Head games and open doors ...

Miami University was a great undergrad experience (details not to follow). Unfortunately there wasn't a degree program for procrastination, so I had to go to the real world for my Ph.D. in putting off what must be done. Cue the Bengals and NFL draft. The two most over-hyped events in American society are the Super Bowl and the NFL Draft. Coincidence? I think not .. Roger Sterling and Don Draper (details to follow) would both be proud of the NFL's PR machine. Keeping a sport played from September to January in the ADHD sporting conscious of Americans requires constant hyperbole. Throw Mel Kiper, Todd McShay, Jon Gruden and Trent Dilfer into ESPN's bully pulpit and NFL fans are frothed up to freshly poured Guinness proportions at Roger Goodell's whim. By all the experts' accounts (I prefer wins and losses to the expert analysis, but I'm a dumb high school teacher and basketball coach as I was told yesterday after my critique of Dusty Custer), the Bengals' draft was outstanding. They added a cover corner, an offensive guard, several defensive linemen and receivers with a running back thrown in for good measure. No free agents of note were signed, but none were lost either. Coming off a 9-8 season with a rookie quarterback and rookie playmaker-receiver, the Bengals' fortunes are supposed to be looking up. Happy happy joy joy in the 'Nati .... only I'm not buying. Why? Well let's start with Mike Brown and what he's peddling. Mike Brown doesn't sell championship aspirations, only mind-numbing mediocrity. Since Mikey took over Daddy's franchise 21 seasons ago, the Bengals are 116-204-1 with three playoff appearances (zero wins). You counter with, "He lowered season ticket prices for next season!!" Of course he did!! His stadium was only 72% full last season with numerous empty luxury boxes ... he was losing money!! Mikey doesn't care about anything more than his Benjamins. Winning championships cost money. Filling your stadium fills your wallet. Winning just enough to fill your stadium is all that's required to transfer Benny Franklin from your wallet to his. When you remove your bengal-striped glasses, you might notice the Ravens and Steelers also had outstanding drafts. Remember the 0-4 record the Bengals had against both teams last season? Yeah .. me too. I will reserve judgement until I see on-field results, not the bluster of immaculately-coiffed, toupee-topped, hair-gelled talking heads. The Bengals are giving off a press-box hot glow because their nearest neighbors - the Cleveland Browns and Indianapolis Colts - have flubbed massively during this brief spell of Bengal competence. It's an ADHD world! Grab some Ritalin and come along for the ride!!

The opposite of tight-fisted Mike Brown is Manchester City Football Club, who followers of the other football know defeated Manchester United yesterday to go to top of the Baclays Premier League. Manchester City, financed by oil-rich owner Sheikh Mansour of Abu Dhabi, has spent over $1billion in player acquisitions and wages in the last four years to reach the top of the best soccer league in the world (The Bengals spent $93.2million on salaries last season, 30th in the NFL). Yesterday's match was a study in contrast as United played a defensive formation while City were in attack mode. United's gameplan was expert except for one set play at the end of the first half when Vincent Kompany outjumped Chris Smalling to head a free kick past David de Gea into United's net. City held on for the 1-nil victory and are now set to capture their first Premier League title. If City do go on to win the Premier League, you will be witness to the beginning of a dynasty equivalent to the Yankees on steroids ... no not Alex Rodriguez ... I mean the whole franchise ... with the ability to spend unlimited amounts of light crude oil money on acquiring the best players every off-season. The equation for City's success can best be described as this: Oil makes money, money talks, world-class athletes - including Adam Dunn - sprint toward money. Sky Blues indeed!!

 My mornings usually unravel in about the same way Mad Men started it's fifth season. The alarm goes off (Mad Men picks up after a 17 month hiatus), flakes of crusty sleep blur my vision as I roll to my feet (the characters are slightly unfamiliar after such a long lay-off), joints designed to work fluidly creak and snap with age (the writers/actors/characters take an episode or two to get back into the groove), the suddenness of the bathroom lights illuminate the shadows hanging on in my head (by the third episode everything feels familiar again), and then the searing hot water of the shower on my skin makes me realize I'm awake and alive again (the last three episodes of Mad Men .. Wow!!). Last night was another tour de force with New Don (ND) finally flashing glimpses of Old Don (OD) verve while pitching a Heinz ad, Megan setting the stage for ND's brilliance while being burdened by her parents visit, and Roger .. ooohhh Roger .. footloose and fancy free after tripping on LSD and casting away his young bride. The most promising development was ND finally tapping back into the creativity of the first three seasons (season four only captured one moment - his big tobacco letter - this episodes prelude) and showing why he is the most dynamic figure at SCDP. It was Megan's advertising idea and timely trip to the ladies room which provided ND with the opportunity, but ND was Kobayahsi-esque in the way he crushed the pitch to Raymond Geiger of Heinz. Odd, little Bert Cooper may not wear shoes but he definitely knew when to shove his foot up ND's ass and snap him out of his self-satisfied, love-induced, season five funk!! Welcome back ND, same as the OD!! And just like OD, ND's momentary high was slammed back to the rocks by a drunk saying what everyone else was thinking: SCDP would never get another big name client because of OD's big tobacco letter. Such is the tortured life of Don Draper. But Roger .. ooohhh Roger! .. Real Roger (RR) was back after his life altering event, doing whatever (or whomever) he feels like doing! And he provided a life altering event for young Sally Draper as she opened the door to see Roger being .. uh .. um .. how to say this .. well .. uh .. um .. orally serviced by Megan Draper's mother, Marie Calvet, on a piano bench. Which reminds me .. I'm thankful I have two boys!! An earlier fight between Dr. Emile and Madam Calvet (en Francais with English subtitles) revealed the adulterous nature of their marriage, but who would have guessed Marie Calvet would play Monica Lewinsky to Roger Sterling's Bill Clinton with the good Dr. Calvet seated alone in the banquet hall. Luckily it was Sally who discovered them (because she is a closed book!!) and we were all treated to a classic WTFJH face. I'm sure we'll see Sally's WTFJH face again in a couple seasons when Creeper Glen - who Sally called after witnessing Roger's moment of jolly - gets nak ... We'll keep that discussion for another day.


Gotta run now!! Enjoy!! Buh-bye!!