The woodwork is always revealing ...

Especially following tragic events .... and no I'm not talking about my computer crashing as I was finishing up yesterday's blog. Scrolling through my Facebook and Twitter feeds yesterday I saw many people genuinely concerned with the events in Boston, however I also saw the ugly side of racism and bigotry from the cockroaches lurking in the intolerant baseboards of society. Social media is both revealing and reviling, instant and ignorant. Misery loves company may be cliche, but social media provides ample evidence of its veracity. Yesterday's bombing in Boston is the continuation of domestic terrorism America has suffered from since its inception - and yes many of those events come with their own conspiracy theories Oliver Stone! This attack is not the beginning of the end of America, nor will it be the end of attacks in America. Boston will do what America does best - regroup, learn, move forward! The strength of America resides in the spirit of the people ... and no group of people or attack against people has ever been able stop the American spirit. This event will be no different!

Now then ...

Show of hands .... who had one of these bad boys in the early 80s? Me ... me ... me ... me!!!!! This fine piece of cutting edge technology provided an exhilarating rush of adrenaline as I dodged oncoming red blips with my blinking red blip on an inch wide screen. I could track those blips for hours - or 20 minutes when the battery went dead! Fast forward - and it definitely feels like fast forward - to 2013 and the government is asking for cell phone video and pictures from spectators to shed light on the Boston Marathon bombing. Kind of takes Crimestoppers to a whole new level, doesn't it? Technology has seeped into every crevice of our lives to the point we take for granted that someone hanging around a marathon finish line might have today's Zapruder film. My Sunday night viewing habits transport me back to eras where technology hadn't yet entwined its tentacles around the human existence. Sunday night's Mad Men exposed the differences between today's digital world and the 60s Stone Age in a variety of ways. Don Draper's flashbacks to living in a whor ... um .. brothel with his mother, Dr. Rosen taking a call on a restaurant's phone line (I'm sure he had to leave a number where he could be reached in the event of an emergency) and Pete's horrible attempt at an neighborhood affair could have been Norman Rockwell paintings of 60s technology if not for the illicit happenings which followed. The return of Don Draper, serial adulterer, continues to dominate the storyline which suits me just fine. Don is better when he prowls around in the pre-GPS equipped cell phone 60s. Instead of discreet text messages he simply forgets his cigarettes after the good Dr. exits the elevator and returns to his married mistress's apartment. Speaking of the good Dr. ... he really needs to plan his emergencies better or he'll need an OB/GYN on call! Imagine the shock when the baby has a full head of Don's hair! Brylcreem keeps Draper's coif in perfect order which is much preferred to the slime oozing off of Pete Campbell's existence. Pete has tried to be Don since the first episode without possessing any of Don's suave. He impregnated Peggy, sexually assaulted a neighbor's nanny, had an affair with Beth Dawes (his real life fiance - seriously. How a guy who  looks like Vincent Kartheiser ends up with a girl like Alexis Bledel is incomprehensible to me. My buddy has a theory and it involves a horse. You figure it out!) and is now trolling the neighborhood for fresh blood. Each of these sexual conquests had all the grace of a new born giraffe. It was a matter of time before Pete's inability to think with the correct head would catch up with his recklessness. PTrudy (and don't think Matty Weiner didn't name her Trudy on accident!) may be slow on the sex talk uptake, but she's not imperceptive to a bloody backdoor blonde showing up in the middle of the night. Newly free in the big city screams "Pete Campbell jailed for rape!" in a headline ... the only question is the victim. The only missing link to a great Mad Men season (besides more Joan Holloway!!) is the return of Don Draper in the genius role. Mad Men was compelling because Don was an advertising savant - always knowing exactly what people wanted - despite never knowing what he wanted. It's really the story of human existence - keeping the facade in great shape while what's inside is crumbling. Can't we all relate to that situation?

Enough for today ... tomorrow it's Reds recap!!!

Let's say I'm a major league pitcher ....

my arm/shoulder gets sore ... the team tells me to see the doc ... should I trust Doc Hollywood AKA Dr. Kremchek? Some people call Dusty the 'Widowmaker' for his propensity to destroy pitcher's elbows and shoulders (Robb Nenn, Mark Prior, Kerry Wood, Edison Volquez are commonly cited examples) ... well then what do you call Doc Hollywood after the 3rd Reds pitcher (Ryan Madson, Nick Massett & now Sean Marshall) in 53 weeks had an arm injury misdiagnosed? Doc FrankenMRI? The Cincy Scalpel? Dr. I'm-not-James-Andrews? Dr. Strange-eyes? Doogie Howser? I haven't even gotten to Joey Vottomatic's screwed up knee injury from last season which has turned Vottomatic into Ichiro without the on-field stretching routines (or unneeded interpreter & throng of Japanese media). So for those of you counting, that's three bullpen guys and a franchise 1st baseman Doc ____________________ (it's a fill-in the blank answer ... duh!!!) has left caddywompus in a year!!! Whatever Doc Hollywood - his preferred name, not mine - is paying the Reds to keep his title/job isn't enough to justify missing out on the Reds window to be one of the top teams in the Major League. There is a perfect MLB storm brewing for the Reds to be exceptionally good right now and for the next couple (2-3) years. The Yankees & Red Sox have tightened the purse strings after the arms race of the 2000s and both are vintage - great for wines, poor for post-PED baseball players. (Side note: Do you see a huge coincidence in the relative decline of the Yankees and Red Sox since the PED scandal was exposed and new PED enforcement strategies were implemented? Not only did both teams have juiced payrolls, the had juiced players! Anyone who doesn't see the coincidence is either blind or Bud Selig.) The Dodgers are set for a revival, but buying your way to a title takes time ... ask the Los Angeles Angels of **Your SoCal city here for the right amount of $$** or Miami Heat. The Cardinals are depleted by age and injuries to key pieces, the Mets are still dealing with Bernie Madoff financial fallout and the Braves ... well they are the Braves (How many championships did they win in the late 90s when they should have been cleaning up titles? 1? With 3 HOF pitchers? Holy Bobby Cox Batman!) If the Reds are going to win their 4th World Series in my lifetime, they need to do it in the next two seasons. The red window slams shut faster than an Aroldis Chapman heater after 2015 ... unless PEDs become permissible again and Reds Country shows up in droves (3.5 million or more) to GASP. The salary structure after 2015 is as sustainable as our national debt, and Bob Castellini didn't become a multi-millionaire by losing money on the regular. To have the big guy's desire to 'bring championship baseball back to Cincinnati' derailed by medical malpractice is a bigger travesty than Barry Bonds' hat size. It's time for the Reds medical staff ... cough, cough, Dr. Kremchek, cough ... to get things right, players rehabbed and back on the field ASAP! Championship level means everything at championship level ... including the hot tub!!!

Cool video from my favorite college in the country: http://miamioh.edu/features/love-honor/index.html

The Silly Season/Coaching Carousel has been swinging like Drew Stubbs the past couple weeks in both college and high school basketball. It's always interesting to see how positions get filled and also leads me to question what constitutes desire to improve or move up in the coaching ranks. I was drawn to coaching like Col. Sanders was to white jackets, black bow ties and fried chicken. Unlike Col. Sanders, my recipe wasn't a secret. I knew the formula ... pay my dues, coach freshman, JV basketball, spend a couple years as varsity assistant and then become the top dog. There were several times where I almost destroyed the formula like I did back in Mr. Gardner's chemistry class - POOF! - but I managed to find myself sitting in the 1st chair on the bench right about the time I thought I should get there. First top job I found myself in had me changing the formula like Heinz ... 57 varieties of things I never thought a head coach would have to worry about suddenly  were on my plate. The biggest alteration to my head coaching formula: FIT. And that's where some of these hires have me scratching what little hair I is atop my head. In my not so humble opinion, the only time a coach should leave a position where he FITS is if he thinks he has taken that program as far as he can. Jim Larranaga is a good example at the collegiate level as is David Moss in the Cincinnati high school ranks ... their teams couldn't achieve much more and it was time to move. In a similar vein I wouldn't have batted an eye is Brad Stevens or Shaka Smart left for gr$$n$r pastures. However bigger isn't always better, and moving to a bigger school isn't always a sign of ambition or lack thereof. My ambition is to take Clark to Columbus at the end of March. I wouldn't leave unless I thought I could take - insert new school name here - to Columbus at the end of March. If I was a college team my ambition would be the same .. I want to play on the first weekend in April at a very large dome! So when people ask me, as happens pretty frequently, "You looking to move?" and I say, "No" I get a lot of funny looks. I know Clark is a small school .. we have a small gym .. we play in a league not a lot of people have heard of .. and we generally don't get any publicity. But I FIT there and I have kids who FIT what I like to do and I have an athletic director who thinks we can achieve big things. So do I lack ambition? No way!!! I'm trying to get my squad to the top of the mountain!!! And if I never get there it doesn't mean we haven't accomplished many very worthwhile goals. Winning and losing isn't the end all, be all of goal setting .. and coaches who focus only on those goals are bound to get disillusioned with their school. If I can teach my players the value of investing yourself fully in the pursuit of high level goal, the work ethic to dedicate all of your energies toward that goal, fail and pick yourself back up to repeat the process, then I believe I have taught them a lot more then how to put an orange ball through an orange circular rim. Winning??? That will come as a natural by-product of teaching my players the process of achievement ... and that process is transferable to any life situation. Coaching 101 boys and girls ... easy as can be!!!

Reds are in the 'Burgh for a 3 game set. The Gunners host Norwich City in a must win match. The Buckeyes invade Paul Brown Stadium for their Spring Game. Should be a great weekend for sports!!!

Catch you on Monday!!

I knew this day would come ....

I'm so happy for my family who has supported me through all the struggles. I'm happy for my friends who have helped me along the way and been there when times were tough. But today is one of the happiest days of my life! I would like to announce to everyone that I am declaring for the 2013 Draft and taking my talents to the league!!! I know what you're thinking ... I'm a 40 year old, mostly broken down, ground bound jump shooter ... you can't make it in the League. But hey!!! 20 college underclassman have already declared for the draft, another 10 or 15 (tournament darlings like scUM's Trey Burke, GRIII, Hardaway Jr & Mitch McGary, the Ville's Russ Smith & Gorgui Dieng, Cuse's Michael Carter-Smith along with lesser unknowns Otto Porter Jr., Alex Len, Kelly Olynyk and Marcus Smart) will declare for the draft in the coming days, plus the graduating seniors who have an NBA future (like Jeff Withey of Kansas, Mason Plumlee & Seth Curry of Duke) ***** Phil Pressey of Missouri just declared so 21 underclassmen have now declared ***** and 10-15 Europeans. That means there are ... give or take ... my math is a little rusty ... 60 or so players vying for 30 guaranteed paying positions. What's that you say?? Everybody in the NBA gets paid?? Well yes .. you are correct .. if you make the NBA you do get paid. But only 1st round draft picks sign guaranteed contracts - which guarantee you get paid! - and 2nd round draft picks only get paid if they make the team. Of the 60 players drafted in the 2012 NBA draft, 10 (including 9 2nd rounders) draftees have never set foot on an NBA court and another 15 players (all 2nd rounders) haven't been on an NBA roster for the entire season. So 25 of the 60 draft picks - 42% - aren't drawing much salary at all. A D-League (the NBA's other minor league - the NCAA being the main NBA minor league) salary ranges from $12-$24K ... barely above minimum wage yearly salaries. All this number mumbo jumbo means one thing: What does the team drafting me have to lose?!?! I'm fine with being a 2nd round NBA pick and joining the 24 of 30 guys who don't stick in the league. I'll show up to summer league out of shape, take a lot of ill advised 24 footers, play enough defense that I cross half court and general be disinterested in the game. When it's time for training camp, I'll rinse-dry-fold-repeat the aforementioned behavior until I get cut or sent to hell the Erie BayHawks for a stint in the D-League. Of course they'll cut me in under a week and I'll be out on the mean streets of Mason (or back in the classroom ... but let's not distract from my fantasy!). Now some of those guys who are leaving college early might view a life of McDonald's drive-thru level salaries as something undesirable, but I already have a salary!!! Duh!!! Imagine it as Scott Kerr's Fantasy Basketball Camp if you will ... and then I'll join Royce White among the NBA draft picks who never played a game in the league. Not a bad badge to hold onto!!!!

A minute for Sunday's Mad Men premier ... Excellent. Now I know what all you Johnny-come-lately's are saying .. "It was soooooo slow" .. "The episode ended without anything getting resolved" .. "The storylines aren't making any sense" .. "Joan was only in it for 5 minutes total!!" (okay .. maybe the last one was what I said!!) .. but watching Mad Men is an acquired taste - much like the liquor Don permanently imbibes - while not inhaling the wacky tobaccy - before hurling chunks during funerals. Matty Weiner's scripts are a mystery inside an enigma wrapped up by a riddle. One important fact to remember is Don Draper only has this season plus one to conquer as many NYC females as he can!! (Well ... that's if you can believe Matty Weiner's claim he is only doing 7 seasons of the show. It's a cash cow for AMC and I gotta believe they will make a GodFather offer to keep it around for a little longer). The show is already starting the big wind down so there will be several slow developing story lines to stretch out over two seasons. The highlights? Don Juan back on the prowl, this time with his neighbor's wife .... the same neighbor he helped ski out of the building during a blizzard to go operate on somebody's heart!!! Always the gentleman that Don Draper!!! Don also has a fetish for reading books suggested to him by his extramarital lovers ... this time it was Dante's Inferno. Good choice!!! I know they have January Jones in a fat suit for her role as Betty Draper Francis (technology is getting better and better with those fat suits!), but what I didn't know was they had a Don Draper suit for Peggy to wear!! The way Peggy harangued those poor copywriters at her new firm made you think she had Don's pe .... ummmmm .... male organ between her legs. Peggy continued her habit of finding tag lines in trashcans (if you remember her big break on the Belle Jolie lipstick ad ... take that you Johnny-come-latelys!!) by rescuing the Koss headphones commercial using some discarded film footage. Roger Sterling on a psychologist's couch yielded some good zingers, but his pathetic attempt to sleep with his first ex-wife (and real off-screen wife BTW!) and subsequent breakdown upon receiving a deceased man's shoeshine box cast him as a rather forlorn figure heading into season six. Those Megan Pare fan's out there may be wondering why she isn't in my highlights ... well I don't like her teeth. There I said it! Get some veneers or braces Mrs. Ed .. then I'll talk about you.

The Reds can be summed up in a few words. Lost last night to the Cards. Dusty started a guy in leftfield he cut 8 days ago to "keep him sharp." The fact the guy is fast should concern everyone in Reds land. Dusty has a fetish with fast/no hit outfielders rivaled only by Don Draper's 'I'm sleeping with you' book club. A serving of Corey Patterson anyone? How about a plate Wily Taveras? Or the seasoned breeze of Drew Stubbs? I thought the roster was Dusty-proofed. I was wrong. Speaking of wrong ... tomorrow we'll look at the great medical advice proffered the past couple season by Doc Hollywood! Poor Sean Nick Massett Joey Votto Marshall.

Okay .. I'm out. Talk tomorrow!

Wilt the Stilt ain't got nothing on Donnie Draper!!

Shameless teaser .... I know .... gotta know my schedule though!

First a PSA for new readers ..... Mad Men recaps are on Tuesdays so I can rewatch each episode and collect my thoughts. After last night's episode I'm going to be passing the hat I have so many thoughts to collect! But it is good to know Don Juan Draper is back with a vengeance!

On a more important note .... Spring has finally sprung!!! My two sons (neither of whom is named Ernie - that's my brother) were so excited by this morning's 53 degree temperature that they grabbed the top pair of shorts in their dresser drawers and ran off to the bus stop. My buddy in Miami fires up his space heater and dons a parka, scarf and beanie hat when the mercury hovers in the mid-50s ... in Ohio, it's a t-shirt & shorts kind of day!!! Southwest Ohio was also fortunate enough to see our closest star - no, no ... not my bald dome ... the sun! - shining brightly on consecutive days for the first time since sometime last August. Global warming may be causing the polar ice caps to melt but it's not doing anything to melt Winter away from Ohio. The next progression for our developmentally delayed Spring should be April thundershowers. I enjoy no natural phenomena more than nature's light and bass (not the fish ... the sound) show - especially if it's a night show. The impending thunderstorm season has caused one question in particular to ricochet around my inside my head to the point of intellectual exhaustion. Will the storm systems (Mesoscale Convection Systems for all the wannabe weathermen/storm chasers out there) which spawn thunderstorms and tornadoes get names like hurricane and winter storm systems? I don't know about you, but Supercell Ivan Drago sounds much more intimidating than the Tornado of 2013. Why do storms get names anyway? How many hurricane names can you remember besides Katrina? Which winter storm from 2012-2013 had the best name? What is the salary of the person at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (a federal agency with federal employees using tax money as it's only source of revenue) who coordinates all of the storm names? Why does tax money go to name storms? See what I mean about the mental exhaustion which comes about from simply thinking about Spring thunderstorms? Oh well .... questions to ponder another day .... in the meantime keep the shorts and umbrellas handy the next couple of days before Winter returns in time for the weekend.

Speaking of storms .... I'm thinking of joining the growing legion of amateur storm chasers. Tracking a garden variety thunderstorm around with my high-tech cellphone camera just appeals to my inner whorish Andy Warhol 15 minutes of fame complex naturalist. It also provides a huge waste of gasoline valuable service for the local media scientific community who can't be everywhere at once and need pictures and video of even the most mundane of storms for their 11 o'clock news advanced data collection. My shots last summer of pea sized hail led to nothing a very important Facebook post!! If I had been in my convertible during last summer's derecho storm can you imagine the live action video I could have captured had I not been dodging trees falling into the road? I could have put the top down so people could really experience the wrath of the derecho - the wind, the debris whistling by my head, the sound of the hail pelting my bald head. Look .... I do it for fans ... and one of my storm videos was almost shown on Star64 CNN with Wolf Blitzer or whoever does the breaking national news there.

I'm not a big Saturday Night Live guy, but the Melissa McCarthy parody skit of Mike Rice (see here) is worth a couple minutes of your time.

Before I leave I would be remiss in failing to mention my two favorite red teams (the Buckeyes are SCARLET and gray ... duh!!!): The Reds and Arsenal. No truth to the rumor the National's ran Obama, John Boehner and Harry Reid out to the hill in Friday's 15-0 lambasting of Washington. The only numbers which were counting up quicker than the Redleg's tally was the national debt clock - ohhhhhhh low blow! At least the National's bounced back better than the national economy by winning in extra frames on Saturday before falling 6-3 in Sunday's game. The local nine get off to a 4-2 start with a three game set starting in ... ummmm 45 minutes ... at St. Louis. You better believe I'll be tuned in to the upcoming titanic struggle!!! On Saturday morning the Arsenal Gunners gutted out a 2-1 win over West Bromich Albion to briefly move into 4th place in the Barclay's Premier League. 4th place in huge in the BPL because it carries with it UEFA Champions League qualification and about $30million in TV right's fees plus increased ticket revenue. Arsenal needs to finish strong to overtake either Chelsea or Tottenscumham and nab a Champion's League spot. The Gunners take on Norwich City (nicknamed the Canaries after their bright yellow home kit) on Saturday before playing host to Manchester United.

Okay .. gotta go. Reds ... coaches meeting ... NCAA National Championship. Big night!!

Oh interruptions ... and Paleo diets

Let's see ... where did I leave off? These real life distractions cause serious harm to the blog and, by extension, my readers. Any lawyers out there available for a small retainer to file a lawsuit against real life? Or help me sue the people - those horrible teachers and college professors!! - who never warned me that real life could impede my pursuit of happiness? And forget about blogging during a Reds game .. not that I was wasting valuable instructional time tracking the progress of the local 9 against the Los Angeles Angels of Burbank Long Beach Compton Nowuknouintrouble Anaheim or anything .. my brain is unable to wrap itself around expressing thoughts while conducting an endless steam of consciousness conversation with myself about the game at hand.

 Now let me get this straight .... the newest diet craze is based on - and I'm quoting directly from Dr. Loren Cordain's website - "eating wholesome, contemporary foods from the food groups our hunter-gatherer ancestors would have thrived on during the Paleolithic ear, the time period from about 2.6 millions years ago to the beginning of the agricultural revolution, about 10,000 years ago." What? You haven't heard about it?? It's the Paleo diet!! And in the course of two days I went from having never heard of it to having seven people describe it to me. I'm not one to get wound up easily, but are you sh*%#ing me!!!! Go back to a Stone Age diet?? When the total human population on the planet was under 1 million (versus today's 7 billion!!!) and the average life expectancy was 18 (a deceiving figure of course due to an enormous infant mortality rate) and only about 30 percent of the total population lived beyond 30 years??? You want me to go back to that diet??? GTFOH!!! The basis Dr. Cordain cites - "decades of research!" - for his diet is the absence of obesity, cancer, diabetes, cardiovascular disease ... he goes on and on ... do you own research. I'm not a doctor, I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night, I did watch Grey's Anatomy one time though and I did have to learn a little bit about history and historical populations at Miami U. Here's what I know ... how many people under the age of 30 have any of those conditions today outside obesity??? Look around and start counting Sherlock .... it's going to be a very low percentage. Secondly any study of ancient populations can not be definitive because we don't have complete medical records of ancient populations, only snapshots based on the relatively few fossilized bodies scientists have ever recovered and studied. I would hate to imagine what scientists would say about my life ... all 1,261,440,000 seconds of it so far ... if they were given 1000 second long Polaroids of my activity - especially if those Polaroids include my ill-attempted middle hair part or various college experiences (side note: thank God there were no cell phone cameras snapping away in my youth!!!). That's similar to the number of Stone Age bodies scientists have studied in the modern era. The other 99.999921% have been lost to history. And isn't it pretty common dietary knowledge that if you remove processed foods, diary products and refined sugars from your daily caloric intake then you are going to lose weight?? People paid for a book or a website to remind them of this?? Who's the dummy now?? Look .. you can do the South Beach Diet, the Mediterranean Diet, the SeeFood Diet, the Paleo Diet or the EWTFYW Diet .. it doesn't matter. If you eat healthy and exercise then you will have a better chance at avoiding some of the chronic illnesses it took Dr. Cordain decades of research to discover. Take a hike Einstein and let me enjoy my Graeter's!! I've already outlived my Stone Age ancestors, and my Iron Age ancestors and probably my Middle Age ancestors. I'm doing okay!! Skyline cheese coney?? I believe I will!!

Okay ... TV shows ... Mad Men, Downton, Duck Dynasty ... that's were I was!!!

3. Duck Dynasty (A&E) - The Robertson clan, owners of Duck and Buck Commander, wasn't a favorite of mine until recently. I am neither an avid duck hunter - never been actually - or beard grower - I prefer the Mr. Clean look.  However I converted to the stupidity as if Benny Hinn had smacked me in the forehead. Network TV comedy shows hold my attention for a gnat-like span. I prefer to find my comedy gold oozing out of redneck reality TV shows the same way Jed Clampett bubbled up some Texas Tea from the hills of Kentucky. And right now there are no one funnier than Si Robertson. Jase Robertson slides in right behind Si on the laugh tracking. The Robertson's wrap you into their cocoon of stupidity so well you forget they are ALL MULTI-MILLIONAIRES!!!! Why can they sit around the duck call room everyday doing nothing and not have a boss - or principal!! - breathing fire down their backs??? Because they have already stacked a lot of paper!!! Viewer beware: These are not your average rednecks!!!

4. Wheeler Dealers & Chasing Classic Cars (Velocity) - I consider both of these shows to be peas in a pod. Deep down .. or if you know me well it's not all that deep .. I wish I was a car restorer/reseller. Or a racecar driver of the sprint car variety. Either way these are my instructional videos of the life I wish I could lead. My Saab - which requires a wrench as frequently as a bird sings - has been the beneficiary of several lessons in automotive repair from Wheeler Dealers. Those of you who ride in the Jet with me beware!!!  And Wayne Carini ... let's just say it's my second dream job behind Miami University's Mens' Basketball coach.

5. Mr. Selfridge (PBS) - Hey .... another Masterpiece Classic .... I'm highbrow .... what can I say? Jeremy Piven is Mr. Selfridge and after Entourage I'm pretty much watching any show with J.P. as the lead. Dude can flat out act. But just to make sure the hook is firmly set in my jaw, the producers decided J.P. would be even better in a period show set in London. Yup ... line and sinker as well!! It's only been one episode, but Mr. Selfridge has all the trappings of a Downton-lite and a slice of my Sunday night time.

That's it ... plus live sporting events involving teams I care about .. in other words the Reds, Gunners, Tar Heels, Buckeyes, RedHawks, Musketeers, Bearcats and an occasional NBA game. Got it?? Good!!

Redlegs take 2 of 3 from the Angels .. I'm happy with a series victory over any team with Puljos, Trout and Hamilton in the lineup. I'll take the advice of one of my readers and stick to basketball .. Ha!! No worries .. I'll be back to torment Dusty when time and Dustration presents itself.

Long enough?? Yeah .. I thought so. Have a good weekend everyone!!!

Oh ... and Happy 11th Birthday Ty!!! Growing up way to fast little man!!

We gotta move these color TVs ....

Hey ... your Momma's so fat that THX can't even surround her!! Yo .. why did I see your Mom laying on her stomach in that TV commercial for laser back hair removal??? Maaaaannnnnn ... your Momma's so old she watches TV like Michael Jackson ... it don't matter if it's black & white!!! Okay .. enough of that .. I was never very good at 'Your Momma" jokes .. but I am pretty good at watching good TV shows. With the passing of ODiC, there is going to be less time for me to watch fluff on TV. My primetime lineup starts at 7 PM and lasts till about 10 PM on channel 1309 for those of you who are Time Warner subscribers, with the occasional Arsenal soccer match thrown in on Saturday mornings or Wednesday afternoons. So any 'shows' I watch are relegated to the DVR or squeezed around my sporting preferences. All which leads to tonight's channel conundrum culminating at approximately 10 PM: the end of the Reds-Angels game or Duck Dynasty???? See where I'm going with this???? If you're lucky enough to be the King of your Castle, the Commander of the Remote Control, the Keeper of the Man Cave, the Brains behind the Boob Tube (Hey! Get your minds out of the gutter .. that's not an internet porn site .. at least that I know of!!) ... or if you just get to make the TV viewing choice at your dwelling ... which shows are on your "Must See" list. I'll open the floor up for debate .... settle down .... this isn't the Jerry Springer Show!! ... we'll start with Mr. Kerr.

Who? Me? Okay ... ummmmm ... well ... thank you, Mr. Kerr, for allowing me to bat lead off on this topic. Here are the shows I will do anything to see on time:

1. Mad Men (AMC) - Far and away my favorite show currently on TV. And in a total coincidence and in noooo way a shameless plug, it returns for season 6 this Sunday night. Season 5 was a drop-off for a show which up to that point had been head and shoulders above anything else in the 1400 channel universe, but I expect season 6 to return to it's masterful ways. Sterling, Cooper, Draper, Pryce (although is the Pryce still included in the agency's name after Lane hung himself in Season 5?) has undergone many changes since the series was originally set in 1960. Don is no longer on the perpetual prowl, the advertising business has evolved from print to television, the old agency bought out and eventually replaced with a newer, bolder agency, Roger Sterling - this show's Dowager Countess - has shuffled through two marriages and millions of dollars, and Peggy has evolved from doormat to the corner office with a view at a different agency. But some things have remained more or less unchanged, most notably Joan (a drooling great thing) and Pete Campbell (a douchy thing). Netflix will have you caught up in time to be current Sunday night if you hurry (and you don't stop to rewatch season 5's 'Far Away Places' episode to oogle Jane Seigel Sterling on the way to the acid party!).

2. Downton Abbey (PBS) - Who says the Brits can't make good TV?!?! Dr. Who?? Fuhgetaboutit!! Drop into Downton and watch Olde English money attempt to adapt to the changing world of the early 20th century. Lord Grantham, his family and his stahhff (look .. they are servants .. except they are in a really rich persons house .. call a spade a spade!!) produce the finest soap opera ... wait ... I didn't mean soap opera ... get your hands off my Man Card!!! ... what I meant was ... errrr ... umm ... drama ... yes, that's it ... the finest drama on public television. I'm most amazed at the time period and the dress and the culture (although I must raise this point - season 3 saw several divergence in cultural attitudes which are completely incorrect for the period. Exhibit A - Lord Grantham's support for a homosexual butler. A homosexual male in the 1920s would have been run out of a country estate quicker than Usain Bolt, not protected by a member of the English gentry!). Several key characters (Lady Sybil, Matthew Crawley and William) have been killed off the show the past two seasons and another (Miss O'Brien - fetus murderer!) isn't returning, so it will be interesting to see the new characters sprinkled into the mix. Lady Mary as a single mother should be interesting in a train wreck, 'Mommie Dearest' kind of way.

3. Duck Dynasty (A&E) -

staff meeting .... TBC later this evening!

Meet the new boss ... same as the old boss

If you like free stuff, raise your hand. Now typing with one hand is difficult so instead of throwing a hand in the air let me just say this ... if it's free, it's for me!! You'll hear no complaints out of me for the four extra innings of baseball (tangential discussion ... aren't baseball games only guaranteed to go 8 & 1/2 innings? Are 3 outs an inning or 1/2 inning? If the home teams wins it with a walk-off run in the bottom of the 9th, didn't you get some free baseball anyway?), especially since I spent the game in the climate-controlled confines of the Yard House. I love the Reds - a lot - but not enough to spend the extra cash (3rd deck tickets were being quoted with a 3rd digit yesterday by the highway robbers scalpers) or stand in a line during the Cincinnati winter (a season which has been the gift that keeps on giving frigid temperatures!) to get a ticket at face value. So the block party developed around Opening Day - which is the best idea Cincinnati has had since Graeter's!! - is about as close to the game as I'll come. So before I start to rip on discuss Dusty's decision-making during yesterday's game, I have this question for you:

What is Opening Day like in other Major League cities?

Opening Day is a big deal in Cincinnati. In the pre-technozoic of my elementary, middle and high school years we would try to smuggle small transistor radios into our bags with primitive earpieces which were more obvious than the pieces worn by the Secret Service. Sadly it rarely worked. By college I could conveniently forget to go to class and watch the game in lo-def splendor. The last couple years I have taken advantage of my educational occupational calendar to attend Opening Day festivities in person, and not so coincidentally the event has exploded!!! Cincinnati's Catholic festivals drool at the party going on at the corner of Joe Nuxhall Drive and Freedom Way. A squadron of Port-o-let's have been deployed to carry the abundance of merriment which accompanies .67% of the Reds season. But what if we had traveled DeLorean 88-mph style to Oakland and celebrated Opening Day there ... would a large street party have been going on outside O.co Coliseum? Where the Dodgers hosting Fight Club II "Beat the Giants" fans in Chavez Ravine? I would estimate yesterday's crowd downtown and outside GASP (for you newbies that's Great American Small Park, a place where pop-fly's meet bleacher seats .. formally known as Great American Ball Park) at close to 100,000 people. You think 100,000 are bundling up in 38 degrees to hang outside stadia in Oakland, LA, NY or Chi-town for opening day? I've never been so it's up to you to fill in my blanks. The closest thing I can compare Opening Day in Cincinnati (ODiC) to is Patriot's Day in Massachusetts and Maine. (Bonus question: Can you tell me when Patriot's Day is? What does Patriot's Day celebrate?  Anyone ... anyone ... Bueller ... Bueller???) Now Patriot's Day - not to be confused with Patriot Day - is a state holiday .. the government shuts down .. they run a very long foot race .. and the Red Sox play baseball. On ODiC (pronounced Odis), workers and school children feign sickness ... there is a very long foot parade ... and the Reds play baseball. I can think of no better reason to establish a Cincinnati holiday!! Think of the possibilities. On ODiC Eve you have a big pep rally at Fountain Square where the Reds' players chase Old Man Winter away with their bats (they don't hit anything on Opening Day anyway - might as well put the wood to good use!) and the city turns on the Tyler Davidson Fountain. Give it five years and it will become a better indicator of the end of winter than some stupid groundhog in Pennslyvania!! ODiC retains the Findlay Market Parade, the street party, and a Reds baseball game. That right there is an early spring slice of Americana!!!

The Curious Case of Dusty Baker

Look ... I've held my tongue for 20 hours ... that's long enough ... but can anyone translate the enigma which is Dusty Baker's managerial book? I just don't understand why the Maj. Gen does the things he does. Case in point from yesterday's game was the bottom of the 8th inning. Here's the scene: runners on 1st and 2nd, no outs, DatDude - Vottomatic - Free Chris Heisey (FCH) - Bruuuuce coming to the dish. What's the call in this situation, knowing you have the Missile - hereafter known as the DSB (Dusty's Security Blanket) Missile - fueling up in the 'pen? DatDude, who grounded into 19 double plays last season but also drove in 77 runs, gets the order to sacrifice bunt, which he successfully executed just like he did three times in 2012. That marched Joey Vottomatic up to the dish with runners on 2nd & 3rd & first base open!!!! What do you think the Angels are going to do in this predicament? Pitch to the only most dangerous hitter in the Reds lineup? As Uncle Si is fond of launching in his singular staccato style, "Noh". Vottomatic quick-steps to 1st with his free pass, FCH swats at flies for out #2, Bruuuuce loops around three pitches close to the plate. Inning over. Threat neutralized. Reds neutered. Now Maj. Gen Dusty Custer had just watched the Angels attempt the same strategy in the top of the 7th and score exactly ZERO runs. Why try an emulate a failed strategy?!?! Furthermore, if you're going to play small ball for 1 run and sacrifice runners into scoring position, why don't you try to safety or suicide squeeze the run in from 3rd with FCH up to bat?!?! FCH had the same number of sacrifice bunts DatDude had in 2012 and three innings later the Dustrator had FCH sacrifice bunt .... don't you think he could have gotten a safety squeeze (or more excitedly a suicide squeeze!!!) down with the based loaded and one out?!?! Let's rewind FCH's 8th inning at bat, replace the Dustration Manual with the Winning Edge Baseball Manual and see what happens when the Maj. Gen thinks outside the box of toothpicks. FCH gets down a safety squeeze to score X-Paul, Dusty gets his one small-ball run, dails up the DSB Missile, the Angel's chase smoke in the top of the 9th, and the Reds win on ODiC!!! The Reds will continue to be hamstrung by the Dustrator's insistence on 'going by the book' and doing things the 'baseball way'. (Side note: Anybody want to bet on the effectiveness of Dusty's 3rd lefty in the 'pen, Manny Parra? He got shelled last year in Milwaukee, shelled in Spring Training .. but the 'book' says you gotta have a lefty in the pen for lefty-lefty match-ups in the 4th inning. I though Sean Marshall would be our lefty-lefty specialist??? Instead we send down a guy who went 6-2 with a 2.95 ERA last season - Jose Arredondo - to keep a guy who went 2-3 with a 5.06 ERA last season and a 5.28 ERA this spring! Doesn't the book say something about keeping your best pitchers in the big leagues?  Nope .. not on the Dustrator's team). Dusty's book is very curious indeed.

Kudos Rob Portman!

******** WARNING ******** Short blog today ... it's Friday ... that's rule #1. I also don't get paid to write these timeless examples of fine literature, so I'm under no obligation to write everyday .. that's rule #1. But the world keeps on ticking, ticking .. into the future ... so there are interesting things going on even when I'm short on time. So I gotta write something .. that's rule #1!

******* WARNING ******* Politics ahead. Not deep politics but politics nonetheless.

Key Republican turning point or just a Republican anomaly?

Rob Portman, Republican, junior Senator from Ohio, Terrace Park resident, former U.S. Representative and key participant in writing the last balanced budgets for the Federal government, today came out in support of gay marriage. In a previous reality, Sen. Portman had been a major opponent of gay marriage at both the federal and state level. But recently that pesky little thing called 'changing personal circumstances' intruded upon Sen. Portman's political beliefs. He son, Will, rocked Sen. Portman's Republican social philosophy by announcing that he was gay. Sen. Portman undertook an odyssey which would have made Ulysses proud over the next two years consulting with pastors and other religious leaders, Sen. Mitch McConnell (KY) and former Vice President Dick Cheney. From a personal standpoint, Sen. Portman immediately supported his son. However it took him a while to make the policy shift from personal to professional support for gay marriage. (I'm not willing to give Portman a complete pass on not immediately coming out in support of gay marriage. He was angling for the Vice Presidential nomination, and not goose-stepping to the Republican drumbeat of 'no gay marriage' would have doomed his chances. As it happened, he was already too moderate for the Republican party because he had at one time worked together with Democrats ... the Tea Party would never have approved!) He is now the 2nd highest profile Republican - behind former VP Cheney - to come out in support of gay marriage. What's the connection between Dick and Rob changing political views??? They both have children who are gay and want their children to be happy.

As I announced the other day, I am socially liberal. I'm also a card-carrying Presbyterian, which has fundamentally shaped how I view the working of a 'church'. I have given much thought to the issue - well at least as much thought as my ADHD brain can give. Here's where I landed. Marriage has two aspects - legal and religious. My religious beliefs do not allow me to say gay marriage should be sanctioned by any church unless the members of the church agree based on their interpretation of God's word. Presbyterians are big on group decisions and allowing the members of the church make the rules for each church. However from a legal standpoint, there should be no discrimination toward gays who choose to enter into a contract to share assets and inheritance. People are people and they should all have the same rights regardless of age, race, gender or sexual orientation. If history has taught us nothing else, it is that people desire equality and the recognition of basic human rights.

I applaud Sen. Rob Portman for deciding to support all people, regardless of sexual orientation, to enter into a legal contract of marriage. I would have preferred it didn't take a family member's sexual orientation to make him see the error of his political ideology. I wish other Republicans would see the inherent inequality in denying a segment of the population the right to enter into marriage. They are really shooting themselves in the ballot, but the Religious Right would never allow support for gay marriage to included in the Republican platform. By denying gays equal rights, Republicans are alienating a substantial chunk of voters who might otherwise support Republican initiatives.

Okay ... enough already ... next week I'll discuss the controversy brewing in the Reds training camp. Aroldis, Aroldis, wherefore dost thou pitch??

Peace!!!!

Ain't nobody got time for Pi!!!

Step aside ... heads up ... move outta the way people!!!! Geniuses at work!!!! My MacBook is back from the dead!!!! The friendly Geniuses at my local Apple Store just called to say my MacBook is repaired and ready for pick-up ... just about 14 hours after I dropped it off to repair the damage I someone caused to it Tuesday night.

On a side note ... I've gone all-in with Apple. In my estate, I now have two iPhones, two iPads, one iPod (for my youngest son) and one MacBook. I'm ready to buy an AppleTV cube so I can stream videos from any of those devices to my TV. Five years ago I never would have considered having anything more than an iPod, preferring instead to cast my lot with Bill Gates when it came to my personal computing needs. But once Verizon got the iPhone, I became smitten with the Apple bug and desired all the shiny toys from Cupertino over everything else. So what's the next step in personal technology??? When do those appliances from the Jetson's start showing up in stores??? I think the Jetson's was set in 2062 ... I'll be 90 by then ... hmmmmmmmmmm ... maybe I would prefer Dr. Emmett Brown's DeLorean ... It went to 2015 ... and I'll only be 43!!! 43>90 in my mathematical world!!!

Speaking of mathematics, apparently it's Pi Day today ... you know ... 3/14. Excuse me if I'm a little confused, but doesn't Pi have an undetermined absolute value? If so, how do we know exactly when Pi occurs on the 3/14? Furthermore, how did the Greeks, Romans, Arabs, Egyptians, Indians, Mayans and Incas develop such precise circular measurements without knowing the exact value of Pi? If these ancient Geniuses - not be confused with my local Geniuses - didn't need to know the true value of Pi to be successful, why do I need to know Pi's true value? If I don't need to know the true value of Pi, why did I waste all that time in Geometry? True wisdom is knowing the difference between what you need to know and what you know at this moment in time. So here's what I know ... the only Pi I like is strawberry .. and pumpkin .. and pecan ... and black walnut .. and cheesecake. Best Pi scene in a movie? Probably the kitchen scene in American Pie followed by the pie Andy Dufresne got from the warden in Shawshank Redemption. Best Pi scene on TV? Ross Perot's 1992 Presidential campaign TV spots with pie charts followed closely by Aunt Bea's pies on the Andy Griffith show. 

No politics today friends, I got my weekly rant out of the way yesterday. So instead it's time for a little sports talk .... 

It's Free Agent Season in the NFL, so let's examine this hypothetical situation. You are the owner/general manager of the team with the largest amount of salary cap space in the league. You've been to the playoffs in two straight years and three of the last four years, but haven't won a playoff game since 1991. You have big-time needs at a couple positions: 2nd wide receiver, safety, linebacker & interior o-line. A change-of-pace running back would also be a nice upgrade. Do you:

A) sign several of your own free agents, including your punter, long-snapper, kicker, and two defensive ends

B) franchise tag one of your defensive ends

C) sign the free agent All-Pro safety from the team who lost in the Super Bowl

D) sit on your piles of money because you own the team and it is the main source of your wealth even though  the last labor deal put a salary floor in just because of your repeated use of only 75% or so of the available salary cap (most of which is provided by TV & merchandising contracts shared by all NFL teams - in other words it doesn't cost you a penny to make it to the salary cap), but you know the salary floor rules don't apply yet since it is spread over several seasons

E) sign no players of any consequence and say, "That was our plan all along!"

If you answered C, you would be talking about the owner/GM of a team who was serious about winning and you would be INCORRECT!!! We're talking Daddy Mike Warbucks Brown here .... ain't nobody got time for free agents!!! Daddy Mike Cheapskate doesn't make deals unless he has the upper hand, and he doesn't have the upper hand early in free agency. Daddy Mike Losingest General Manager/Owner in NFL History will wait until all the players who are in demand have signed elsewhere and then swoop in like a turkey vulture to pick the bones of desperate for $$ free agents. Remember Terrell Owens .. did anybody else want him? He got cut by the Buffalo Bills for crying out loud before bringing his nuclear waste-like toxic attitude to Cincinnati, played one season, got hurt and was last seen in the Arena League. The answers here are clearly A, B, D and E. If you've ever gone to a festival/carnival and tried to play the midway games (the ones that are rigged so you always lose but still have a little bit of hope because they look so easy to win so you willingly throw good money after bad trying to win a goldfish in a bag ... yeah ... you've been there too!), then you know how most Bengal fans feel during free agency. Daddy Mike I hired David Shula just needs a little bit of hope to sell tickets, and he's already got that in AJ Green & crew. August in Ohio makes it rain more than Daddy Mike Never Gonna Measure Up to Daddy Paul. Oh well ... at least we have the Redlegs!!!

I'm off to get my MacBook from the local Geniuses .... everybody have a great day!!!

The Death of Republicanism

I broke my MacBook last night which made completing this fine reading impossible. I love my iPad, but typing anything beyond the Tweet limit resembles a Chinese Fire Drill for your fingers. Hopefully the geniuses at the Apple Store in Kenwood can repair what my careless hands destroyed. If not I'm going to spend like I'm the U.S. government because I'd rather buy 5 new MacBooks and go ig'nant ... I know Paul Ryan gonna kill me but let me finish ... blame it on technology, we livin no limits ... them Steve Jobs shiny toys were just a figment ... of our imagination ... look around my crib ... sorry, back to Paul Ryan.

Paul Ryan, fellow Miami '92 man - yours truly is a Miami '95 man ... Love and Honor!, released his newest budget proposal for the U.S. government yesterday. Unlike Miami's famous Beta Bells, which ring out over the campus on special occasions, Ryan's budget sounded more like a death knell for the Republican party as a factor in the changing American demographic reality. It's well known that Ryan believes in an Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" vision as a societal goal, and his new budget shows what the United States of Atlas would look like on HGH, EPO and steriods. This potent cocktail of performance enhancers allowed Lance Armstrong to win some bicycle races, but I doubt Ryan's Rand budget will win anything on Capitol Hill. Taking a closer look at Ryan's budget, here is what you get - of course according to his figures which seem to be something he found down the rabbit hole in Wonderland: $5.7 trillion in spending cuts over the next ten years (more on these numbers in a minute), no cuts to defense spending ($711billion per year - or 41% of the world's total military spending - or more than the next 17 nations combined - or 6 times the amount of the next highest military spending nation) or Social Security, changing the food stamps requirements, reforming our income tax code into two categories (10% or 25% depending on income level) and eliminating almost every tax deduction, repealing Obamacare, reducing Medicare to a voucher system to buy private insurance and lowering the corporate tax rate by 10%. Paul's math is fuzzy on most of these items, and he fails to mention that simply by repealing Obamacare, keeping the tax increases from the fiscal cliff negotiations and turning Medicare into a voucher system you would save $5.43 trillion over the next ten years. That leaves about $300 billion in spending cuts over ten years, or $30 billion per year , or $70 billion less per year than the sequester cuts. So really his budget plan is all about one thing, and I'll let him tell you what it's about. "We're not going to give up destroying the health care system for the American people." What's that .. you can believe Payn Raul said that?? Well .. straight from the horse's mouth .. heeeerrrrrrreeeeeeee'ssssss Pauly!

Before I go any further into my discussion of politics, here is a brief history of my political affiliations. I was born into a working-class family. My father bounced around from job to job and my mother was a secretary. I wasn't poor, always had clothes to wear and food to eat, but there wasn't a lot of extra money laying around in the couch cushions. My family was decidedly Republican, so it was a happy time when first Ronald Reagan and then George H.W. Bush occupied the White House for 12 years. I despised Slick Willy Clinton .... until he out-Republicaned the Republicans. Republicans love to talk social welfare reform, Slick Willy did social welfare reform (TANF). Republicans love to talk about reducing the deficit, Slick Willy eliminated the deficit!!! (Maybe some of you forget the $230 billion surplus he left W. Bush .. remember the surplus ol'W squandered into a $420 billion deficit eight years later!!! That's a $600 billion swing!!!) Republican's like to talk about reaching across the aisle. Reagan was bi-partisan, so was H.W.. Slick Willy loved to reach for things ... especially Republican cooperation. All three had to out of necessity. All three Presidents were leading America toward something greater - away from the decline which was the 1970s and back to being a place where the American dream could come true.

Herein lies my problem - and reason for my disassociation - with the Republican Party. There is no room for moderates in the Republican Party anymore. The 'modern' Republican - i.e. the Tea Party psychos or Religious Right wackos - clings to the belief that wealthy white people should run the country and if you are not white or wealthy then the deck should be stacked against you. Exhibit A, your honor: 16 House Republicans attended Ryan's presser yesterday. 14 men and 2 women. All white. All wealthy before including their $174,000 salary for serving in Congress. The idea that people can 'make it' is no longer part of the Republican plan. If you haven't already made it, then you're never going to be in the cool kid's club. Ryan's budget reflects this idea: caps on Pell Grants to help poor kids - like I was once upon a time - to get a college education, reducing the amount of subsidized student loans available for poor kids - like I was once upon a time - to get a college education, taking away basic medical care for the uninsured and retired by eliminating both Obamacare and Medicare, turn Medicaid over to the states to administer through block grants - switching the tax burden from the federal to state level -, removing millions of underprivileged people from food stamps and cut all discretionary spending by the federal government by another 5%. Who does most discretionary government spending impact? Disproportionately it impacts the underprivileged by cutting block grants for pre-school education or Title I educational opportunities (DOEd), reducing housing assistance (HUD), eliminating unemployment insurance and job re-training for workers who have been laid-off (DOL). The Republican party's hope is that people will buy into their 'self-sufficiency' myth .. you know, the one espoused by Mitt Romney and his 47% speech. It's easy to buy 'self-sufficiency' if you are self-sufficient. However what about those people who are not self-sufficient and lack the skills and resources (money, child care, training) to become self-sufficient? If it is true that you put your money where your priorities are, then the 'modern' Republican has no interest in developing self-sufficient citizens and would rather create second-class citizens. There are the rich - which I am not a part of and many of the people who are currently reading while shaking their heads are either - and there is everyone else. And I haven't even touched social issues yet!!!!!

 Now I would never criticize a fellow Miami man without having a plan of my own, and let me tell you ... it's a doozy!!! I am fiscally conservative and socially liberal, and the Kerr Party budget reflects these ideals. Some of you will call me unpatriotic, some will say I am weakening the nation Lt. Caffey style ... but it's really just the reality of cutting spending. In 2000, the U.S. military spent $288 billion and we had the strongest military in the world. Adjusting for inflation that means military spending today should be in the $385 billion range (China - the next highest military spending country - spent $143 billion last year, so we're still 2 & 1/2 times ahead of them. Spare me the 'our country will be weak and attacked by terrorists' BS scare tactic please!!!). Hey Paul Ryan ... I just saved $3.26 trillion over the next 10 years (current spending $711 billion minus $385 billion = $326 billion .. no fuzzy math here!!). The Congressional Budget Office - the non-partisan accountants for Congress - says Obamacare will reduce the deficit by $110 billion over the next 10 years ... I'll take it. Now were at $3.37 trillion for 10 years. The tax rate changes from the fiscal cliff negotiations give another $700 billion over 10 years and I'm keeping them, bringing my total saved to $4.07 trillion over 10 years. I'm closing in on Paul Rand and I haven't even shrugged to look at closing tax code loopholes or tinkered with our social welfare system. More importantly I haven't disproportionately impacted the underprivileged who need the government's help to become self-sufficient. Do there need to be changes to our social welfare system? Of course. Is there money to be saved from our social welfare system? Of course. But there are other ways to cut the deficit and eventually the debt. You just have to be divorced from the $$$ that runs Washington. Oil $$$, Military $$$, Medical $$$, Gun $$$ ... that's who influences the laws/budgets far more than you or I. So I, leader of the Kerr Party, nominate Rudy Giuliani as our candidate in 2016. He'll be a little long in the tooth, but not much more so than the Great Communicator himself.

White smoke is puffing!! Time for me to go and see who the next Pope will be. Have a great afternoon!!

Anybody know when the next Halley's Comet is?

I'll settle for seeing Comet PANstarrs, but Mother Nature hasn't been cooperating so far. If you are a stargazer like me, Wednesday night will provide a great opportunity to see PANstarrs just after sunset. The comet will appear between the crescent moon and the horizon, assuming there are no clouds, trees or houses  obscuring your view. The old ball coach says, "Go outside and look to the heavens!! Viewable comets don't come around very often!!" Enough of the daily educational portion of the blog .. back to our regular programming.

Under the category labeled DUH!!!, researchers at Puke Duke University found women to be grumpier in the morning than men. Really? You don't say? I have collected anecdotal evidence on this topic for years, although I was not contacted by PDuke about my research. Any male who has wiped sleep from his eyes with a woman at his side can testify, under oath, about the validity of this research. Don't believe me?? Try this little 'research' technique ... next time you are waking up with your wife, girlfriend or random bar/Craigslist/ashleymadison.com/grocery store hookup other female friend at your side, wake her up suddenly and take notes on her response. Unless you are served breakfast in bed 20 minutes later, there is a 92.75% probability you'll be chalking up her response in the "Grumpy" category. I'm not sure why women are grumpier in the morning ... maybe it's because in their dreams all us men look like the Calvin Klein Super Bowl ad model and in reality ... we look like the Calvin Klein Super Bowl ad model!!!! Well ... I can only speak for myself, but I'm definitely not chiseled from stone ... I'm chiseled from Graeter's - chocolate chunk please! Alas there is a technique to alleviate this grumpiness, and a study out of Germany confirms my research on this topic as well!!! Since this blog is PG, I'll sanitize the results as best as possible. Intimacy of the carnal variety - at any time of the day - can relieve headaches and brighten moods through the release of endorphins. There are two very important outcomes from this research for men. 1. You can turn her frown upside down with a quick horizontal mambo. 2. No more accepting the "I have a headache' excuse. Before you let your significant other reach for the Bayer aspirin (thank you Germany!!), tell her you have a better home remedy. Sometimes science is such fun!!!

Correctly match the following - feel free to draw lines.

A - PSY

B - Kim Jong Un


North Korea today announced they were voiding the 1953 armistice which ended the fighting on the Korean peninsula between North and South Korea. The North's decision was a response to joint military exercises between the United States and South Korea taking place currently. North Korea is prone to grandiose delusions of military greatness and clearly didn't pay attention to the results of the U.S. - Iraq ballgame a couple years ago. It's another attempt by PSY Kim Jong-Un to puff out something other than his cheeks - I'm talking about his chest people .. get your minds out of the gutter!! - for the state-controlled cameras in the North and show the hardliners in the KPA (Korean People's Army) how tough he is. He may want to stop writing checks with his chipmonk-cheeked mouth that his army can't cash before the United States goes all Gangnam style on North Korea and stomps another dictator into the history books. Not that I am ever in favor of military intervention as a first resort, but when you threaten nuclear attack you are clearly asking for the MC sledgeHammer. The only other Korean most Americans know - PSY - was smart enough to know ... Can't touch this!!! Kim Jong-Un better ask somebody before it's Hammer Time!!!

Speaking of Can't Touch This ... can we get to baseball's regular season already?!?! This World Baseball Classic thing needs to go the way of the Dodo bird. The U.S. of A took out the powerhouses Italy and Canada, but was shellacked by Mexico. They've moved onto the second round now against the Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico and Italy (who-a knew-a Italians played-a baseball anyway???) I could care less!!! Unless their jersey's say REDS or CINCINNATI across the front, baseball is about as fun to follow as a tooth extraction. Of course some pundits/fans/fanatics are concerned about the Reds form so far in Spring Training .... HAHAHA!!!! The 'Red' - and I say that tepidly since these guys are more like Bats or Blue Wahoos (the Reds AAA and High AA teams for those of you not familiar with the Reds farm system .. I'm not obsessed or anything .. no worries!!) - with the most plate appearances is Emmanuel Burris. Name his position and win fabulous prizes!! Anybody wanna guess the Reds' pitcher with the second most innings pitched so far?? Wait for it ..... Wait for it ..... Bueller ..... Bueller .... Clay Hensley .... who??? Isn't he a country singer??? My point exactly!! When Shin-Soo Choo stands in against Jered Weaver of the California Los Angeles Anaheim Irvine West Covina Mission Viejo Angels on April 1st I'll start to worry about scoring runs and getting opposing hitters out. Until then I give Maj. Gen. Dusty Custer a pass on all in-game managerial decisions and results. Enjoy the calm before the storm Dusty!!!

That's all for today ... stop back later this week for another exciting installment of ... TSTGOINH!!!

Coming soon to a cafe near you!!!

Drones!!! So I composed a haiku .. or a sonnet .. or some type of poem .. not sure about the type. I didn't pay a whole lot of attention in the poetry units in 9th and 10th grade.

Drones, drones everywhere,
Raining bombs down from the air,
Who they kill we do not care,
There's enemy combatants everywhere!!

Didn't take me 13 hours to get my point across!!! Take that Rand Paul!!! According to the Attorney General, you have nothing to worry about if you are a U.S. citizen on U.S. soil and you are not a combatant. However if you are a U.S. citizen on U.S. soil who also happens to be a combatant, there may be a weaponized drone - see above - coming your way!!! And if you're not on U.S. soil all bets are off!! Keep your eyes on the sky and your ears free of wax people, these drones don't give much advance notice. Of course what exactly you are combating isn't defined ... so if you are combating broadcast decency a la Howard Stern - a drone is coming for you! Beware Janet Jackson of the next time you slip a nip - that buzzing you hear is a friendly, weaponized drone. The war on good rap being waged by Trinidad James definitely should qualify for a drone visit. If every member of the U.S. Congress and Senate  is combating 224 years of successful American democracy, can the President eliminate all 535 of our elected combatants representatives? Please say yes Eric Holder!! Surely Alex Jones is a combatant!! He's revealing all the secrets of the New World Order and Illuminati at the same time. DRONE HIM IMMEDIATELY and can you please make sure his drone attack occurs live on his radio show - he needs the ratings!!

Surely I jest, but the real issue is how much surveillance and enforcement America is willing to tolerate in an effort to remain safe and secure. Motivation through fear is a common tactic of governments around the world, and which American's aren't scared of terrorists? Just in the last fifteen years there have been major scares which altered our collective behaviors, from Y2K to 'Killer Bees' to SARS to Bird Flu to a zombie apocalypse in Miami, FL. After 9/11 the PATRIOT ACT was rammed through Congress and allows unprecedented levels of surveillance on U.S. citizens without a warrant. It's one thing to have to take of my shoes to get onto a commercial airliner without a warrant, it's another to allow my phone to be tapped without a warrant. Unfortunately those lines of privacy are increasingly being blurred under the guise of 'protection' from the evil-doers (sorry .. couldn't resist one of my favorite George W'isms!). How many times a day are you - yes I'm talking to you! - captured on a 'security' camera? At the ATM? In the mall? At Kroger? In school? At the gas station? Driving down the street? It doesn't end with video surveillance. You should all feel safer knowing I have to provide my account number at 5th/3rd bank when I go to exchange my candy sale change for bigger bills - wouldn't want me to be confused with a money launderer for an obscure bald-headed terrorist organization! Who makes the decision about what defines a combatant? Was Timothy McVeigh a combatant and could he have been stopped by a drone strike before detonating his truck bomb? What about Adam Lanza? Was he a combatant and could a drone have blasted his car on the way to Sandy Hook Elementary School? No one - least of all me - would object to having evil-doers eliminated before they can do evil. The question I can't answer is where the limit is on the government's power to declare an evil-doer as a combatant. No judge or jury is involved in the process, no affidavits are filed and no one must testify under subpeona when a person is declared an enemy combatant. No 4th, 5th, 6th, 8th or 14th Amendment protections apply if you are a combatant according to the Attorney General.  Anwar al-Awlaki can testify to the lethality and efficiency of drone attacks on U.S. citizens who are declared combatants ... if dead men could tell tales.

In a semi-related note, a judge in Cincinnati struck down a village ordinance in Elmwood Place allowing the use of cameras to catch speeders in the village. Rejoice common folk!!! It's a rare victory against the man for all mankind!!! So speed away in Elmwood Place and hope the Ohio General Assembly outlaws the use of all speed related cameras in Ohio.

On a tangent to my last point, does anyone ever drive through Terrace Park, Mariemont and Fairfax? I drive through those three fine villages everyday from October through March and I see more cars pulled over for speeding on Wooster Pike/US 50 in those three small municipalities than I do anywhere else on my daily drives. Either the police in those three villages have nothing better to do are very vigilant about speeding or it is a shameless money grab for the three villages' Mayor's Court (grammatically butchered that last part .. there's blood on my fingertips!!). The village of Arlington Heights used to do much the same on a small stretch of I-75 until a judge in Cincinnati put the kibosh on their practice. One of the reasons he cited for his cease and desist order was use of the Arlington Heights Mayor's Court to dispose of all the citations. If Arlington Heights can't use its Mayor's Court to deal with moving citations, why can Terrace Park, Mariemont and Fairfax? Ummmm Mr. President, could you hold off on the Alex Jones drone while I give him a call to investigate this riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma!! I have a theory, but it's very conspiracy-ish!!! Any Cincinnati judges live in Arlington Heights??? (stir the pot, stir the pot, stir the pot!!)

The finals of the .... YAWN .... World Baseball Classic start today. Sixteen teams have ... eehhhhh ... qualified? for the finals. I can't wait for the thrilling Spain v. Brazil game ... where's Marty??? Does Spain v. Brazil qualify as a titanic struggle??? A bunch of Asian teams are represented, along with several from Latin America. Good thing there's no age limit in the World Baseball Classic they have to follow!!! Danny Almonte who??? This is the third World Baseball Classic .. none of which has been won by the U.S. of A!!! Therefore it's not really a sporting event. If the U.S. hasn't won it, it doesn't count!! Except for the World Cup .. that counts. But the Rugby World Cup??? Doesn't count. The Cricket World Cup??? Doesn't count. The Lacrosse World Cup??? Doesn't exist. The Olympics??? We dominate .. it counts .. except for those equestrian events and ping pong .. they don't count. The only good thing the World Baseball Classic ever did was destroy Easy Edison Volquez's elbow, which eventually turned into Mat Latos who is currently 3434099989 times the pitcher Easy Eddy V is!!! So that counts as a good thing. The Vottomatic One is playing for Team Canada, and Dat Dude is playing for Team USA. I think Alfredo Simon is pitching for some Latin team too. Hopefully all three return free of any niggling injuries. The Reds are talented but thin .. and I'm not talking about Jared from Subway thin. A quick glance at the Reds bench players shows you just how far it is from Bench - the Johnny variety - to The bench - GASP variety. You think the Fiscal Cliff was steep??? Just hope we avoid the WAR Cliff!!! (For those of you who are unaware of advance baseball metrics, WAR is Wins Above Replacement. The higher your WAR, the more valuable a player you are. The Vottomatic One's WAR last season was 5.6, Dat Dude's was 3.5, Jason Donald's was -.3 and Jack Hannahan's was .7. If you don't know who Jason Donald and Jack Hannahan are, just hope you never have to find out!!!)

Okay peeps (the marshmallow version of which turns 60 today!) I'm out for the weekend. Lot of basketball on tap for me!! I hope you find something you value and pursue it with vigor this weekend!!

Snowpocalypse!!!

"Heart-Attack Snow Falling Across Broad Swath of US" trumpeted the headline on nbcnews.com ... Where's Jay Leno's jaw when you need it? Replaced by Jimmy Fallon apparently .. Who knew snow now causes heart attacks? I thought only yellow snow was dangerous. Frozen flakes will arrest your heart and you will DIE people. Help me 8 lb. 6 oz infant baby Jesus. Save me from the frightful flakes!!! Sorry ... I digress. With a mainstream media requiring all news to be triple, double, extra melodramatic, even a light (3-5 inches) snowfall can be described as a killer. And you wonder why people flood grocery stores (yes .. i still believe in grocery stores over supermarkets or lifestyle centers or any other store where you buy groceries!!), line up at gas stations, and drive 18 MPH on highways. These fluffy flakes are killers people!!! If you don't prepare for the Snowpocalypse you will DIE!!! As you're taking your last breath tonight while being slowly entombed in your snowy coffin, remember I warned you!!!!!!!!!!!!

27 days till Opening Day ... I think. If you don't know what opening day I'm talking about then you're not from Cincinnati!!! Couple interesting reads in the Enquirer today about Joey Votto away from baseball - visiting Italy and looking for cappuccino when he's on the road (no truth to the rumor his real name is Jean Girard even though he is from Canada and half the people up there are French .. and yes I know only Quebec is French and it's not half of Canada ... relax!!! The Alex Jones portion of the blog is later!!!) - and Dusty Baker ramping up production of his wine making business. What any of that has to do with winning baseball games is beyond me and that's all I care about when it comes to the Reds. Perhaps I've turned a little cynical, but the personal lives of athletes don't really interest me. Maybe I've seen too many instances of athletes who were held up as role models turn out to be tortured souls (R.I.P Ryan Freel). Athletes are human and prone to human failings. The area of their greatest skill involves a ball or puck and a lot of hand-eye coordination and muscle memory and fast-twitch muscle fiber. None of their greatest skills involve being a person on a pedestal. That being said there are a bunch of guys on the Reds I think it would be fun to hang out with away from the GASP (Great American Small Park for all you new readers - nickname for Great American Ball Park). Votto is pretty high up the list, but Dusty Baker - known in these parts as Maj. Gen. Dusty Custer - would be a cool cat to hang with for a night. I imagine him in a smokey lounge listening to a jazz flutist piping away on stage, a Don Draper Old-Fashioned in one hand with a cigar in the other while recounting the time he met Mick Jagger before a concert at Candlestick Park in 1972. His baseball philosophies might boggle the mind, but his eyes have seen many sights and he would make a great storyteller. David Dewitt "Homer" Bailey probably has some good 'guy' stories ... I mean he went to Africa killed a lion with a bow and arrow wearing a loincloth (well maybe wearing more than a loincloth .. I made that part up for melodramatic effect!!). Dr. Bronson/Mr. Arroyo would mesmerize you with his six string skills floating down the mud-stained beautiful blue Ohio River on the Nasty Hook. Smokin' Todd Frazier is from New Jersey ... everybody from New Jersey has some good stories in them, usually mod-related. Plus he saved a guy using the Heimlich!! Imagine taking Broxton to Montgomery Inn ... it would look like the Flintstones were in town with all the naked ribs he'd leave lying around!!! Now win some games, a pennant and maybe a World Series before I shuffle off this mortal coil.

A disturbing trend in the mainstream media is for wackos with a bully pulpit to be given prodigious amounts of airtime because they capture the all important rating share. It was bad enough when Rush Limbaugh, Keith Olbermann and Glenn Beck somehow were considered 'experts' on every facet of the America - pop culture, politics, the economy - but Alex Jones is Andre the Giant compared to those Lilliputians. For those of you unfamiliar with Alex Jones, I'll give you the Cliff Notes version (lucky for you there is not a test - every teacher included one question from the book which wasn't included in the Cliff Notes .. not me though. I'm a benevolent dictator in the classroom and blog!!!). Alex Jones believes everything is a conspiracy to control you. I think he watched the Truman Show, decided people might believe it was really possible since 99.9999% of us cannot leave the Earth and started spouting off theory after theory about how the New World Order mysteriously marionettes all of our lives. It's like the Illuminati on HGH and EPO and any other chemical Lance Armstrong used to defraud us!! I'll give you a brief run down on the conspiracy theories Alex spouts on his radio/internet/YouTube shows (which have a larger audience in all three formats total then Rush and Glenn combined!!! scary hugh!!): 1993 Branch Davidians seige was the murder of a peaceful David Koresh and his followers (he later spearheaded a fundraising drive to rebuild the Branch Davidian church), 1995 Oklahoma City bombing was orchestrated by the U.S. government to put down a growing state's rights movement, 2000 U.S.S. Cole attack was designed by the U.S. government/military-industrial complex to increase the military presence in the Middle East, 2001 9/11 attacks were masterminded by George W. Bush to increase domestic surveillance, 2012 Sandy Hook Elementary shootings were organized by the government to take away everyone's guns. And that my friends is your mind on drugs!!!

Enough for today peeps ... gotta beat the people who think it's going to snow and are going to drive very carefully in the drizzle just in case the drizzle turns to killer snow or ice in an instant!!!

Ice is back with a brand new invention ... well not new but improved!!

Like Fawkes in Harry Potter arising out of the ashes of a lost basketball season, the blog is back!!! As anyone who has ever attempted to get into my head can attest - several trained professionals are standing by now to provide testimonials!! - several months without emptying my head of a dizzying array of ideas is like allowing North Korea and Iran to get nuclear weapons. Oh wait .. that is happening. Unstable minds want to know what's going on up there before they see a mushroom cloud, and I'm more than willing to oblige.

But where to begin ... hmmmm ... always a tough one.

I'll take season recap for $200 Alex.

For those of you who are unaware, I am - among my many other avocations - a high school basketball coach. Most people would argue it is the definition of insanity to entrust your self-worth to a group of 14, 15, 16, 17 and 18 year old boyz2men, especially willingly! Four months a year I trade this temporary insanity for the endorphin rush a big win can provide and the pride in watching boys morph into men before you very own eyes. I'm not into herion or cocaine - or meth for that matter - but all three are probably healthier long term than the stresses brought about by trying to corral thirteen different personalities and skill levels into a cohesive unit. This past season presented a unique set of challenges I hadn't encountered in coaching before. We graduated eight players and had another player transfer out of school from the 2011-2012 version of the Clark Cougars, leaving behind a core of four players who had received meaningful playing time. The season's prospects were about as bright as Mitt Romney's during our summer league trying to integrate new faces into the mix, and early November practices didn't do much to lift the specter of a Mitt-like performance (you know .. around 50% or .500). A season opening loss to Madeira by two points, a drubbing at the hands of Summit Country Day and a surprising loss to Cincinnati Country Day staggered the Cougars out of the gate and dropped our record to 2-3 with a daunting run of games ahead. The answer to our malaise came from a source as unlikely as Jed Clampett's bubblin' crude - our alumni. In a Saturday morning practice which will go down in infamy, a copious amount of running was mixed in with a scrimmage against eight or nine former players ... and the results were about as pretty as the Walking Dead. Current players dropped like meteorites from the Russian sky under the relentless pressure of past players who had lived Clark basketball and weren't going to watch it fall off after they left. It's quirky how the great basketball programs work like that .. and even quirkier how the players who still wear the jersey want to make the 'old-timers' proud. What came from the ground after that shot in the dark astute coaching move was a 13-4 rampage to close out the season and a 2nd place conference finish behind the #1 team in the state Summit Country Day. The defense ramped up to the suffocating level, holding opponents to under 50 PPG on average. The offense did enough to win games, often times doing our best Johnny Carson impression by putting on a late show of fourth quarter heroics. A first round tournament romp over Williamsburg, followed by an alley brawl victory against Finneytown set up a showdown with Madeira in the Sectional Finals. Vince McMahon couldn't have scripted a more intense cage match than what transpired that Friday night at the Cintas Center. Four quarters and two overtime periods later, our season was over. Madeira bookended our season with losses and ended what was one of my most enjoyable seasons ever as a head coach. We had strong leaders, hard workers and a never-say-die mentality which carried our team far beyond their individual talents. I'm going to miss all our Seniors - especially David Burt, Jr. David was around for 53 wins in his three years as a full-time Varsity player, two league championships, a sectional championship and a district championship. You don't get to coach many kids who win like David did and his loss will leave a Grand Canyon sized gap in our team. Aaron Toney, Mecca Bosley and Kenny Thornton were among the hardest workers I have coached and set the tone everyday in practice. The returning players will need to get their lab jackets on to concoct such a potent mix of leadership, hard work, skill and sacrifice to get the Cougars back to the lofty heights we reached this season. And now I can finally exhale for a month until I get back into my hardwood laboratory for off-season workouts.

Before I go I would like some feedback from the peanut gallery about our season goals - I had enough feedback from our coaches fans in the stands to develop a very thick skin, so fire away. Here are our season goals (22 game season remember): 1 - Win 12 games ASAP. 2 - Finish top 2 in our league. 3 - Play in March. The rationale behind our goals is as follows. 12 wins guarantees us a winning season which begins the path to goals 2 and 3. I think we should always be in the top 2, if not win, our league despite the competition we face. And playing in March means you are playing for a Sectional Championship, District Championship, Regional Championship or State Championship. Ponder for a while and get back to me ....

Until then I bid you adieu and hope to parlez avec vous demain!