Fat guys love food!!

At least this fat guy does!! Which is why today is one of the worst days of the year according to my calendar ... the in-school Frisch's shuts down for the year. No more grease-dripping Buddy Boy goodness on Tuesday and Thursday to look forward to until September. My tastebuds enter a late spring funk when deprived of hot fudge cakes and strawberry pie babies. Whatever the benefit to my cholesterol numbers from no Frisch's for the next four months, the overall enjoyment of my life is diminished (although I can't tell you the last time I ate at a Frisch's restaurant outside of school???). It's a quick syncopation helping to break the mundane routine of school, a guilty pleasure in an otherwise monastic culinary experience. Cafeteria food??? No thanks!!! Seventeen years of turkey sandwiches, my alternative, is enough to numb Gabriel Iglesias's appetite. Fare thee well Frisch's ... I eagerly await your return!!!

Anyone notice the price of oil has fallen 10% in the last week? Probably not because prices at the pump have remained in the $3.65 range in my neck of the woods. If you believe Big Oil propaganda, a drop in oil prices should result in a similar drop in gas prices. But gas prices in the $3.25 range (a 10% price drop) are as elusive at J.D. Salinger. Why? Loyal readers know the answer. I wonder .. what would happen to gas prices if oil suddenly shot up 10% in price???? Hhhhmmmmmmmm ... something would be higher than Snoop Dogg. So the next time you're asked, "What goes up but doesn't come down?" ... answer appropriately.

Voters in North Carolina (the state, not the university at Chapel Hill) approved a ban on same-sex marriages yesterday. What is the basis for a law banning same-sex marriage? If your answer is religious in nature, they you have not studied the U.S. Constitution or do not understand why our Founding Fathers separated Church and State. The United States under the Constitution was designed as a place where people could live in freedom - freedom to speak about what they wanted, freedom to choose to worship (or not worship) a religion of their choice, freedom from government interference in exercising their religious beliefs or religious rules becoming part of our secular laws (among many other things). George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, James Madison, Alexander Hamilton and John Jay would all reject a law based on religious reasons quicker than Anthony "Unibrow" Davis. All these men - religious men - understood the purpose of government was to protect property and life, not to set up a theocracy or theocratic rules. Prohibiting same-sex marriage doesn't protect property or life any more than censoring Janet Jackson's nip slip. Unfortunately the same people who say our country is headed straight to hell have provided the handbasket, preferring to divide and discriminate in the name of religion. Currently six states (state abbreviation quiz #2: CT, IA, MA, NH, NY, VT) plus Washington DC have laws allowing same-sex marriage. Washington and Maryland are awaiting referendum votes in November, but will probably join the group of six. How will Mitt Romney answer questions about same-sex marriage in the upcoming campaign? He was Governor of MA in 2004 when same-sex marriages began ... paging Dr. Skrillex ... Spin Master Skrillex! (Tangent Alert: Romney was governor of MA when same-sex marriage became legal and he designed a universal health care program dubbed Romneycare. How is he different from Obama again?)

The Reds, or more appropriately Homer Bailey, were pounded into submission last night by Milwaukee 8-2. If Arroyo was a magician on Monday night, then Bailey was the bearded lady last night. U G L Y!!! Johnny Cueto hits the hill today against Zach Greinke ... a matchup of aces not seen since Eddie Rickenbacker took on the Red Baron!!! Okay .. I hyped that like Flava Flav but it's still a good pitching match-up. Smokin' Todd Frazier will start at 3B today ... Oh wait ... Dusty put him in LF to get Valdez the start at 3B. Daft, old Dusty Custer ... fighting the lineup card everyday.

Shorter than Danny DeVito, but that's all I got. Lot's on my agenda. Talk tomorrow!