Warning: Scandalous Info Inside!!

Twitter was lighting up over the weekend with news that Bob Huggins, head mens basketball coach of the West Virginia Mountaineers, was presenting drunk at the Nike Championship Coaches Clinic at Robert Morris University. It's never a good idea to step up to a podium drunk, especially if the people noticing that you're slurring more than a blacktopper are nursing hangovers with their fourth Advil or second Bloody Mary (you choose - both work!). So HuggyBear must have been over the top, which is unsurprising for those of us who remember his turn as Otis ... and head mens basketball coach ... at the University of Cincinnati. Not to say that Huggins didn't do great things at UC, he did. He, more than any other figure, was responsible for UC getting into the Big East and forcing the other athletic programs at the university to improve rapidly. Huggs played fast and loose in Cincinnati though with enough tales of public drunken escapades and barely concealed extra-marital affairs to fill the Shoemaker Center/Fifth-Third Arena (which would be the first time its been filled since 2005). His health has been an issue in the past, and for a while he publicly proclaimed he was taking his physical condition seriously. He lost weight, dressed sharply in three-piece suits and then ... he swallowed a turkey!!! Whole!!! Have you seen what he wears for games these days?? Track suits!! The ultimate fat-man apparel ... and believe me I know. And so what if Huggs decided to hit the town in Pittsburgh ... take advantage of the clinic's open bar ... hit up a strip club ... and then present. It happens ... ask the Secret Service.

Speaking of which, a Secret Service agent's yearly salary starts around $50K and goes upward of $115K. And for the people in charge of the President's security, how were they unaware that Columbian women are Level 1 (the highest rating possible) on the Bat-Shit Crazy Scale? Just google Juan Pablo Montoya and jet dryer to see what you're dealing with when messing with Columbians. This knowledge alone should have been enough for every Secret Service agent in the Southern Hemisphere to pool some money and pay the girl what she wanted to leave quietly. I say girl because according to a Secret Service source, there was some confusion about whether she was "a girl" or "a prostitute" due to the language gap (and the two bottles of Absolot vodka they consumed during intense, hard negotiations). Classic mix-up right there. Hopefully the Secret Service is better at identifying would-be assassins in a crowd than Pretty Woman wannabes in a Columbian club. In the meantime Mr. President, I'd stay inside the Beast!

The Reds are more disappointing by the day, which means soon they'll break out the pickaxes to tunnel through rock bottom. Not since Geraldo Rivera tried to open Al Capone's vault (or Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens teamed up as Batman and Robin) has a team so spectacularly failed to live up to early season expectations. Yes I realize it's a small sample size in a long season, but where is the turnaround? Yes I understand you can't win a division in April, but you can lose the division in April. Couple stats which are more ominous than the Mayan Long Calendar: In Dusty Custer's last three seasons in Chicago, he went 89-73, 79-83, and 66-96. Last two seasons here in Cincinnati for Dusty? 91-71 and 79-83 ... see what I'm getting at for this season? The team is batting .211 for the season, which means Brook Jacoby - the hitting coach - better do his best Columbian escort imitation and start earning his money!! Do you know who Brook Jacoby's prized hitting pupil is and the main reason he was promoted as hitting coach? The Big Donkey Adam Dunn, who is currently terrorizing the American League with a .195 average after last season's stellar .159 average. That's like promoting John Kasich to Governor because Lehman Brothers did so well ... oh wait .. that happened too. Dusty Custer said yesterday on the Big One "we keep preaching, but it's not happening" (thanks Oak!). When a group of 7 year old's after birthday cake and ice cream listen better than a group of highly compensated professionals, there is a management problem. There is also a management problem when the players who give the team the best chance to win are not playing. Chris Heisey is better than Ryan Ludwick and Drew Stubbs by almost every offensive measure. Defensively he is not going to cost you games either. Todd Frazier had a better spring than Willie Harris and Wilson Valdez to earn a trip to Louisville. Decisions like this erode confidence in a manager, especially a manager who looks at sabermetrics the way most of us watch Ghost Hunter or Finding Bigfoot. Dusty says he manages by feel, so let's hope he has a Nomex uniform because his butt is fully in the fire!