Thursday, May 17, 2012

A Cat Fight, Minorities and the Treadmill Effect

Nothing eases the pain of losing Wisteria Lane to history (HEY!! Get your hand off my Dude Card ... I've never watched Desperate Housewives .. not even the day I thought someone replaced my sphincter with a hose and I spent all day seated on my ceramic throne passing muddy water!) like a real life cat fight!!! No .. it's not Jennifer Aniston versus Angelina Jolie (moneyline: Aniston +2100, Jolie -1700) .. this time it involves some old hags!!!! In the red corner you have the Queen Elizabeth of England and in the yellow corner stands Queen Sofia of Spain. Sofia has the advantage of younger legs and quickness (73 years old), but Elizabeth counters with much more power (86 years old and head of England's royal family since 1952). Their dispute centers on a finely chiseled eunuch currently sunning himself in the south of Spain. Queen Elizabeth has him in her bed and Queen Sofia wants him back. No ladies .. I'm not talking about Enrique Iglesias (although I have heard he's a eunuch!!) .. I'm talking about the rock known as Gibraltar. Will we see hair pulling, screaming, claw marks, clothes flying and nip slips (Whoa .. sorry .. I was thinking about Aniston v. Jolie .. not the geriatric queens)??? Even better!!! Queen Sofia is going to skip tomorrow's festivities in London celebrating Queen Elizabeth's Diamond Jubilee!!! Imagine the stare down over tea we're going to miss!!! Queen Sofia shouting, "Que no es tan malo, Liz ... que no es tan malo!!" to her distant cousin as she passes by in her processional. The pay-per-view would be huge for the 'Brawl at Buckingham'!!! England has only possessed Gibraltar for 300 years (62 years before the U.S. declared its independence from George III), so it may seem odd to Americans to continue fighting over a small scrap of land. Royal grudges die hard and nothing packs a punch like publically snubbing an invitation to the Monarch's Ball. Oh the uplifted noses knocked out of place by such a breach of etiquette. Tsk-tsk!!

On our side of the pond, minority births surpassed little white babies for the first time in our history. By itself it's not earthshaking news, but it does sound a harbinger for the future racial/ethnic make-up of the United States. Currently 36.6% of the U.S. population are minority groups (16.7% Hispanic, 12.3% African-American, 4.8% Asian), and by 2040 it is estimated the minority population will be 50%. I'll be 68 if I survive long enough to see a holographic Dick Clark welcome in 2040 and probably be wearing Depends while being spoon fed strained peas so I won't care (unless the Ohio General Assembly continues to push the retirement age for teachers up). For my loyal younger readers, you will be moving through an America with very different political and social underpinnings not seen before in recorded history. Never has a country without a single ethnic majority managed to stay united, and especially not one with several large ethnic/racial splits. I hope our nation can move beyond racial/ethnic divides and show the true potential of democracy, but the current partisan nature of our political climate makes my dream look more pie in the sky than possible.

No current issue illustrates this toxic partisan climate than the spending decisions now being debated on Capitol Hill. Speaker of the House of Representatives and West Chester, Ohio resident John Boehner broke out the 'default' rhetoric yesterday by tying an increase in the debt ceiling to spending cuts and no increase in taxes. It's just another example of Washington looking at reality through Salvador Dali's lens. And before I get accused of targeting Republicans, let me make one thing clear: It's all politicians in Washington (and the $3.5 billion per year in lobbyist perks they rake in) who are to blame. We the people currently have a $15.7 trillion debt and will spend $1.2 trillion more this year than we will collect in tax revenue. Boehner says cut spending??? Our mandatory - required by law for those of you who didn't pay attention in government class - spending virtually equals our nation's tax revenue ($2.3 trillion revenue - $2.2 trillion mandatory spending). Our politicians would have to cut ALL discretionary spending in order to stop our debt from continuing to spiral toward Buzz Lightyear - to infinity and beyond!!! Discretionary spending includes the $665 billion in defense spending - more than the next 22 highest nations combined! Boehner also doesn't want to eliminate the George W. Bush tax cuts, which have lowered federal revenue by $4 trillion since they were instituted in 2001. The only politician who has put forth a plan to reign in spending is Miami University alumnus and Wisconsin Republican Representative Paul Ryan - Love & Honor to Miami, Forever and a Day!!! But his 'Roadmap for America's Future' couldn't even make it out of the committee he chaired. So back on the treadmill we go, chasing our budgetary tails while high minded Republicans and Democrats spend our country toward bankruptcy. It's sad when I have to look to Slick Willy Clinton - and his willy is allllwwwwaaaayyyysss slick!! - to find a President who worked with Congress (Republicans and Democrats) to pass sensible budgets and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity.

Rant over. On to rosier topics ....

The Reds pulled a victory out against the New York Mets last night. I had the over/under on Reds' runs at 1, so imagine my dismay when Joey Votto channeled Toby Whitewood in the 6th inning and allowed the Mets to score two unearned runs to take a 3-1 lead. Mike Leake-runs-at-an-alarming-rate (7.71 ERA heading into the game) pitched very well after taking five finger discounts advantage of the great shopping in New York city and deserved better than a no-decision. Smokin' Todd Frazier went downtown in the 7th and 9th innings, and the Reds' bullpen went Public Enemy Shut 'em Down style in the later innings. Aroldis 'He's Right Where We Need Him' Chapman was Bo Jackson on Techmo Bowl untouchable, and both Jose Arredondo and Sean Marshall imitated the Cuban Missle while making a couple Mets' hitters look foolish. The Dustrator said after the game there are no plans to move Chapman into the starting rotation ... something I discussed yesterday. As I pound away, the Reds are currently leading the Mets on a Vottomatic HR in today's matinee thriller at Citi Field.

Okay .. That's all folks.

P.S. Donna Summer did not survive. RIP

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