Coming soon to a cafe near you!!!

Drones!!! So I composed a haiku .. or a sonnet .. or some type of poem .. not sure about the type. I didn't pay a whole lot of attention in the poetry units in 9th and 10th grade.

Drones, drones everywhere,
Raining bombs down from the air,
Who they kill we do not care,
There's enemy combatants everywhere!!

Didn't take me 13 hours to get my point across!!! Take that Rand Paul!!! According to the Attorney General, you have nothing to worry about if you are a U.S. citizen on U.S. soil and you are not a combatant. However if you are a U.S. citizen on U.S. soil who also happens to be a combatant, there may be a weaponized drone - see above - coming your way!!! And if you're not on U.S. soil all bets are off!! Keep your eyes on the sky and your ears free of wax people, these drones don't give much advance notice. Of course what exactly you are combating isn't defined ... so if you are combating broadcast decency a la Howard Stern - a drone is coming for you! Beware Janet Jackson of the next time you slip a nip - that buzzing you hear is a friendly, weaponized drone. The war on good rap being waged by Trinidad James definitely should qualify for a drone visit. If every member of the U.S. Congress and Senate  is combating 224 years of successful American democracy, can the President eliminate all 535 of our elected combatants representatives? Please say yes Eric Holder!! Surely Alex Jones is a combatant!! He's revealing all the secrets of the New World Order and Illuminati at the same time. DRONE HIM IMMEDIATELY and can you please make sure his drone attack occurs live on his radio show - he needs the ratings!!

Surely I jest, but the real issue is how much surveillance and enforcement America is willing to tolerate in an effort to remain safe and secure. Motivation through fear is a common tactic of governments around the world, and which American's aren't scared of terrorists? Just in the last fifteen years there have been major scares which altered our collective behaviors, from Y2K to 'Killer Bees' to SARS to Bird Flu to a zombie apocalypse in Miami, FL. After 9/11 the PATRIOT ACT was rammed through Congress and allows unprecedented levels of surveillance on U.S. citizens without a warrant. It's one thing to have to take of my shoes to get onto a commercial airliner without a warrant, it's another to allow my phone to be tapped without a warrant. Unfortunately those lines of privacy are increasingly being blurred under the guise of 'protection' from the evil-doers (sorry .. couldn't resist one of my favorite George W'isms!). How many times a day are you - yes I'm talking to you! - captured on a 'security' camera? At the ATM? In the mall? At Kroger? In school? At the gas station? Driving down the street? It doesn't end with video surveillance. You should all feel safer knowing I have to provide my account number at 5th/3rd bank when I go to exchange my candy sale change for bigger bills - wouldn't want me to be confused with a money launderer for an obscure bald-headed terrorist organization! Who makes the decision about what defines a combatant? Was Timothy McVeigh a combatant and could he have been stopped by a drone strike before detonating his truck bomb? What about Adam Lanza? Was he a combatant and could a drone have blasted his car on the way to Sandy Hook Elementary School? No one - least of all me - would object to having evil-doers eliminated before they can do evil. The question I can't answer is where the limit is on the government's power to declare an evil-doer as a combatant. No judge or jury is involved in the process, no affidavits are filed and no one must testify under subpeona when a person is declared an enemy combatant. No 4th, 5th, 6th, 8th or 14th Amendment protections apply if you are a combatant according to the Attorney General.  Anwar al-Awlaki can testify to the lethality and efficiency of drone attacks on U.S. citizens who are declared combatants ... if dead men could tell tales.

In a semi-related note, a judge in Cincinnati struck down a village ordinance in Elmwood Place allowing the use of cameras to catch speeders in the village. Rejoice common folk!!! It's a rare victory against the man for all mankind!!! So speed away in Elmwood Place and hope the Ohio General Assembly outlaws the use of all speed related cameras in Ohio.

On a tangent to my last point, does anyone ever drive through Terrace Park, Mariemont and Fairfax? I drive through those three fine villages everyday from October through March and I see more cars pulled over for speeding on Wooster Pike/US 50 in those three small municipalities than I do anywhere else on my daily drives. Either the police in those three villages have nothing better to do are very vigilant about speeding or it is a shameless money grab for the three villages' Mayor's Court (grammatically butchered that last part .. there's blood on my fingertips!!). The village of Arlington Heights used to do much the same on a small stretch of I-75 until a judge in Cincinnati put the kibosh on their practice. One of the reasons he cited for his cease and desist order was use of the Arlington Heights Mayor's Court to dispose of all the citations. If Arlington Heights can't use its Mayor's Court to deal with moving citations, why can Terrace Park, Mariemont and Fairfax? Ummmm Mr. President, could you hold off on the Alex Jones drone while I give him a call to investigate this riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma!! I have a theory, but it's very conspiracy-ish!!! Any Cincinnati judges live in Arlington Heights??? (stir the pot, stir the pot, stir the pot!!)

The finals of the .... YAWN .... World Baseball Classic start today. Sixteen teams have ... eehhhhh ... qualified? for the finals. I can't wait for the thrilling Spain v. Brazil game ... where's Marty??? Does Spain v. Brazil qualify as a titanic struggle??? A bunch of Asian teams are represented, along with several from Latin America. Good thing there's no age limit in the World Baseball Classic they have to follow!!! Danny Almonte who??? This is the third World Baseball Classic .. none of which has been won by the U.S. of A!!! Therefore it's not really a sporting event. If the U.S. hasn't won it, it doesn't count!! Except for the World Cup .. that counts. But the Rugby World Cup??? Doesn't count. The Cricket World Cup??? Doesn't count. The Lacrosse World Cup??? Doesn't exist. The Olympics??? We dominate .. it counts .. except for those equestrian events and ping pong .. they don't count. The only good thing the World Baseball Classic ever did was destroy Easy Edison Volquez's elbow, which eventually turned into Mat Latos who is currently 3434099989 times the pitcher Easy Eddy V is!!! So that counts as a good thing. The Vottomatic One is playing for Team Canada, and Dat Dude is playing for Team USA. I think Alfredo Simon is pitching for some Latin team too. Hopefully all three return free of any niggling injuries. The Reds are talented but thin .. and I'm not talking about Jared from Subway thin. A quick glance at the Reds bench players shows you just how far it is from Bench - the Johnny variety - to The bench - GASP variety. You think the Fiscal Cliff was steep??? Just hope we avoid the WAR Cliff!!! (For those of you who are unaware of advance baseball metrics, WAR is Wins Above Replacement. The higher your WAR, the more valuable a player you are. The Vottomatic One's WAR last season was 5.6, Dat Dude's was 3.5, Jason Donald's was -.3 and Jack Hannahan's was .7. If you don't know who Jason Donald and Jack Hannahan are, just hope you never have to find out!!!)

Okay peeps (the marshmallow version of which turns 60 today!) I'm out for the weekend. Lot of basketball on tap for me!! I hope you find something you value and pursue it with vigor this weekend!!