Can people drive?!?!?

Or more appropriately .. can people drive effectively (and without causing me to regress into a Tourette's syndrome fit .. but it's not all about me!)? If you spend as much time as I do behind the wheel, I'm sure your answer is NO!!! Well .. there are a multitude of answers I could come up since I dabble in profanity the way Michelangelo dabbled in ceiling paintings, but I'm going with politically correct blog responses only today. I don't want five PC wack-jobs trying to blow my bridge up on the way home (only in Cleveland!! God truly does hate Cleveland!! Wouldn't you??). Where to start with atrocious drivers??? Follow the common traffic signs and signals to guide you on a leisurely (I before E except after C and L!!) idiot-proof Wednesday drive!

It's a relatively simple act in theory ... you accelerate your car to the appropriate speed and slide in between other cars. There is even a fancy yellow and black sign like the one above. Yes, I'm talking about the MERGE! But how many times have you seen some tool accelerate while on the ramp, then slam on their brakes because .. OMG .. what's that noise?? .. are those cars??? ... Please Jesus help me!!! .. they're moving!! .. as they try to merge with traffic? Or the opposite: some douchbag (urban dictionary says douchbag is the opposite of tool ... remember that fun fact on the next Miller's Analogy Test you take!!) who uses the ramp as a water plume into traffic, completely forgetting about the triangular red & white YIELD sign posted prominently near the roadway. You might ask yourself ... why does this happen? If you've ever watched a high school gym class attempt to play a fast-moving sport (kickball doesn't count!), you would know the answer. Over half the class is so clumsy and uncoordinated that they are a danger to themselves (rolled ankle, torn ACL) and others (broken nose, eye poke). They are incapable of managing multiple, moving data points and manipulating their body into the correct space and position ... but let's give those people a license to drive around a 3000 lb moving amalgamation of death!!!! Of course you never have to merge during your driver's test, only drive on a few city streets and maneuver around stationary orange cones. Wanna find the real drivers?? Make them maneuver around an 18-wheeler at 65 miles and hour while trying to get out of an exit only lane on a busy highway. A third would die in a diesel fuel fireball (thereby allowing Darwinism to weed out the weak!), another third would cause a fender-bender and fail their test (three tries and you're out!!), and the other third would pass. Traffic congestion - and merge impaired drivers - would cease to exist!! Problem solved!!

Uh-huh .. you know what it is .. blinking yellow, blinking yellow, blinking yellow, blinking yellow!! Above we have the oft-neglected turn signal, an increasingly rare sight in the wild roadways. A study published today by the Society of Automotive Engineers says 48% of drivers do not use a turn signal on lane changes and 25% do not use the signal when they turn. Taken together, this lack of signalling causes over two million accidents yearly (almost three times the number from distracted driving!!). Where is Ray LaHood??? Our erstwhile PencilPusher of Transportation needs to start campaigning for laws to protect the public!!! Where is the outrage??? Wait .. What??? We already have laws regarding turn signals but police enforcement is spotty at best??? (Unless its 1:45 am and po-po are fishing for DUIs .. then no signal = flashing lights and a traffic stop) Have Americans become so lazy they cannot hit the turn signal?? It is sooooo simply .. the signal is attached to the steering wheel .. you wanna turn? Hit the signal! Do all of your fellow drivers a favor!!

The first automobile speed limits in the United States were passed in Connecticut in 1901 at 12 miles per hour. Imagine the problems Sammy Hagar would have had then!!! Again it's another very simple concept (like a matching quiz in school) where you try to get the number on your speedometer to equal (or exceed .. no one's watching!!) the number on the sign. I know what you tortoises are saying .. speed is scary!! My 10 year old son is like that .. doesn't even ride his bike fast enough to blow his hair backward. And heaven forbid he has to make a turn at speeds above 0 mph. I put him in a go cart Saturday night and he wrecked on lap two .. headfirst into the wall!! He was the slowest driver in lap one by 20 seconds. Invisible fire Ricky Bobby could have dusted him!! He's doomed to putter around city streets before playing bumper cars with the nearest fire hydrant. The good news is he's 10. What's the excuse of the other 63.7% of licensed drivers who undercut the speed limit by several miles per hour? Those people are the same drivers with a bumper sticker reading "The closer you get, the slower I drive." What are they going to do? Go in reverse? Furthermore, I wouldn't be so close to your rear if you DROVE THE SPEED LIMIT!!! I have no problem with law-abiding citizens. Slug-footed drivers on the other hand ... jkda;dfj;adfkjasdf;k!!!!

During my driver's ed classes I dozed off on the day they taught us this very important driving law: Rain = Brake. Cars are very well equipped to handle driving in the rain. They come with windshield wipers to clear your vision, tread patterns on tires to remove water from separating the rubber from the road, anti-lock brakes to help your car stop and headlights/taillights to increase visibility in the rain. All of these advancements have helped sloths outpace cars on the highway in rain in 2012. I'm not talking Indian monsoon-style rains slowing cars down, but rather the Seattle drizzle-style rains blooming brakelights on the asphalt. I can accept responsible drivers (like myself) who slow down to maintain the speed limit during times of precipitation. It's the drivers who brake pedal in fear of the raindrops falling on their cars (who coincidentally are the same people who favor the little weather map superimposed over the upper right corner of their TV anytime a "weather situation" like a rain cloud or lightning bolt is detected by "Precision HD Radar") which cause backups and delays that are completely avoidable. None of you are sweet enough to melt, but your rainy day driving habits certainly sour my mood!

Breathing deeply now ... in through my nose ... out through my mouth ... I'm much better now. Thank you!!!