Spit it out!!!

Thanks to a random dude in a Pittsburgh restaurant, we now know the difference between LeBron James, Lance Stephenson and Smokin' Todd Frazier. LeBron is a choker (at least since his last year in Cleveland), Lance "Born Ready to Sit the Bench" Stephenson chokes himself (What else are you gonna do on the bench but choke your chicken self?) and Smokin' Todd Frazier saves chokers. In two of the three thoracic incidences, winning ensued. LeBron (no longer LeBramish ... sorry Ernesto), sufficiently motivated for the first time in two and a half seasons, performed the self-Heimlich and is playing his best basketball since he took his talents to South Beach. He has stopped tip-toeing around D-Wade's easily injured feelings (everything else on D-Wade hurts anyway) and been dominant in the three games since "Born Ready to Sit the Bench" clenched his own Adam's Apple. LeBron's slash line the last three games: 30/10/6. When LeBron's airway is open, the Heat are unbearable. Miami will win the title with or without the last remaining animal from the Paleozoic Era, Chris "Raptor" Bosh. I don't really like it, but as Goldie Richards has said for years, "It's better to leave a sleeping dog lie." Grammatical correctness optional. The Heat will roll the geriatric Celtics one step closer to the retirement home tonight. Sadly.

If I were a betting man (which I am), I'd place a nice chunk of change on Smokin' Todd Frazier having spent some time as a lifeguard in Toms River, NJ growing up. GTL (Gym, Toss, Lifeguard) is how everybody in the home of Jersey Shore spends their time, right? How else would you explain Frazier leaping to the Heimlich rescue of a random Pittsburgher? Smokey's heroics didn't stop there as he went 2-3 with a double, a triple and two RBI's in the Reds 8-1 rout of the Pirates last night. Good thing ol' Walt Jock and Dusty Custer thought it was wise to send Smokin' Todd Frazier to AAA for the start of the season so Willie Horton Harris could steal some money play poorly in April. Frazier is now hitting .278 with five funkblasts and 13 RBIs and throwing around some decent leather at the hot corner. With Scott Rolen's body still creaking like the door in the beginning of "Thriller", Frazier is going to have to continue his solid play for the Redlegs to stay ahead of the Cardinals. David Dewitt "Homer" Bailey, Jr. followed the Dr. Milton/Mr. Rijo pattern for the club's starting pitchers with a Mr. Rijo-like complete game four-hitter. No truth to the rumor Homer talked to Bud Selig about being an all-time starting pitcher against the Pirates every five days after running his career numbers against the Bucs to 6-0 with a 1.79 ERA. Also no truth to the rumor several Reds were upset with me pointing out their all or nothing approach at the dish yesterday. They did however respond by A) winning a game without hitting a HR and B) going 7-14 with RISP. One rumor which is true: the Chico Bail Bonds Knothole team called and asked the Pirates to change their colors to avoid sullying the Bail Bonds reputation as ballplayers. Great .. now I just reverse jinxed the Reds .. I take it back Pittsburgh .. you guys are great!!! Take it easy on Johnny Cueto tonight!!!

The Presidential election got more interesting yesterday with the release of Mitt Romney's birth certificate. His father is Mexican!!!! The Reconquistador is almost complete!!! A Romney victory in November and it's Katie bar the borders!!! Maybe a half Mexican, fully Mormon President is what the Mayans (indigenous to the Yucatan Peninsula in Mexico) meant by the end of the long calendar!!! There will by illegal aliens everywhere marrying as many women as they can grab!!! Hide you kids, hide your wives, and hide your husbands too!!! You thought having a President with a Kenyan father was bad??? You've been preparing for the zombie apocolypse??? Idiots ... How can you not have seen this coming!!!!

Honestly .... who cares where Mitt's daddy was born or the religion he follows. Although if you were as cardboard as Mitt you'd be looking for spicy publicity too. In an election, any publicity is good publicity. Before you believe Mitt hobnobbig yesterday with one of the few Americans with more money than himself (Donald Trump) was coincidental to the release of Mitt's birth certificate, examine Mr. Trump's political beliefs. Foremost among the Donald's worldly views: Barack Obama was not born in the United States. Yup ... Donald is a birther ... despite the evidence to the contrary showing Obama's birth in Hawaii. Wwwhhhhhhooooooooaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!


****** STOP THE PRESSES .... EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT!!!************

Just got word Dusty Custer has ordered Vottomatic to the bench for tonight's titanic struggle against the Pirates. Mike Costanzo (1-13 with 8 K's) gets the start at first base in Votto's place. Look for some offensive fireworks from the Reds tonight!!! DUSTRATING!!!

Also somebody robbed the Cuban Missile's girlfriend in a Pittsburgh five-star hotel late Tuesday night. I didn't know five-star hotels existed in Shi .... errrr ... Pittsburgh. It's another May Day distraction for the Missile following his recent lawsuit and speeding ticket. I knew Castro was vindictive, but c'mon man!! Leave the Missile alone!! Wait ... it was a Hispanic guy who burst into the room ... Romney is conspiring against the Reds with Castro!! That's it!! Get Donald Trump on the phone!! We need some reward money to find this guy's birth certificate!!!

Police Commissioner Gordon just activated the Kerrdawg Phone. I gotta go solve this heinous crime. Details to follow tomorrow!!!