to get onto a commercial airliner without a warrant, it's another to allow my phone to be tapped without a warrant. Unfortunately those lines of privacy are increasingly being blurred under the guise of 'protection' from the evil-doers (sorry .. couldn't resist one of my favorite George W'isms!). How many times a day are you - yes I'm talking to you! - captured on a 'security' camera? At the ATM? In the mall? At Kroger? In school? At the gas station? Driving down the street? It doesn't end with video surveillance. You should all feel safer knowing I have to provide my account number at 5th/3rd bank when I go to exchange my candy sale change for bigger bills - wouldn't want me to be confused with a money launderer for an obscure bald-headed terrorist organization! Who makes the decision about what defines a combatant? Was Timothy McVeigh a combatant and could he have been stopped by a drone strike before detonating his truck bomb? What about Adam Lanza? Was he a combatant and could a drone have blasted his car on the way to Sandy Hook Elementary School? No one - least of all me - would object to having evil-doers eliminated before they can do evil. The question I can't answer is where the limit is on the government's power to declare an evil-doer as a combatant. No judge or jury is involved in the process, no affidavits are filed and no one must testify under subpeona when a person is declared an enemy combatant. No 4th, 5th, 6th, 8th or 14th Amendment protections apply if you are a combatant according to the Attorney General.  Anwar al-Awlaki can testify to the lethality and efficiency of drone attacks on U.S. citizens who are declared combatants ... if dead men could tell tales.

In a semi-related note, a judge in Cincinnati struck down a village ordinance in Elmwood Place allowing the use of cameras to catch speeders in the village. Rejoice common folk!!! It's a rare victory against the man for all mankind!!! So speed away in Elmwood Place and hope the Ohio General Assembly outlaws the use of all speed related cameras in Ohio.

On a tangent to my last point, does anyone ever drive through Terrace Park, Mariemont and Fairfax? I drive through those three fine villages everyday from October through March and I see more cars pulled over for speeding on Wooster Pike/US 50 in those three small municipalities than I do anywhere else on my daily drives. Either the police in those three villages have nothing better to do are very vigilant about speeding or it is a shameless money grab for the three villages' Mayor's Court (grammatically butchered that last part .. there's blood on my fingertips!!). The village of Arlington Heights used to do much the same on a small stretch of I-75 until a judge in Cincinnati put the kibosh on their practice. One of the reasons he cited for his cease and desist order was use of the Arlington Heights Mayor's Court to dispose of all the citations. If Arlington Heights can't use its Mayor's Court to deal with moving citations, why can Terrace Park, Mariemont and Fairfax? Ummmm Mr. President, could you hold off on the Alex Jones drone while I give him a call to investigate this riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma!! I have a theory, but it's very conspiracy-ish!!! Any Cincinnati judges live in Arlington Heights??? (stir the pot, stir the pot, stir the pot!!)

The finals of the .... YAWN .... World Baseball Classic start today. Sixteen teams have ... eehhhhh ... qualified? for the finals. I can't wait for the thrilling Spain v. Brazil game ... where's Marty??? Does Spain v. Brazil qualify as a titanic struggle??? A bunch of Asian teams are represented, along with several from Latin America. Good thing there's no age limit in the World Baseball Classic they have to follow!!! Danny Almonte who??? This is the third World Baseball Classic .. none of which has been won by the U.S. of A!!! Therefore it's not really a sporting event. If the U.S. hasn't won it, it doesn't count!! Except for the World Cup .. that counts. But the Rugby World Cup??? Doesn't count. The Cricket World Cup??? Doesn't count. The Lacrosse World Cup??? Doesn't exist. The Olympics??? We dominate .. it counts .. except for those equestrian events and ping pong .. they don't count. The only good thing the World Baseball Classic ever did was destroy Easy Edison Volquez's elbow, which eventually turned into Mat Latos who is currently 3434099989 times the pitcher Easy Eddy V is!!! So that counts as a good thing. The Vottomatic One is playing for Team Canada, and Dat Dude is playing for Team USA. I think Alfredo Simon is pitching for some Latin team too. Hopefully all three return free of any niggling injuries. The Reds are talented but thin .. and I'm not talking about Jared from Subway thin. A quick glance at the Reds bench players shows you just how far it is from Bench - the Johnny variety - to The bench - GASP variety. You think the Fiscal Cliff was steep??? Just hope we avoid the WAR Cliff!!! (For those of you who are unaware of advance baseball metrics, WAR is Wins Above Replacement. The higher your WAR, the more valuable a player you are. The Vottomatic One's WAR last season was 5.6, Dat Dude's was 3.5, Jason Donald's was -.3 and Jack Hannahan's was .7. If you don't know who Jason Donald and Jack Hannahan are, just hope you never have to find out!!!)

Okay peeps (the marshmallow version of which turns 60 today!) I'm out for the weekend. Lot of basketball on tap for me!! I hope you find something you value and pursue it with vigor this weekend!!

Snowpocalypse!!!

"Heart-Attack Snow Falling Across Broad Swath of US" trumpeted the headline on nbcnews.com ... Where's Jay Leno's jaw when you need it? Replaced by Jimmy Fallon apparently .. Who knew snow now causes heart attacks? I thought only yellow snow was dangerous. Frozen flakes will arrest your heart and you will DIE people. Help me 8 lb. 6 oz infant baby Jesus. Save me from the frightful flakes!!! Sorry ... I digress. With a mainstream media requiring all news to be triple, double, extra melodramatic, even a light (3-5 inches) snowfall can be described as a killer. And you wonder why people flood grocery stores (yes .. i still believe in grocery stores over supermarkets or lifestyle centers or any other store where you buy groceries!!), line up at gas stations, and drive 18 MPH on highways. These fluffy flakes are killers people!!! If you don't prepare for the Snowpocalypse you will DIE!!! As you're taking your last breath tonight while being slowly entombed in your snowy coffin, remember I warned you!!!!!!!!!!!!

27 days till Opening Day ... I think. If you don't know what opening day I'm talking about then you're not from Cincinnati!!! Couple interesting reads in the Enquirer today about Joey Votto away from baseball - visiting Italy and looking for cappuccino when he's on the road (no truth to the rumor his real name is Jean Girard even though he is from Canada and half the people up there are French .. and yes I know only Quebec is French and it's not half of Canada ... relax!!! The Alex Jones portion of the blog is later!!!) - and Dusty Baker ramping up production of his wine making business. What any of that has to do with winning baseball games is beyond me and that's all I care about when it comes to the Reds. Perhaps I've turned a little cynical, but the personal lives of athletes don't really interest me. Maybe I've seen too many instances of athletes who were held up as role models turn out to be tortured souls (R.I.P Ryan Freel). Athletes are human and prone to human failings. The area of their greatest skill involves a ball or puck and a lot of hand-eye coordination and muscle memory and fast-twitch muscle fiber. None of their greatest skills involve being a person on a pedestal. That being said there are a bunch of guys on the Reds I think it would be fun to hang out with away from the GASP (Great American Small Park for all you new readers - nickname for Great American Ball Park). Votto is pretty high up the list, but Dusty Baker - known in these parts as Maj. Gen. Dusty Custer - would be a cool cat to hang with for a night. I imagine him in a smokey lounge listening to a jazz flutist piping away on stage, a Don Draper Old-Fashioned in one hand with a cigar in the other while recounting the time he met Mick Jagger before a concert at Candlestick Park in 1972. His baseball philosophies might boggle the mind, but his eyes have seen many sights and he would make a great storyteller. David Dewitt "Homer" Bailey probably has some good 'guy' stories ... I mean he went to Africa killed a lion with a bow and arrow wearing a loincloth (well maybe wearing more than a loincloth .. I made that part up for melodramatic effect!!). Dr. Bronson/Mr. Arroyo would mesmerize you with his six string skills floating down the mud-stained beautiful blue Ohio River on the Nasty Hook. Smokin' Todd Frazier is from New Jersey ... everybody from New Jersey has some good stories in them, usually mod-related. Plus he saved a guy using the Heimlich!! Imagine taking Broxton to Montgomery Inn ... it would look like the Flintstones were in town with all the naked ribs he'd leave lying around!!! Now win some games, a pennant and maybe a World Series before I shuffle off this mortal coil.

A disturbing trend in the mainstream media is for wackos with a bully pulpit to be given prodigious amounts of airtime because they capture the all important rating share. It was bad enough when Rush Limbaugh, Keith Olbermann and Glenn Beck somehow were considered 'experts' on every facet of the America - pop culture, politics, the economy - but Alex Jones is Andre the Giant compared to those Lilliputians. For those of you unfamiliar with Alex Jones, I'll give you the Cliff Notes version (lucky for you there is not a test - every teacher included one question from the book which wasn't included in the Cliff Notes .. not me though. I'm a benevolent dictator in the classroom and blog!!!). Alex Jones believes everything is a conspiracy to control you. I think he watched the Truman Show, decided people might believe it was really possible since 99.9999% of us cannot leave the Earth and started spouting off theory after theory about how the New World Order mysteriously marionettes all of our lives. It's like the Illuminati on HGH and EPO and any other chemical Lance Armstrong used to defraud us!! I'll give you a brief run down on the conspiracy theories Alex spouts on his radio/internet/YouTube shows (which have a larger audience in all three formats total then Rush and Glenn combined!!! scary hugh!!): 1993 Branch Davidians seige was the murder of a peaceful David Koresh and his followers (he later spearheaded a fundraising drive to rebuild the Branch Davidian church), 1995 Oklahoma City bombing was orchestrated by the U.S. government to put down a growing state's rights movement, 2000 U.S.S. Cole attack was designed by the U.S. government/military-industrial complex to increase the military presence in the Middle East, 2001 9/11 attacks were masterminded by George W. Bush to increase domestic surveillance, 2012 Sandy Hook Elementary shootings were organized by the government to take away everyone's guns. And that my friends is your mind on drugs!!!

Enough for today peeps ... gotta beat the people who think it's going to snow and are going to drive very carefully in the drizzle just in case the drizzle turns to killer snow or ice in an instant!!!

Ice is back with a brand new invention ... well not new but improved!!

Like Fawkes in Harry Potter arising out of the ashes of a lost basketball season, the blog is back!!! As anyone who has ever attempted to get into my head can attest - several trained professionals are standing by now to provide testimonials!! - several months without emptying my head of a dizzying array of ideas is like allowing North Korea and Iran to get nuclear weapons. Oh wait .. that is happening. Unstable minds want to know what's going on up there before they see a mushroom cloud, and I'm more than willing to oblige.

But where to begin ... hmmmm ... always a tough one.

I'll take season recap for $200 Alex.

For those of you who are unaware, I am - among my many other avocations - a high school basketball coach. Most people would argue it is the definition of insanity to entrust your self-worth to a group of 14, 15, 16, 17 and 18 year old boyz2men, especially willingly! Four months a year I trade this temporary insanity for the endorphin rush a big win can provide and the pride in watching boys morph into men before you very own eyes. I'm not into herion or cocaine - or meth for that matter - but all three are probably healthier long term than the stresses brought about by trying to corral thirteen different personalities and skill levels into a cohesive unit. This past season presented a unique set of challenges I hadn't encountered in coaching before. We graduated eight players and had another player transfer out of school from the 2011-2012 version of the Clark Cougars, leaving behind a core of four players who had received meaningful playing time. The season's prospects were about as bright as Mitt Romney's during our summer league trying to integrate new faces into the mix, and early November practices didn't do much to lift the specter of a Mitt-like performance (you know .. around 50% or .500). A season opening loss to Madeira by two points, a drubbing at the hands of Summit Country Day and a surprising loss to Cincinnati Country Day staggered the Cougars out of the gate and dropped our record to 2-3 with a daunting run of games ahead. The answer to our malaise came from a source as unlikely as Jed Clampett's bubblin' crude - our alumni. In a Saturday morning practice which will go down in infamy, a copious amount of running was mixed in with a scrimmage against eight or nine former players ... and the results were about as pretty as the Walking Dead. Current players dropped like meteorites from the Russian sky under the relentless pressure of past players who had lived Clark basketball and weren't going to watch it fall off after they left. It's quirky how the great basketball programs work like that .. and even quirkier how the players who still wear the jersey want to make the 'old-timers' proud. What came from the ground after that shot in the dark astute coaching move was a 13-4 rampage to close out the season and a 2nd place conference finish behind the #1 team in the state Summit Country Day. The defense ramped up to the suffocating level, holding opponents to under 50 PPG on average. The offense did enough to win games, often times doing our best Johnny Carson impression by putting on a late show of fourth quarter heroics. A first round tournament romp over Williamsburg, followed by an alley brawl victory against Finneytown set up a showdown with Madeira in the Sectional Finals. Vince McMahon couldn't have scripted a more intense cage match than what transpired that Friday night at the Cintas Center. Four quarters and two overtime periods later, our season was over. Madeira bookended our season with losses and ended what was one of my most enjoyable seasons ever as a head coach. We had strong leaders, hard workers and a never-say-die mentality which carried our team far beyond their individual talents. I'm going to miss all our Seniors - especially David Burt, Jr. David was around for 53 wins in his three years as a full-time Varsity player, two league championships, a sectional championship and a district championship. You don't get to coach many kids who win like David did and his loss will leave a Grand Canyon sized gap in our team. Aaron Toney, Mecca Bosley and Kenny Thornton were among the hardest workers I have coached and set the tone everyday in practice. The returning players will need to get their lab jackets on to concoct such a potent mix of leadership, hard work, skill and sacrifice to get the Cougars back to the lofty heights we reached this season. And now I can finally exhale for a month until I get back into my hardwood laboratory for off-season workouts.

Before I go I would like some feedback from the peanut gallery about our season goals - I had enough feedback from our coaches fans in the stands to develop a very thick skin, so fire away. Here are our season goals (22 game season remember): 1 - Win 12 games ASAP. 2 - Finish top 2 in our league. 3 - Play in March. The rationale behind our goals is as follows. 12 wins guarantees us a winning season which begins the path to goals 2 and 3. I think we should always be in the top 2, if not win, our league despite the competition we face. And playing in March means you are playing for a Sectional Championship, District Championship, Regional Championship or State Championship. Ponder for a while and get back to me ....

Until then I bid you adieu and hope to parlez avec vous demain!