The Missile Conundrum

Somewhere in Havana, Fidel Castro is chuckling over his morning Metamucil. Castro, as those of you who have studied the Cuban dictator know, is a baseball aficionado and his influence has allowed the game to flourish in Cuba during his time in power. While the dictator and Aroldis Chapman probably do not exchange Christmas cards (Is Christmas legal in Cuba?), I have heard Castro follows Cuban defectors in the major leagues very closely. So envision for a moment the look of utter confusion on El Presidente's face as he digested Dusty Custer's comments about Aroldis "The Cuban Missile" Chapman over the past couple days in Granma. While discussing the Reds' closer problems, His Dustiness said Sunday morning, "“I don’t know. It depends. If it’s predominantly left-handed, it will be Marshall. I’ve got to stay away from Chapman. He’s gone three out of four days. (Jose) Arredondo is four of five. It depends on where we are in their lineup. Chapman is my No. 1 candidate. But he’s not as good the second day. Last year, he wasn’t nearly as good the third day. We may have to give him two days, go back to someone else two days. We’ve got to figure this out. That bullpen-by-committee, I haven’t seen it work too much. It makes my job harder. It makes their job harder. Everybody likes continuity as far as work." Laurel & Hardy were still wondering who was the closer .... Who? No he's on first. Dusty went on to rule Chapman out of Sunday's game against the New York Yankees, but after hablo-ing Espanol with Chapman said, "He (Chapman) said he was fine. My inclination was not to use him before we asked him. We go on an honor program here. Let us know if you’re not right, you’re tired or achy or whatever. This is his time. We’ve got a long way to go. August and September might be a different scenario. Right now, we’re trying to get these guys strong through the whole season." Got all that? Hieroglyphs are easier to follow! Only a renown rambler like Castro could appreciate those sentiments which were as clear as Cuban cigar smoke. So what did the Dustrator do in the ninth inning of yesterday's game? He called on the Missile to face 4 left-handed batters in a row - contradicting both his 'not going to use Chapman today' dictate as well as his preference for Marshall facing lefties. Daft old Dusty ... just when you think you've got him figured out ....

Luckily the Reds trip to New York is easier to decipher than Dusty's tea leaves ... It has to be qualified as a success. Winning three of five games allowed the Reds to come back to Cincinnati over .500 and only a half game behind the Cardinals. The Dodgers beat the Cardinals like a fan in one of their parking lots (seriously ... another parking lot beating in LA? Long tradition of roadside beatdowns in the City of Angels stretching from Rodney King, to the white dude in the semi, to the Giants' fan last season, to the fender-bender driver last night) and Lance Berkman will be sidelined for the year with a torn ACL sustained in Saturday nights game. Hannibal Lecter would have had a harder time killing and cutting up Reds pitching the way Berkman has over his career. Not that the Reds were cheering his injury, but I did faintly hear the Bailey, Arroyo, Latos and Leake (B.A.L.L.4) singing the Happy Days theme song on yesterday's postgame (Cueto in SAP) show. C.C. Sabbathia hasn't missed any meals at Al's Diner lately (his pinstripes are wavy!!) and the Reds didn't miss any of his pitches in the seventh inning either. Hanigan and Ludwick got funky and then C.C. missed the plate to walk in another run. It's only his second missed plate of the season!! A couple of insurance runs in the ninth, including more funk from Ludwick (Dusty got him going!!!), and the suddenly available Missile closed the Yankees out in the house George built (see Thursday's edition for more details). The Reds welcome the Braves and Chipper Jones to GABP tonight to start a three game set. It will be Chipper's last visit to Cincinnati as he is retiring after this season. From one 39 year old to another ... congrats Chipper! Surefire Hall of Famer.

Facebook's IPO fell flatter than Kate Moss on Friday but still made plenty of Benjamins for the angel investors. Mark Zuckerberg updated his pre-nup and status the next day as he married his long-time girlfriend. Let's hope Zuckerberg was able to keep it up longer in the Honeymoon Suite than on Wall Street as Facebook shares were trading $5 below the $38 offering price today. Facebook is widely accessible but its value as money tree is going to be questioned by many on the Street. Advertising is what gives Facebook its green glaze, but when General Motors and others scurrying away from social media advertising dollars like roaches from a flashlight there will be alarm bells ringing in investors heads. Zuckerberg shouldn't worry too much though .... He's worth $19 billion now and Tom over at MySpace is always looking for new friends.

While Zuckerberg's stock was free-falling Friday afternoon, I'll Have Another's fee was skyrocketing Saturday afternoon!! And I ain't talking stock prices if you know what I mean! With another stretch sprint I'll Have Another caught and passed Bodemeister to win the Preakness and the first two legs of the Triple Crown. Might we have our first Triple Crown winner since Affirmed in 1978? Stay tuned on June 9th! Much of horse racing and betting is determined by breeding, and I'll Have Another's parents are as close to a 2:45 a.m. post-bar hook-up as you'll find. I'll Have Another's father was named Flower Alley (Flower Alley ... for a dude?? No wonder he never won any races) and had a stud fee of $7500. The last horse to win the Derby and Preakness - Big Brown - was studding for $65000 this year. What's that tell you about his father's quality?? That he would have been better off named Rudolf and was always the last horse picked for all the thoroughbred games? I'll Have Another's mother is named Arch's Gal Edith as in Edith Bunker ... from All in the Family (note to younger readers: All in the Family was a long running TV show in the 70's). Not even Lonely Island wants to sleep with his mom! If he has another and captures the Belmont, I'll Have Another will have $95000 one night stands with as many dames as he can get another up. It's not bad work if you can get it!!

Internet is out ... how will I post? Hmmmm .... problem solver hat on!! Talk tomorrow.